Two days in a row now I’ve drawn Kushiel: Angel of Punishment, as my divination for the day.
It’s not a good card
I’m being called out for something…and I had a feeling I knew what it was, but I wasn’t sure so today I pulled another card for clarification and got Chesed: the right hand - Empathy.
I realized that I was being way too hard on Alec, and that he needed my love more than anything…and I think I already fucked it up.
I was willing to be all loving and caring with him, that’s what I was doing, but then he went and called me out on being a shitty friend and…I just let him have it.
My dad always says I bring nukes to a gun fight.
I really wasn’t trying to be mean though, I was trying my best to just be honest and tell him how I felt and how hurt I was.
I’ve really been spending a lot of time and energy over this.
I sent him a text today: “I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I know you’re sensitive and I could have approached it better, but I’m really worried about you and I feel helpless and I really don’t know what to do.”
I sent him an apology even though I haven’t done anything but be blunt…I wish he could see how much I love him, but he’s just too fucking gone.
Alec isn’t even home anymore.
,,,anyway, I really need to stop wasting so much energy worrying about this.
Today I took some time to recharge…
…Golnar told me that she needed to take a break from me because she has feelings for me, I don’t want to talk about it anymore than that, but that was a few days ago and I’ve been having a really rough time dealing with it.
So, I took today to recharge.
I woke up and spent a lot of time on social media…then got out of bed and got some coffee, then cleaned my room, did a bunch of laundry, did the dishes, played Mega-Man, ate some Thai food and watched TMNT, read a bunch of Spawn comics, and walked the dog.
It’s been a good day for the most part, perfectly mellow.
Even when there is a bunch of dumb shit happening, it’s still possible to have good days.
I was talking to one of my friends about how happiness is a choice, and I know it’s a choice because I’ve made it…and I don’t think he believed me, not completely…I think a lot of people don’t believe a lot of the things I say.
I don’t lie.
…it’s 1:29 am, and I’m listening to “Prototype” by Andre 3000 and chillin with my dog. Life is good. I need to take it all in while I can.
Right now I feel like I could probably just sit here and talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but I don’t know if I should do that.
I wish I had the words for some of my thoughts.
Maybe I used to have the words in another language on another planet.
You know what though? I haven’t always been the biggest fan of earth, but on that trip I really got to know her, and it’s actually not so bad here.
I used to say “Earth is a great place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live here.”
And now it’s more like, “I wouldn’t buy a house here, but I’m totally cool renting.”
Have you ever listened to As Tall As Lions?
Okay…maybe I really should go and do something else now, this is starting to just turn into rambling.
Thanks again, just for everything.
Sometimes it’s nice to just…spill.
You get it.
I love you.
Last updated March 30, 2019