1.) The cops almost caught the Victoria’s Secret shoplifting bandit but in the end, he gave them the slip.
2.) No, the nerdiest thing I could ever write would be a parody of Ozzy’s “Mama I’m Coming Home” about the Star Wars Holiday Special “Mala I’m Coming Home”.
3.) A loom is just a yarn guitar and the ensuing hat is just its song.
4.) The Ultimate Nullifier is galactose-intolerant.
5.) We are lucky there wasn’t an 80s Transformer that turned into a camcorder called Camgirl because of the implications now.
6.) Step 1: put a football in the microwave. Step 2: set for two-minutes and begin. Step 3: yell TWO MINUTE WARMING! Step 4: ??? Step 5: PROFIT!
7.) Your death-metal Ben Folds cover band will be called “Spindl Mutilates”.
8.) How could you call them “nanobots” when you could’ve called them “microbemachines”?
9.) I deeply enjoy watching “hardcore” performers sell out horribly if they live into their middle ages. Some day Pizza Hut will sell “Fifty Cent wings” and it’s gonna be hilarious.
10.) They should’ve named Sandra Oh “Susanna” so she could’ve been “Oh, Susanna” on standardized tests but, then again, I’m always pushing for ways to let people know that the world is leagues more absurd than they care to admit.
11.) As long as you keep navigating by the mirage of perfection that stays at the horizon no matter how fast you run, you’re never gonna get to the good stuff that’s actually here to be found, experienced, loved, etc.
12.) The inverse of “even bad pizza is pretty good because it’s still pizza” is “good Chinese food is great but there are few things worse in the culinary world than bad Chinese food”.
13.) Most of the time, the generic names in pharma ads that show up in my facebook stream sound like NPR hosts, like “Atorva Statin” or whatever? But this migraine medicine “Erenumab-Aooe” is flat-out just part of a Cthonic summoning chant.
14.) Consider that the illegitimate president may well be shutting down the government not over his racism wall but because he legitimately believes it will slow down the investigation proving he’s been the pawn of a foreign dictator from the start. He’s that ignorant.
15.) Mash up “Indian Love Call” and “Weapon of Choice” under the stagename FATBOY SLIM WHITMAN.
16.) It turns out that the paranormal is just a really average guy that jumps out of a plane.
17.) What “jack of all trades, master of none” means is you’ll never be a perfect master of any one thing but by being good at many things, you’ll find the synergies between them, inventing new forms others will later “master”. (Inventing is cooler than mastering.)
18.) The exact text of 1984 except every instance of “Big Brother” is replaced with “Santa Claus”.
19.) Your theatre troupe that translates Broadway musicals into doom-metal rock operas will be called “Rodgers And Rammstein”.
20.) The collective plural of moose is “an ontario of moose”.
21.) I wonder how often Eddie Izzard’s hairstylist says “YOU’RE A HAIRY IZZARD!” in a bad Hagrid impression.