Old Friendships and Jealousy in Inside My Head

I have been reading old diary entries pretty frequently lately and have been nostalgic. I miss my college friends; I never see anyone any more. Erin and Lauren and I have been texting pretty frequently. Erin is constantly working, but Lauren was supposed to come over about two weeks ago...except she forgot. So we rescheduled for yesterday. Nicole asked to come, so she came over as well. On top of that my new flooring was supposed to be installed the same day. It was supposed to be on Friday, but Mother Nature's snowpocalyse screwed my plans. So yesterday was a little nuts.

Lauren and Nicole look the exact same. I don't know why I expected them to look different. They basically look unchanged since college. I wonder how people compare to the way I looked then to how I look now...Anyway the afternoon was generally fun. We chatted most of the afternoon, we brought lunch in, we listened to the chaos going on upstairs.

Nicole mentioned a couple of things last night that made me jealous. I guess envious is a nicer word to use, but jealousy is how I felt. She was from a low-middle class family and married into a very wealthy family. Her husband does something with hedge funds. They bought the house in 2008 and he's already talking about moving into a more expensive home. Their home was fully renovated when they moved in. We've been renovating since we moved here and still are not done. She's a teacher and complained about not getting home until 5:30. I'm lucky if I get home at 8:15. Then she mentioned she and Mike (her husband) are trying to have a baby. I always get the same chest-tightening reaction when someone mentions they're trying to have a baby. Its so easy for the majority of people and for me its next to impossible. Then she mentions that she's 'retiring' once she gets pregnant because the amount she makes as a teacher isn't worth it for them for her to pay for daycare so she can go back to work. I love my husband, but it would really amazing if my husband could share some of the financial burden, never mind letting me be a stay home mom. He passed the CPA exam but now we have to wait til he gets some paperwork in the mail and then he has to work on the credentialing process which takes a few months. I want to bang my head in a wall. Part of the reason why we waited a year after our wedding to have a baby is because I was waiting for Michael to get his shit together. He's been telling me for years that when we start having kids I will be able to back off working overtime shifts and he'll have a better job which will make up the slack. Clearly that hasn't happened. So when Nicole starts talking about her life, it sounds a lot like the life I've always wanted for myself. I'm happy everything is going so well for her, it'd just be nice if some of that luck could find its way to me.

Another interesting conversation point - I had mentioned that I would absolutely go back in time to college if I could. Not at this age, but just rewind the clock and relive some of the ridiculous things I did in college. Nicole and Lauren disagreed. The past should stay in the past and neither one could be bothered going back. Does that say something about me or my life? I do love Michael, I like earning my relatively big paycheck which provides me independence, I like my new-ish car that isn't breaking down every five seconds like the piece of garbage I drove in college. I just wish I had more excitement and less worry. I read old entries and I'm envious of my old life. I went out 4-5 nights a week, was running after boys, having fun with little to be concerned about except passing classes and surviving nightmarish hangovers. Now I'm either working at the hospital or on my days off I'm studying for my recertification exam, cooking, cleaning, and doing errands. For a wild night, Mike and I go out to dinner and a movie. I'm usually passed out by 11 pm. I spend my free time Googling infertility treatments and success rates. The highlight of my week is that my master bedroom got wood floors. My friends no longer live down the block. Everyone is scattered and busy with their own lives. Prior to yesterday afternoon I haven't seen Lauren and Nicole in a year.

There are many things in my life to be thankful for, I know. I just wish that some aspects of my old life still existed. I wish a lot of things I guess.

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