you warned me it would be like this. you spoke with knowledge and cleverness and i said i’d be fine.
well, i’m not.
you were right. i submit. can you make it stop now?
i sit on the computer staring at the screen, of the names of people i used to trust, of people i could be open with, and realize wholeheartedly not a one can be someone i tell. not a single one of them gets it, feels it, like i do.
not because i’m special. but because of who i am and the positions of power i hold. they all said it’s lonely at the top. until you’re here you have no idea.
but you did. you warned me. because you had been at the top and fallen and knew so well just how hard it was to be the one to take the blame for everything. like i did today.
swallow your feelings. bite by bite. chew them until they’re so broken apart you couldn’t speak them if you wanted. let them be glass in your throat, bleed so you can’t speak. shit out the words in a new, stained form, digested and compiled into blanket statements and falsities. say you’re sorry even though you don’t mean it.
it’s a game. each move is a way forward you have to choose but there’s no choice. just dance. dance and dance. dodge. parry. do it all. be it all. be the ultimate.
all the while freezing out your friends because they can’t understand who you are now and what you’ve had to decide. they can’t. because they might say the one wrong thing and it’ll get out that you were upset about something and now everyone hates you.
it’s lonely from the top because there’s no one else but your bloody throat and glass-shard heart, beating until it grinds your gut and you’re a mess inside. but outside you’re perfect. composed. sweet. ideal. the best leader.
we all fall down someday, kid.