yikes in random

do you ever have those moments when you realize nothing matters and we all exist in a universe that couldnt care less what happens? a human life is a tiny blip on the grand scale. i know that, it calms me down sometimes other times it just makes things worse. if nothjng matters then whats stopping me from killing myself.
i recognize that nothing i say or do now is gonna matter in a few years, let alone decades or centuries. and yet, i’m stuck. i keep thinking about everything i’ve said or done thats a mistake. i regret speaking, regret painting something with meaning, regret being ambitious..
my mind is spiraling and i cant do anything to stop it
if i tell anyone irl i’ll end up back in therapy and back on meds and spending too much time and money on things that dont help
if i tell anyone online whether its through an anonymous journal or a hotline, i feel like a burden- my percieved “problems” are so insignificant in comparison to others. i mean i have the privilege to think about the universe and stare at the stars. its a privilege to be this free thinking. and i just feel so ungrateful constantly. and i feel like i’m annoying someone constantly. whether its a teacher and a late project or my parents and choosing a college. theres so many things that i’m worrying about and i dont have the mental strength to deal with it all
i had a fucking panic attack in my morning class bc i was asked to talk about my painting and the more i thought about it the more it reminded me of my current situation and my ex and just the way i act in general and i didnt want to say that bc i knew i would end up being pitied but guess what fucking happened anyways ?? i fucking broke down crying at 10am because i had to talk like what the fuck kind of pathetic attention seeking bullshit is that @my brain
i’m just so exhausted in every way and i want a break and i want to take a gap year but my mom thinks that i’ll end up staying with her till i’m 45 and never accomplishing anything
even thiugh i would probably accomplish a lot more if i could take a fucking break
its been go go gO ever since i was in like 5th grade and i’m tired
tl;dr i hate myself and i want to die