Beginning with a Question in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Question:
Is it more respectful to not mention something you aren’t directly impacted by, or to acknowledge a tragedy and try to throw a few words out into the ether that could never matter or appropriately respond to the tragedy?

The Christchurch Mosque Massacre does not directly impact me… but neither did the Emmanuel Methodist Shooting or the Tree of Life Massacre. But all three of them have a shared message: White Supremacy and Extreme Hatred are poisons that need to be dealt with. All I can say to those affected is “I’m sorry” and I can pray for their lost loved ones, I can pray for their safety, and I can pray for a world that is not as consumed with such violent hatred. And as much as I can promise to do what I can to fight against hatred, to vote for better leaders that don’t encourage hate by action or word… the truth is none of that would have mattered in Christchurch. This isn’t a Dylan Roof or Robert D. Bowers, grown in the seeds of United States Policy and Trumpian Insanity. This is our Auzzie and Kiwi friends being swept up in hatred, pain, and violence. So while the concept of “thoughts and prayers” has become something to make fun of in the United States… that is truly all we can offer in this time. The spread of hatred is a toxic mass spreading across our globe… hatred based on faith, hatred based on skin color, hatred based on gender, hatred based on sexual preferences, hatred based on whatever arbitrary or random thing we can think of.... hatred is spreading. We must resist hate.

Here’s a random statement: I had a dream that I attended my Wife’s wedding as a guest. Like… I was making the argument that once you’re family, you’re always family; so I wasn’t going to just not attend her wedding simply because she was getting re-married. I told Wife about this dream and she felt like it absolutely sounded like something I’d do. I did not tell her that I did not have a date to her wedding… nor that I had difficulties finding a date as a general concept.

So, Wife did actually do a little work towards “Classes” yesterday. She wrote up a long list of classes offered in the summer, she selected the ones she was interested in, and now has to decide which of those she actually wants to take… and figure out if any of those are ones she should take considering her end goal… which she still isn’t super specific about. Meanwhile… y’want to know why her “I’m taking classes!” but not registering yet bothers me? My law school contacted me to tell me that if I wanted to come back to speak, I could. As it is their Accepted Students Day on April 5th. For the Fall Semester. Because some schools are already preparing for FALL Classes; so waiting until “you feel like it” might forestall your ability to TAKE classes this summer!

In other news… my back is in want of a good walking. Anybody on here weigh less than 150 pounds and feel like walking all over my back? lol. Body tightness is definitely a real thing for me. And likely all connected to my sleep cycle being all fucked up. I spend my mornings now totally exhausted and by the mid-afternoon, I’m just shaking off the sleep nods like a College Sophomore with an 8 am class. But like clockwork come about 10 or 11 at night, and my brain and body are like, “So what are we doing now?” Dude… we’re trying to sleep now. “Nah. That sounds dumb. What else ya got?” We have sleep. Get with the program. “UH, no. We don’t. And I control that shit. SO are we playing a game, reading a book, writing something, what are we doing?” We are laying in this bed… with our eyes closed… until you fucking surrender!
So that is my evenings. Not wonderfully aided by my exercising and diet. Cuz… here’s the thing. I’ve been trying to get under 220 lbs for a long time. Never with as much dedication as I have now… but for a long time. And as I am back to 220 lbs (having lost the weight I gained between June and October)…I’m now staring at this Threshold Number that I’ve been fighting for a long time. Which makes sense. My parents tried to get me to weigh MORE than 120 lbs for years and it just never took. College + Medication = Weight Gain.... so now trying to get below 220 lbs is the challenge. And as the middle ground between those numbers is 170… that is why my goals are stated as “Get under 200 lbs. OR Get under 170 lbs OR Get back to 160 or less.” But as “simply trying to break 220” is a horrible motivator for me, for some reason, I’m also trying to prepare for a 5k again. Problem is, my current 5k time is around an hour. Meaning my “splits” are like just shy of 20 minute miles. Pathetic. I remember when I could run a 7 minute mile!!! Granted, I don’t expect me to get there again.... but I’d at least like to bring my splits down to 10 minutes… a 5k in around half an hour sounds much less.... old and out of shape, lol.

