my father and I, were not exactly close during my adolescence. it was always 'do you wanna end up a loser?-, cause thats whats gonna happen', or 'Be a man', or something else of that sort. Through most of that time, him and I largely just tolerated one anothers presence, I was just some kid who lived there and who'd continue to live there assuming I'd begin to pay rent once I got my first job, and he was just some guy I shared a house with and was civil to for the sake of my mother. Once, during my forced labor sessions of yardwork (you remember those, right) he asked that I sweep the gutter on our side of the street. I said 'Why do I have to get the neighbors gutters? Let them do it if they give half a shit, I don't" He said 'Jeez, why do you have to be such an asshole?" and I lol'd. I'd heard that from just about everyone except him. He later apologized but I only chuckled some more and said it was'nt the first time someone called me that and it would'nt be the last. I'm not used to seeing him get emotional, it's almost offputting to me. I know how fucked up that sounds, but I guess it just speaks volumes to how desensitized I am. Seeing both of them on the verge of tears as I sat there trying not to fall asleep from the benadryl, rolling my eyes occasionally thinking 'I can't believe I'm here...they should've just ..thrown me in a cold shower.' I've only seen my dad cry twice, once when his mom died, and once when his grandma (my great grandma died, on my 18th birthday). I honestly don't think I warrant much attention. They should'nt have to be out however much money that trip to the ER cost, they should'nt still be worrying if something like this will happen again, but they are-, I don't know when, but they're making an appointment to see an allergist/dr/whatever. I'm pushing fucking 30, becoming increasingly disparate and leaning towards taking my own life at a future point in time. They kept alluding to how difficult it'd be for them to move on or feel the same if anything happened to me. I kept thinking 'Trust me, it'd be ok, I would'nt be suffering anymore.' Selfish, I know, but suicide is'nt exactly something you plan and keep in mind if you put the needs and feelings of others above your own. I've just about dropped out of the human race and socialization altogether. I know a few of you haven taken issue with this, I don't write this to hurt you or anyone else, this just has to be said. I told my mom not to tell Grandma, man. That shit would definitely be too much for her. But noooo, mom and her...feelings. "I KNOW her prayers brought you home." I might take his name and vain and say christ this and jesus that, but I really don't think Mr Imaginary Pie In The Sky had bubkes to do with this. Ofcourse I can't tell two religious hispanic ladies that... How desensitized AM I though? I wore a light smirk while talking with my grandmother, trying to calm her and assure her I'm fine, it was just an allergic reaction. I don't like when anyone cries or fusses over me. I don't warrant that sort of attention. Both parents seem to have made peace with the fact, or atleast assumed fact, that I'll be with them for life, as I will undoubtedly never be in a position to take care of myself as a functional adult. Ofcourse, it is implied that should I do that, I'll be taking care of them in their old age. If I live that long anyway.
Here, heres more HAPPENING
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