Think About This in Depression

When I was still on right side of things, with my head straight and holding on every day, I didn’t care what I looked like. I could leave the house in jeans and an oversized t-shirt with no make-up and my hair in a bun. I could do that and still feel confident on myself. I knew I was worth something regardless of how I looked.

Now that I’m drowning I wake up in the morning and shower. I brush my teeth and put on chapstick. I blowdry my hair. I stand at the closet for an hour trying on clothes and have a breakdown because in a closet filled with items of clothing I have nothing to wear.

Nothing looks good. Nothing fits right. Nothing will conform to the hideous lump that encompasses my pitch black soul.

I did all this this morning. Left the house looking better than I do most days. From now on I won’t be the “slob” you see st the grocery store. I’ll be the one looking reasonably put together. I’ll be the one with no smile, the one looking at the “slob” with envy. Because I bet she’s happy.

I bet she feels like she has everything together and that’s why she’s confident enough to go out like that. I, on the other hand, am standing there on the verge of tears, just trying to make it through the shopping without revealing my sorrow to the strangers around me.