Maybe I spoke too soon in All other relationships

  • Feb. 14, 2014, 9:45 a.m.
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In my last entry I said that I decided things just aren't working out with Lou. He has a way of winning me over even after I decide to write him off. I get mad, I decide I'm not going to contact him anymore, maybe even be short with him when he contacts me. But he is so very sweet every time without even knowing I have a problem with him.
So not only did he text me last time, but we were talking for quite a while and and we ended up getting together the following day.
We went out for breakfast on Monday and we ended up staying there for hours again, talking. During the course of that conversation, he happened to bring up both things that I was mad about in conversation (again, not even knowing that I had an issue with either thing). For both of the things I was upset with, he cleared everything up. He wasn't lying about anything at all. It was just kind of weird how things worked out like that. Plus, this time, he held both my hands while we were sitting across from each other at the table. I was happy he did that because when we were together the time before, I wanted to take his hands like that but I was afraid to do that.
I am just afraid to make the first move with anything with him. I don't want to move too fast for him given that he is a recent widower. He absolutely needs to make the first move every step of the way. He is taking the lead very well with that. At first, it was perfect because I was afraid he would try to kiss me and I wasn't exactly over George yet. The thought of kissing anyone else actually scared me. I wasn't ready for those feelings yet. Since we haven't kissed yet and it's going on 4 months now, I am highly impressed with that. He has been making inuendos lately and I thought this last time he might try to move things forward. He did, he held my hands. Who knows what else might have happened if I didn't have to fly out of there to get to work. We happened to get to talking about "it" today. I made the dirtiest comment to him and that just sparked the whole topic. Long story short, I told him that I was worried about moving too fast for him. He said he thought the speed at which we are moving is perfect for him. I love that he feels like that. However, at the same time, I am dying here. I have been getting so out of control extremely horny, it's crazy. He has fueled 2 very big orgasms in the last 2 days. I love finally having a man make me work for it for a change. Yet, I have to be so careful. The last thing I want to do is to push him too far with any of this. I know how men are. He could be moving full speed ahead the whole time, totally trying to work for it. He could be the one pushing for it in every way, but then once he orgasms, he could be overcome with feelings of guilt. I just don't want that. I don't want that for either one of us. I don't want him to go through that and I sure as hell don't want to be caught in that. Once I give myself to him, it will be done with so much emotion, I wont be able to handle it if he pushed me away right after that. I have to be so careful here. Not to mention the fact that I have issues with being in the shadows in his life still anyways. It definitely isn't the right time for us to go there yet. It's just these intense hormones are driving me crazy at the same time. I am climbing the walls. I have been craving dick. I need to feel that shit inside of me. I need to get absolutely pounded... hard. God, it feels like it has been forever.
There is a part of me that hates this side of me. The other part of me feels like I should just embrace this and enjoy myself while I still can. I have heard so many women talk about how they can't enjoy sex anymore because of dryness associated with menopause. I am inching up on that shit. I feel like I need to get as much sex as possible before that happens because I have spent too much of my life without it already. If I start drying up and am no longer able to enjoy myself... Idk. Either way, I really like Lou. I think he is worth the wait. I just wish we could see each other more often. I guess the weather will start getting better in a few more weeks. Once it stops snowing, we will see each other more frequently. I guess this is one of those occasions where I should probably be thankful for the weather. Maybe it's what I keep reading about... where you think everything is going wrong but come to find out, God is just trying to protect you from something.
So, I may not be sure what it is that God is protecting me from but whatever it is... thank you God!

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