I had another dream, i don’t remeber much from it but iknow my mother died… maybe it was the talk about independence we had earlier this weeek but i’m not sure. I felt sad, hopeless, in the dream i wasn’t worried on the things i might have depended on her for thank god, it was more about her not being in my life. The yearning of my mothers hugs, the sound of her footsteps i would no longer listen to was what my heart cried for, although i don’t actually remember crying just laying down unable to sleep.
After waking up i spoke to leo, told him about another of my sadnesses, I recently felt the loss of a person, sabrina. He had been my best friend (person) to this day…
maybe she still is
maybe it’s a fase
maybe it was just me being overly sensitive with the rest of my friends in ireland
maybe people are meant to stay
The thing was, she had recently made told me about a series of plans that sounded not just ludacris but also unnecesary, she was becoming another person, and we just weren’t on the same page anymore, the hard part was i had let her know exactly how i didn’t aprove of it and she had just pulled away. It’s not that this hadn’t happened before, because it had but somehow this seemed and felt different. Normally with anyother person i would reach out, make things work, stay. Not that i didn’t care about her, i mean she is my person but why force things? The worst part was even if she came back, and i don’t know if it’s the day talking here but i have nothing to say, i have been filling up my day with activities but i feel empty at the end… like nothing i do is enough.
Over lunch my parents asked about Leo, Mat, Danna and Alison in Ireland. An unnecesary topic tbh, but it made me sad not being part of it. It was our dream since we started the career, and they were of living it and me working two jobs to buy some shoes. Ironicly my father asked “why wouldn’t you go? Would you have the rest of the requirements if it wasn’t for the money?” it felt like a spit in the face, he knew we didn’t even have a car at the moment and my mother had cut all her credit cards because of the amount of money we owed. Again the feeling of me overly doing things to get out of the vicious cycle felt useless, most of the time being with him made me feel this way.
So if guy friends part away when the find a couple, and Sabrina had done so as well, and everyone has a thing… Am i doomed to end this alone? I know they don’t have to be here 24/7 to be real, i know if i speak maybe they would hear me, but i felt like such a messy cloud of tears lately, nothing special was happening to me so why be here? What is my role in all of this?
Last updated February 04, 2019