How I Know I'm Reaching The Limits in Depression

My depression happens in what I call cycles. It isn’t seasonal depression. It is different. In my mind I call it Dam Depression. I have never talked about it with anyone seriously. I took antidepressants for Post Partum Depression but they only made things worse. So I started just being more mindful of my depression and the cycles I go through so I can try to spot the waves before they crash.

Dam Depression. Most days I’m ok. I hold off the overwhelming sadness by keeping busy. I use affirmations to remind myself to be strong. I do well to keep it at bay. Most days.

Some days a few things happen. Holes bust open here and there in the dam. When this occurs I try to fix the holes as quickly as possible. I confront my problems and find a solution. Now the sadness has leaked out and it will take a few days to clean up the emotional mess it made, but overall it’s ok and after a panic attack or two I’m fine.

Then there are days like today. They are rare. Maybe twice a year? A HUGE explosion rocks the dam. It creates a giant hole that will take forever to heal. And while I desparately try to repair this devastation all the small holes that never got patched begin to expand. Until finally there is nothing left to hold back the waters that threaten my sanity.

The wall is gone and in its place is a tidal wave of sadness and shame. Now I’m drowning. And there is no going back. I have to ride this wave until I can collect enough supplies to rebuild my dam.

Here I sit on a miniscule raft, frantically grasping for anything to help hold me together.

My first clue that I’m at this point is when I stop eating. I love food. I live for my next meal. My family always gathered around meals. My grandma and I bonded over sweets. If I’m sad I can eat some cookie dough and instantly feel better. But when the dam bursts I’m no longer hungry.

I didn’t eat at all the day I found out the latest assault to my sanity. Yesterday I ate half a bowl of soup. Today I choked down a sausage biscuit for breakfast and ate half my salad for dinner. I get hungry, but the minute I begin to eat my throat closes up and all I want to do is cry.

My second clue is that I start to write. I write like crazy. And that’s why I’m here. I want to start tracking this tidal wave. I wamt to be able to look behind me and make some sense of the devaststion.