Secret #3 in Chaos

I am a sex addict.

This probably stems from my relationship with my ex and also common with someone with BPD (Borderline personality disorder).

Ever since I became sexually active when I was 16, I have never had a healthy sex life. I lost my virginity to a friend one night when I had been drinking. It started after I had a couple of drinks and I made some comments about us fooling around. We were hanging out on a back road and we started fooling around. Before I knew it he was lowering my pants and ontop of me. It didn’t last very long but afterwards I remember thinking that 1. I couldn’t believe I had lost my virginity on the side of a road and 2. He hasn’t used a condom. Things got weird between us afterwards and he never spoke to me again. I felt....sad....and then angry.

My 2nd time was with a highschool boyfriend about 6 months later. I loved him, well as much as any 16 year old girl can love someone. After we had sex I felt dirty and decided that I wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship and told him. In the beginning he was supportive but after 2 weeks we broke up. I was crushed. This is when I started thinking that sex was a must for any relationship. That in order to have someone love me and not leave me I would need to have sex with them.

Those thoughts were reinforced during my relationship with my ex. In order to keep him happy I had to give him sex no matter what. I truly believed I did not have the right to say No. I also began needing sex. I needed to have sex to feel loved, I needed it to feel any type of worth, I simply needed it. It became almost an obsession.

After my breakup I struggled hard with my need to have sex. I became extremely promiscuous. I sought out sex with strangers, which in today’s dating world is super easy to find. I put myself in some sketchy situations. All I wanted was for sex to fix how I felt and it did until afterwards when I was alone. After the sex high would wear off I felt dirty and ashamed but I couldn’t stop.

I also would use oral sex as a way of feeling in control and a substitution for cutting. There is nothing more powerful then controlling someones orgasm and it was the ultimate high for me.

I eventually hit my breaking point and was starting to receive help for my depression again. My therapist helped me work through some of my issues and thinking towards sex and I became ready to try dating.

I met the most amazing guy in the world and we started dating. I decided that I was going to wait to have sex with him. I wanted to build an emotional connection with him before starting a sexual relationship. I had severe mixed feelings about waiting. I was terrified that if I didn’t have sex with him right away that he wouldn’t want to date me and that it would validate my feelings that I was only good for sex. This amazing man told me the most beautiful thing he could ever tell me: “You are worth the wait.”

And he meant it.