1.) Before the rats leave a sinking ship, they are known to cause quite the commotion.
2.) I just wanna know what Dante’s Disco Inferno would look like.
3.) Today’s song for the dog is to the tune of Elanor Rigby and is entitled “Fuzzy Potato” which is probably a more accurate assessment of Ollie than “dog”.
4.) Reality television killed my dream of being a sideshow barker because all the sideshow people are on TLC and Discovery instead of in a live show.
5.) Football Observations By A Baseball Fan: the wild-card-weekend playoff games are almost never decided by who is better, rather by who is less terrible.
6.) A movie about Scarlet Witch and The Vision taking over a failing dude ranch called MINDSTONE COWBOY.
7.) A movie about a mummy that plays baseball called THE SUPERNATURAL.
8.) Chipotle RANCH is your CHANCE to do mild-heat, c’mon, do mild-heat mild-heat, c’mon, do mild-heat mild-heat
9.) When something in your life hurts you, you only double it by beating yourself up about it afterwards. Forward is the only direction in time.
10.) Sure, a million dollars is cool but do you know what’s REALLY cool? Not having to give a damn about award shows.
11.) Don’t call it “pleasuring yourself to erotic fan-fiction”, the people on Tumblr prefer the term “shipping and handling”.
12.) DON’T SMASH MY POTS, MOST OF THE POTS YOU’RE SMASHING DON’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHI… ok, that one had the abstract concept of 5 hit points manifest as half a Valentine’s heart in it but… MOST OF THE POTS DON’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING IN THEM.
13.) One of the things I miss about my dad is the way he would get really offended if anyone thought that because he liked prog rock, he must like Rush. You wanna know why I’m a music snob, it’s cuz my dad taught me how to be an AWESOME music snob.
14.) If Cinderella were enslaved in a crayon factory instead of her step-mother’s kitchen, would they have called her Burnt Umberella?