My problem is in just testing

I’m a liar.

I’m a nice person. I care about alot of people.

But I’m also manipulative. I act nice to people I don’t like. I make people think I like them. But inside I’m mean and judgemental.

I almost think that if I wasn’t so fat, I’d think bad things about fat people. So when I meet new people, I get anxious because I KNOW that just because they act like they like me, they may not.

Just because they act like they’re not digusted by me, they probably are - because I am.

It’s a weird conundrum where I can’t trust any people because I’m not trust worthy.

I mean, I don’t go around hating on ppl all day. Most times I’m in a store, I’m just in and out - not judging or caring.

I dunno. I’m not usually mean but I can be. I guess every one has that. But I’m afraid of what ppl think of me because I’m know what I think of myself, and others.

I ate half a box of cereal out of anxiety because I’m meeting someone kinda new And she’s So Pretty and So Skinny but she’s always been so nice to me.

I’m so nice to ppl that they like me but i don’t believe it. Ugh. I’m dumb and Kim trying to work through this.

Trying to like myself, love myself, and therefore then can see how others truly do love me to.

You know what. I got this from my mom. She was judgemental. She wanted me to be skinny, straighten my curls, and wear contacts. She made me feel that my natural state was not pretty. I can’t blame her entirely but she was certainly part of me not liking me.

And me hating me made me insecure that others felt that way too.
I’m overly nice to block the chance they they are judging me.

It’s like, if I’m fat And mean, you better the first thing someone would call me is a fat bitch. But if I’m nice the wont call me that, but I know they’ll think it. It’s on the tip of their tongue if I act mean. It’s so obvious. It so right there in your face. So easy to call me a fat if they wanted to hurt me.

And it would hurt me. And I’m afraid to be hurt. Cause it’s true. I’m fat. I’m over indulgent. I’m out of control. I am all these things.

When I feel, any bad feeling, or I feel like I might potentially feel bad feelings, food makes me feel better.
Why, when it’s actually making my fat worse? I DUNNO! But it does.

So… I’m afraid every one is as mean on the inside as me. And I eat to calm that fear. And I get fatter and increase my fear.

Ugh, how do I change this?!