1.) Don’t have heroes, have influences. Heroes tend to crush you when you find out how much of their public image is a sham. Influences are fluid, changeable, negotiable. It goes without saying that being an appreciative audience is 1000x healthier than being a “fan”.
2.) The grammar alt-right are just as bad as regular grammar Nazis but a lot dumber. The Soup Alt-Right is just as bad as the Soup Nazi except he’s just microwaving Campbells Chicken and Stars in a 7-11 while yelling at strangers. The Soup Proud Boy is the worst, though, he just stands around in a city park, crumbling Saltines into a pond, claiming that it is discriminatory that no one is giving him French Onion Soup for free.
3.) Your half-orc valor bard will be named Morc and wade into battle with the horrifying war cry “NAH-NOO NAH-NOO!”
4.) U.S.S. Julia Child, the only culinary ship in starfleet, sous chef’s log, stirdate 48548.9
5.) The tamest exploitation film ever distributed was called FACES OF BETH. Just some woman named Beth making judgemental faces, walking around a food court in 1987. It sold only three copies to three men with a very very specific fetish.
6.) A hotel workers picket line at a Steven Universe convention called The Rubycon but happily no one will cross it.
7.) Butchers are paid at a cut rate.
8.) Depending on pronounciation “polish sausage” and “polish sausage” mean very very different things.
9.) Name your band/business/organization This Day so you can send cool e-mails like “From: This Day <fwd>” </fwd>
10.) Newest facebook bot looking to be my friend with pictures and claims of being a moderately attractive American Caucasian woman but with, bizarrely, a middle-aged Hindu man’s name? “Rajan Kumar”. I dunno why this fascinates me so.
11.) I just hope there’s a podcast about “Tidying Up” called “Tidying Pod”.
12.) He wished for mind control but the genie misheard, he got mime control and ended up the worst superhero ever.
13.) Why did they create the term “bridezilla” when “altar-ego” would’ve been fifty times more clever?
14.) When they tell you that we “should have fresh faces” they are saying “we want you suckers to run some chump so inexperienced and unlikeable by anyone but the fringe that Trump could actually win fair and square next time”.
15.) It is fair to say that Tim Tebow getting engaged to a Miss Universe is… ah… performative.
16.) Your film about a cornfield from which infamous murderers can be summoned will be called FIELD OF GEINS. The tagline will be “If You Build It, They Will KILL!”