I used to self harm.
I have been struggling with depression since I was 14-15 which stems from a dysfunctional childhood to say the least.
One of the ways I would cope with the stress of everything, my intense emotions or just to numb everything was by cutting.
It started with just cutting a few times within a couple weeks but quickly turned into a couple times a week then before I knew it I was cutting myself daily. I would cut mostly on my left arm (I am right handed). I would hide it by wearing long sleeved shirts and hoodies and making sure I never had to change in front of anyone. I was able to hide it from everyone for a couple weeks until one day in school.
A friend of mine noticed the healing cuts on my arm one day and informed our school guidance counselor which led to a phone call to my mother. At home that night my mother approached me and we briefly discussed my cutting but she didn’t take it seriously.
I tried to stop but it had become an addiction. I was addicted to the rush of endorphins that were released when I would cut. I started cutting again that week.
Within a few weeks of my mom finding out I attempted to talk to her about it. I wanted to stop cutting and I needed her support. I showed her my arm and she cried. The thing I remember the most from our conversation that day though was her begging me not to start cutting other parts of my body because why scar more of myself. She was more concerned about any scars left on the outside then the ones that had been left on my inside.
This was the last time I tried to reach out for help from her. I realized that day that as much as I wanted and needed her to understand she just wasn’t able to understand my cutting. I was alone in my battle.
Eventually after a 4 year long struggle and therapy I was able to stop cutting. I have gone 13 years with only a few slip ups. Even though I am no longer cutting it is still something I struggle with. The urge to cut is still with me and there are times where I come close to giving in but just like with any addiction, I take it one day at a time.
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