1.) It started by telling you that a black politician couldn’t possibly be American and then by telling you that a woman who can lead must somehow be a fraud. When they tell you who they are, listen. These are not metaphors.
2.) You can’t spell Gandalf without “ALF”.
3.) When parents talk about their jr. high kids being in “modified basketball” or “modified football”, it’s never, like, a giant eight-foot-wide basketball or something and that’s a shame. I wanna see people play eight-foot-wide-ball basketball.
4.) I always read “no loitering” as “no littering” in a heavy NYC accent.
5.) Lake Effect is the kind of snow that comes here. Lake Affect is the accent with which we curse this snow.
6.) It’s time to admit that your rapping elven bard is going to be named Doctor Drow. And his sidekick will be a halfling fighter called Martial Mathers. The faster you can admit this, the better off you are gonna be.
7.) Look, some of us aren’t going to be happy until there’s a FOOD FIGHTERS/BARNYARD COMMANDOS CINEMATIC UNIVERSE, all right?
8.) It was that moment he, attaining Enlightenment, realized that the theme to CHIP AND DALE’S RESCUE RANGERS stole its hook from LA BAMBA.
9.) Your Fatboy Slim parody will be about the Dunkin Donuts “time to make the donuts” guy and be called “Glaze You”. You have no control over this. It is a compulsion now.
10.) JUICE LEE: ENTER THE DRAGON-FRUIT
11.) A young Kool-Aid Man in gym class, attempting a headstand and nearly bleeding to death.
12.) Don’t call it a “sixteen-string bass” they prefer “hexadecimal guitar”.
13.) No matter how many pictures of spooky looking white dudes in hoodies peering over computers you push-feed me, I’m not buying McAfee for a 250 dollar laptop. Give up, McAfee, give up.
14.) Maybe Americans were just thinner because we were making, like, tuna Jell-O and Miracle-Whip pears and whatnot. Maybe the problem isn’t exercise, maybe our food fads aren’t gross enough. Only the kombucha people even seem to be TRYING.
15.) The key to social media is to remember, while your friends and well-wishers are reading, no one you can reasonably talk into another position is ever going to see a word you write. You are yelling at your computer, not people. Be freed by this truth.
16.) If I knew Joe Rogan, I would call him “Jogan” all the time and say it like He-Man all the time, “hey, Jo-GAN, what’s up?”
17.) Pulling glass shards out of a newlywed’s foot is called the L’chaimlic Maneuver.
18.) It’s about a chemist who invents a serum that transforms him into the world’s greatest assassin and it’s called THE NUTTY PROFESSIONAL.
19.) The monster man from Street Fighter retires to Spain, marries a lovely senorita and they buy a wacky money pit of a house in CASA BLANKA.
20.) Those really fancy bookmarks with the frayed string on the end are just expired unused tampons, flattened out to be used as something else then laminated. It’s very eco-friendly.