biten once in 2019

1:01pm

It really is hard to believe how quickly the time is going these days. I probably say that a lot but it’s true!

I ‘started’ this entry like an hour ago but then immediately realized that I have a lot of work to catch up on. This year’s been so wacky that I am way behind on stuff. Also, I’m a huge procrastinator but whatever. That’s beside the point. ;)

I’m now seven months into a twelve month reconciliation process so I’m feeling productive but it’s not nearly enough. There’s so much left to do.

It’s time to get some thoughts out though. Because I had one of these moments last night where I was pretty bummed out. I know it’s because I get attached really easily to the idea of how I want things to go. Then, obviously, they don’t go that way and I end up all bummed out about it. I shouldn’t do it. I know this. But I just can’t help myself. My mind gets away from me sometimes!

Last night it was because I hadn’t heard from this guy in all day and I kept thinking about how it seemed so easy for him to not talk to me. Whereas I was sitting around hoping he would say something. Anything. I already stopped the crazy multiple text thing but I looked back and noticed that during the last week+ we’d talked basically every day and I’d started every one of those conversations except one. That made me feel pretty pathetic. Like I hate the idea of chasing after him or ‘begging’ him for any kind of attention. I definitely should not have to do that!

So yeah, I spiraled for a little bit. It didn’t last long. Just enough for me to hurt my own feelings. hah. It was just because I thought back to the last entry [Monday night] when he sounded so sincere saying he wanted to talk to me and how he only acted this way around people he “liked”, etc.
Then on Tuesday we were texting back and forth a little because I was driving out to the city he works in [like an hour away] after work and asked if he’d be around to join us for dinner. I figured why not? If he was going to be there late it’s not a big deal. He already knows my mom and has spent time with us. It’s pretty much the same as the client joining us randomly for dinner.

After he told me that he wasn’t going to make it [I don’t think he was in town that late], he later said, “Tell my future ex-mother-in-law that I’m sorry” Which started a whole big thing about whether or not he realized I was the only daughter and why the heck we were getting divorced already. He said something about the future but he’d already planned to split and I wanted to know why. hah. Turns out that he thought I’d claim spousal abuse and he’d get tired of my infatuation with LivePD and having a VCR. haha! I’ve literally only talked about LivePD once and that’s because he called while I was watching last Friday, but he already knows I’m obsessed! I told him those were some of my best qualities and some stuff about being a “dainty little lady” so he shouldn’t squeeze me so hard. He agreed that I was dainty but didn’t make it seem like a compliment. We had a couple one word answer texts and then I said that for the record I didn’t see the point in spending all that money on a wedding just to get divorced and that maybe if we eloped it wouldn’t hurt so much.
And he didn’t respond. Not that night, which wasn’t a big deal because it was close to his bedtime, but also nothing yesterday. Hence the spiral. Because I kinda felt like at least some kind of response was warranted. A stupid emoji response would have been enough to settle me back down, but nothing hurt my feelings.

I guess it’s true that I really am sensitive! And even more so now after the last couple years of bs drama I endured. [Yes I will take responsibility for half of that] It’s just that he reminds me so much of that other guy. Even the playful ‘arguing’ and the picking on me like the little kid on the playground. He said the same thing way back when. And I guess I’m paranoid that it’s all BS too. Nothing should ever be that hard. So I just want to quit it all but I can’t.
At least I kept myself from sending another stupid text reaching out. Oh man the willpower and control that took was out of this world.

It’s still a little bit of a struggle not to pick my phone up. I’m home now though and I’ve left my phone far away in my room so there’s less temptation. I think this is the first time I’ve left my phone in my room in a really long time. Kinda reminds me how much I enjoyed being disconnected in the past. Something I probably need to practice more in the future.

If only I weren’t so hooked on the attention and connection.

A part of me wants to pretend like that’s all it is. That I want attention from someone. I want someone to want me and all that.
But if that were the case, why didn’t it make a difference when the client was interested in me? The dude freaken made me a flower! and brought both my mom and I flowers for Valentine’s day. Something I’ve always said I wanted. He wanted to hang out all the time. He showed me attention. He would reach out to me just to talk. All of it. And it didn’t make a bit of difference.
Maybe it has something to do with chasing someone? Like I’m only interested if they’re unavailable? Or I don’t know. I’m confused by this whole thing. I swear I’m not actually spending that much time overthinking it but I’m trying to process my thoughts because they don’t make sense. What is it about this guy in particular? What makes him different than all the others?

Gotta wait and see, right? There’s not much else I can do at this point.

rose.
9:13pm