(Topic Change) Here’s where I am an asshole
I have three trials coming up. The guy I rely on to help me with coordinating… our Victim Witness Coordinator.... well, he isn’t here to help because (obviously) he should be grieving and setting up services and the like for his late wife. And I’m not one of these assholes that gets upset by that or demands he schedule that around work (unlike the Chinese Firm who had Muse work on her fucking wedding day). But… it certainly makes me feel scared. Because I don’t want to royally fuck up my first Jury Trial here. But on the other hand… IF I royally fuck up my first Jury Trial here, but do a really GOOD JOB on my next jury trial.... that will say a lot. Because THIS jury trial… is cleaning up other peoples’ mess. I could be the most experienced, most talented lawyer in the country and that wouldn’t make up for 2 years of mismanagement. So while I certainly want to make sure I’m doing things RIGHT for that case.... if we lose, I’m not QUITE as “you suck” about it. But still… y’know… it’s me. I want to do well!

So… I’m going to go do more research. And more reading. And more praying. And hope I can get everything as good as possible.
So this is totally how I hold a pencil, too.


Seeing as how everyone else has done this one, lol:

Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
No, but I do follow her on Instagram and Facebook. Sodding successful, she is, too! Traveling the world, club promoter, professional musician playing Burning Man every year, horse owner… yeah.

What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
Work with a respected Editorial Artist to create a sculpture about Plastic Waste and Pollution

What kind of music did you listen to in elementary?
Honestly.... it was mostly Jan & Dean, Beach Boys, Weird Al Yankovic, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Technotronic, and Metallica

What is the best thing about your job?
I get to use my Law Degree to do something I consider worthwhile

Do you wish cell phone etiquette was a required class?
I wish etiquette was a required class! Proper cell phone behavior isn’t an independent clause… it goes with the larger concept of polite, considerate society… which we’ve all but abandoned, it seems.

Where are you going on your next vacation?
Well… if I get Wife on board: Hawaii. If not… I might just grab MBFITWW and go to Japan. Or grab MBFITWW and head to Dallas for A-Kon

Quote a song lyric.
Dressed up to the eyes/It’s a wonderful surprise/To see your shoes and your spirits rise

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Tricky question. I have friends I’ve known for 19 years… but the people I spend the most time with I’ve either known for 10 years or 8 years

Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
No, actually

If you could be an animal what would you be?
Wolf. Or an Eagle. Or a combination of the two where I’d have the body of a wolf, the head of an eagle, and an eagle-like set of wings with a large enough wingspan to still fly… so like a Wolf-based Hippogryph

What state/country are you from?
Iowa

Tell us about the last conversation/s you had.
Discussing how we’re going to schedule our busy court schedule next week while still trying to be present for our VWC’s wife’s funeral

Where do you see yourself in one month?
That would be April 15th and according to my court schedule, I’ll likely be attempting to hear back on a plea deal I made months ago

What is your favorite smell?
The smell of an old wooden cello

What is your favorite sight?
Depends on my mood… bodies of water are good… friends having a good time is good… the attractive smile of delight on a beautiful woman is great

Do you consider yourself bi-polar?
No and not to lecture but this “commoditizing of legitimate mental disorders” bothers me a lot. “I like things clean, I’m so OCD!” No. OCD is a legitimate medical condition that you can’t diminish by misunderstanding and trivializing. “Sometimes I’m sad, sometimes I’m happy; I’m so bi-polar!” No. Bi-Polar Disorder is a legitimate medical condition that you can’t diminish by misunderstanding and trivializing. It isn’t like you hear people say, “Ugh, I’ve had to go to the bathroom a lot today. I’m so Ulcerative Colitis!”

Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworkers?
I wouldn’t say vindictive. I’ve not covered for them or I’ve allowed them to do a poor job of their work; but I’ve never actively done something to a coworker in the hopes or with the intention that they would receive unjust punishment

Have you ever gone to therapy?
A few times. Genuinely never helped as a kid but it did a lot of good as an adult

Have you ever played Spin the bottle?
No, I have not. I’ve always wondered if this is a real thing or just something that once existed, so older screenwriters put it into Entertainment so we all just assumed it was still a thing. I have the same curiosity about 7 Minutes in Heaven

Have you ever toilet-papered someone’s house?
No. I’m remarkably straight laced. Though… I definitely have my darker side… just not one I often show in public settings

Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Story of my life

Have you ever gone camping?
Yeah, my Dad was big into his sons being Boy Scouts

Have you ever had a crush on your sister/brother’s friend?
I wouldn’t say a crush, necessarily, but definitely a recognition of “This is an attractive lady.”

Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Not yet. I’ve walked past some but I tend to understand nudity contextually unless it is my wife… and yes, that is a choice. Nudity is nudity and not that big of a deal… but since my Wife is more likely to wear 19 layers as opposed to being nude; that’s a different story.

