I just don’t ever want to lose or forget this:
“One more thing: I prayed for a friend like you for years. I swear to god. You are totally one of the most captivating, beautiful and sweetest humans that has ever come into my life. You’ve been nothing short of amazing and you’ve actually been a huge conduit for my own healing. Meeting you has made me a better person. Also you have taught me new definitions of words I have spoken my whole life - particularly compassion and love.
I’m losing grasp of myself. This road trip fucked me up with how perfect it was. All of it, your family, friends - even Alec, tacos, cookies, driving, watching you unfold in nature, experience peace, looking through your art, like it was just too perfect. And it was all too familiar - all of it. And that’s been really really fucking intense for me.
This is so hard for me. I’m being very selfish and I know it - I didn’t want to ever say anything so that I could be there for you as you grow stronger. I just always want to be there for you and I don’t know that that’s an okay thing.
You’ve become such a part of my life, I cant remember a time not knowing you. I just know I feel like I’m constantly gasping for air and like a fucking liar. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, I feel like I failed our friendship.
I mean this with all of my being: You are perfect exactly as you are. For real. Brilliant, immaculate, charming soul. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
I want to share so much of my life with you and it’s easy to do that with ‘just a friend’. And it’s just escalating so quickly that I’m scared. I haven’t been sleeping, I’m distraught. My mom and best friend both told me not to do this and I fucking did it and I’m sorry. I love you I love you I love you. It will be okay, our friendship isn’t over I promise. I just need to calm the fuck down.”