Journey. in Phoenix

  • March 30, 2019, 4 a.m.
  • |
  • Public

No one knows my journey. No one single person has the whole picture. No one but me. Many, many people have little pieces, some more than others. But none of them have the whole. So none of them, no one on earth, knows truly who I am, how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to travel.

I have the whole picture, the whole journey, but it’s fractured. I can see all the cracks, the flaws. I can see what has been repaired, like kintsugi art - the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold? I can see some of my cracks filled in, repaired. Those cracks are so beautiful to me, make me so proud of how hard I worked to mend them. I can see what’s been repaired, but also how much is still fractured, empty. Raw, jagged edges, sharp edges that cut deep.

I feel like I’ll never be able to repair them all because new ones keep forming. Every time I feel like I’ve filled in another crack, answered another question about myself, and learned how to heal the damage, something seems to come along and sneak a new fracture in. And that’s why I never let any one person see all of the pieces because, sometimes, when you let someone in that deep, they…

Everyone leaves. Everyone, always, one way or another, they all leave. Why keep inviting them in if they’ll only leave more damage than they found when they inevitably choose to leave?

I just wish I could show someone all of the cracks and have them want to help me fill them in with love and light and peace and acceptance. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved just as I am: a work in progress.


Superposition March 30, 2019

Life is hard and humans are scary, but no one can accept all of your pieces if you keep them hidden.

JustWillow Superposition ⋅ March 30, 2019

This is true. It just seems that every time I reveal more pieces of myself, someone runs screaming. Or uses them as weapons against me. People are good at that, at using a part of me as a tool to manipulate me into hating myself even more than I already do.

Life is bullshit and humans are terrifying. But why oh why do I want to be around humans so bad anyway? I feel like I just know they're going to hurt me but I can't help it. I crave human things. Love, affection, kindness, friendship. laughter. But these things frighten me, too.

Superposition JustWillow ⋅ March 31, 2019

I totally understand where you're coming from, people using yourself against you, not wanting to trust but wanting to be close, wanting love but not wanting to get hurt...they're complicated feelings, and for a long time I thought that I was just some monster...I thought I was broken or something, I knew that no one could ever love me for me.

And then this person came along, and I warned her how terrible and scary and hard it gets, being in my life...and she almost left several times, but she stuck around, and she ultimately showed me that I could be completely vulnerable with somebody, show them all of myself and be completely honest about who and what I am...and still be loved and accepted.

If you're showing yourself to people and they don't like what they see, fuck em, someone eventually will, but don't hide yourself. Life is way too short, and nothing is really all that important in this dimension anyway.

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