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
No. Not sure I’d want to due to the sand issues. But then again… I think the “romanticized” idea of sex on the beach has more to do with a heightened sense of passion and need… like “I want you so much, I can’t even wait until we’re off this beach” and.... well… the only person that ever wanted me that much tried to kill me

Have you ever had a stalker?
Honestly tough to say. More like ex-girlfriend who went crazy. Stalker implies a sense of following, logging movements, trying to always be nearby.

Have you ever BEEN the stalker?
I hope not. It can be tough to say because some people are (understandably) hyper-sensitive so… it is entirely likely that someone may have thought I was a stalker even if I had no idea that the other person existed.

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
I don’t think so, but it is hard to remember. I don’t often laugh so much I lose control.

Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one?
Yes, too many times in my life

Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. I know for sure of this happening with 3 girlfriends… but the possibility always exists that there were more

Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?
I wouldn’t necessarily say betrayed. My friends in Elementary School just kind of… disappeared. Then I didn’t really have any real, quality, solid friendships again until after College.

Have you ever lied to your parents?
Of course, most people have at some point in their lives.

Have you ever been out of the US?
Yes. Canada, Mexico, Bermuda, Germany, and Austria. I have a long ways to go if I want to explore more of Asia, Australia, Europe, Africa, and South America!

Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
I look abysmal in hats… even if it were a terrible hair cut, the cut would look better

Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
Sadly, this is likely. Sometimes we’d travel by car to do long trips which would result in McDonald’s Breakfast… Subway or something for Lunch… Burger King, Taco Johns, or something for dinner. All in the car still travelling to the destination.

Have you ever gotten so wasted you can’t remember the night before?
For so long I was so proud to answer this in the negative but I can no longer do that. Age, stress, diet, and lifestyle have changed enough that I simply cannot drink with the kind of Devil May Care gusto I once did

Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?
You would have to define spy. Have I watched them from across the room.... then yes. Have I checked to see what dance club they were going to, made sure to get an invitation to that same dance club for that same evening, “accidentally” run into them and spent the evening hanging out with them and their friends.... then also yes.

Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?
No I have not. When I was working during Law School… that may have been a much better selection pool. Now? No thank you!

Kissed more than one person at a time?
No; but like every other teenaged boy that saw Wild Things in 1998… I’ve always kind of wanted to

Plans for the week/weekend?

Friday: Exercise, Watch Jeopardy, Call Parents
Saturday: Couples Counseling, Grocery Store… hopefully “Basement Time”. Not that Basement Time has to be me solo, playing video games, watching porn, and writing.... Basement Time could be me with Wife, playing video games or watching a movie, or playing Board Games. But… since Wife is, apparently, opposed to the basement until the outside gets hotter… Basement Time will almost certainly be the former.
Sunday: Work Out, Drink for St. Patrick’s Day; probably video games or movies.

Y’know what? Call me a bastard, cuz I deserve it… but lately, I’ve kind of been thinking.... I’d like to have a Raven again. I mean… I get how shitty that is to say, I do. But the idea of a woman that I find attractive (cat fishing or not) that finds me attractive (or even could) that wants to have naughty texts and e-mail exchanges. I mean… I know I could have that most likely… I know I could probably tool around on Prosebox for a while to find someone(s) who may be interested… but then.... especially with most of the people I know on Prosebox… you’re people. You’re genuine, legitimate people whose troubles, struggles, pains, and hopes are well known to me. In other words… I value your spirits. But more… I appreciate your broken moments. It is difficult to do “fun psuedo-sexual fling” with someone online when you also know “This person’s marriage is collapsing due to abuse and more than fun sexy times, I just wish I could help that person out of their abusive situation” or “This person is struggling with some pretty heavy identity issues… I’m not going to add to any confusion or pain for my own selfish desires; that would make me a horrible person and terrible friend!”

And I guess that is why Raven was… I don’t know… a bit of a unicorn. If she even existed. This hot, sexy, openly sexually expressive Goth Princess that worked at a law firm, so she knew how to do the Proper, Intelligent, and Professional thing… this woman that would talk about her real life but wasn’t “relationship talk” so much as “So a thing happened. How are you?” A woman who would respond to “I’m feeling stiff today” with “I know you mean your body, which I’d be happy to rub. But if you mean something else, I’d be happy to more than rub!” I don’t know. I guess something airy, light, confidence boosting… but then, maybe I’m just being selfish.