can't pin me down in 2019

January 29th - 12:54pm

I’m not sure I should even start one of these today, or this week, because I feel like it’s going to get busy and I’ll forget all about it. Glad we have the save feature now [which I noticed only works if you put a title in just FYI].

Annnd two hours later I have finally been able to write another sentence. hah.

There are a few random topics I’d like to mention for my personal record keeping.

Like the fact that I spent over an hour on the phone with CK on Sunday. That was a surprise. I mean not only the fact that he called out of the blue again [twice in one year! we’ve got a record already!] but also the fact that we had enough to discuss to last almost an hour and half on the phone.

It was a nice slow afternoon on Sunday and he called just as our clients were leaving so it worked out perfectly. No other interruptions and plenty of time to catch up.
He was always easy to talk to. I didn’t get to spend nearly enough time with him while he was in town all those years ago. But the couple of times we hung out were so easy going. Just kicking back, drinking beer, talking about life. And the phone call worked out pretty much the same way, minus the beer of course. =P

Apparently he’s not drinking anymore. Gave it up some time last year. I found that out when I mentioned the conversation we were having would need a drink and he said he’d have coffee or tea. gasp. That would definitely change our dynamic since we kinda bonded over beer. hah. He still remembers about the Irish Death and I guess left a bottle at his parent’s house for me. He said he came to visit, but we didn’t answer the door. In July maybe? I know I was home but maybe we didn’t hear him knock…or he didn’t knock at all. It’s hard to tell with him and he always uses the excuse that our house is hard to get into.

That same afternoon I was heading to the city where his parents live so he said that I should stop by to pick up the bottle. I was telling him how crazy that would be. I’ve never even met his mom! Imagine I just walk up to the door like, “Hi there, I’m Rose. I knew your son like a million years ago and I’m here to pick up the bottle of beer he left for me six months ago.” That’s an insane suggestion, but he was all for it. He was excited about it. Trying to push me into actually doing it but there’s no way in heck I would ever do anything like that. He told me though that his mom would know it was for me. I guess maybe he mentioned it was for someone? But how much does she know about me specifically? I wonder.

1.30.19 - 4:45pm

Let’s see how many days this’ll take me to finish. hah. I’m currently waiting for some clients to leave so I can spray the desk down in Lysol and Clorox wipes. Ugh. I very strongly dislike flu season. No one’s ever “sick” but they’re still hawking their lungs all over my office. I wonder if it’s dangerous to use so many of those wipes? Maybe I’m hurting myself by using them. I need to find some gloves! Especially because I have the horrible habit of touching my eyes a lot. I’m really having to be careful with that these days. I cannot afford to be sick with such a seasonal job. If I don’t make money now I miss out on the whole year.

Anyway, I don’t even remember what I’ve already said about CK and I’m not sure my brain is functioning enough to read. hah. I swear I leave here so exhausted thinking that I’m sleepy but it’s all mental. My brain hurts from being “on” and interacting.

There are a lot of times during the off season where I start to think that maybe I’m not such an introvert anymore. That I don’t need the alone time or space to recharge anymore. Changing as I grow older or something. But then I come back to work here where I spend my entire day talking to people either on the phone or in person and holy cow do my batteries get depleted!! I guess I’ll never stop being an introvert.

Ok yeah so CK and I spoke for a long time. About everything really. Some work stuff since he was calling with questions and apparently needs the excuse to call me. We’ve actually been texting since Sunday, which I’m totally surprised by! I’d sent a text that night telling him to save my number because his excuse for not getting in touch was the fact that he didn’t have it when he was in town. I still had his saved in my phone since he’s never changed it. And we just sorta continued from there. Somehow spiraling into personality types [myers briggs stuff] and philosophies on life. haha.

Honestly, he doesn’t seem that smart. He is a TERRIBLE speller and I find myself constantly having to decipher his texts. No misunderstandings yet but sometimes it takes me a minute. It’s like having to sound out the words with whatever letters he’s chosen. [Is it strange that the two sheltered white men I text both suck at spelling?! hmm…] He is into philosophy type topics and really does have a lot going on in that head of his. To the point where sometimes I’m not sure I can keep up with him. I’ve never been a philosophical thinker. I like concrete stuff.

I read up on his personality type and it totally fits him. The lack of emotional connections and being a hugely creative type. Those profiles are always so interesting. Not that I want him to use it as an excuse but it helps me make a lot more sense out of him. It’s almost comforting, I guess, to know that it wasn’t my fault. Like the reason he up and disappeared without a trace had nothing to do with me or our perceived friendship. That definitely makes me feel better. It bothered me when he left and didn’t want to keep in touch. Now I understand that it wasn’t entirely his fault.

We actually talked about the possibility of my going out to visit him in Alaska! I told him that he better not say such things to me [inviting, or offering a space to stay, etc] because I take that stuff seriously and I will show up. Especially Alaska! I have always wanted to go there. And when we somehow got around to my bucketlist and the Northern Lights I about died when he said he sees them all the time. It’s so common that he doesn’t even think it’s interesting anymore. GASP The excitement from seeing them would turn me into a giddy little schoolgirl. haha. He said if I came out there he’d take me to the area, leave me there, go do something ‘interesting’, and come back when it was over. haha. Ok. Whatever. I don’t think he’d actually leave me alone, but it was funny.

I am strongly considering this. He bought a property out near Fairbanks and he said he’d be back there after May. He’s going to fix up an old trailer that’s on the property and he pretty much said I could stay there as long as I want. Imagine? Out in the middle of nowhere just enjoying nature! It’s exactly the kind of thing I dream of. Especially while I’m stuck here at work every day with all these crazies! =P

1.31.19 - 2:18pm
Seriously never going to be able to finish this. I should probably post and then add to it as I get time so it’s not sitting as a saved entry. I’d hate for it to randomly disappear after all my hard work! Plus there are new things to say that should go in their own entry instead of continuing this one for the rest of the season. This seems like the best plan.

All this basically turned into a CK thoughts and update so we’ll leave it on its own. We are still texting back and forth. Not sure what will happen when it fades out. I assume months will pass before we speak again. I honestly don’t expect him to keep in touch, and I will not force him into any kind of constant contact. I already told him that I wouldn’t make him commit to anything. hah. As much as I enjoy having him as a friend I know that’s not his thing. I definitely do want to get in touch after May and plan a trip. The Lights would have to be a winter thing but I don’t know if I can handle the cold.

It would just be nice to do something on my own like that. A couple of kids running around. I think we’d get along fine. We’re both good at being on our own. Wouldn’t require a lot of attention or constant interaction. I think we’re the kind of people that could be alone in a room together and be totally fine. Like the presence would be enough and there wouldn’t be any expectation to entertain. I could enjoy an amazingly relaxing vacation and still have someone there to play tour guide and keep me from getting lost in the wilderness. It has the potential to be a pretty perfect trip.

I wouldn’t even feel bad if we ran out of things to say or if I needed my own space. I really do need a trip like that to get my head on straight and process every thing that has been happening in my world over the last couple of years. I’ve pretty much narrowed it down to the fact that I’m definitely blaming myself and I don’t know how to get over that just yet. Some alone time in the middle of nowhere, without truly being alone, might just do the trick.

rose.
10:41pm