1.) Captain Kirk time-travels into a Target in 2019 and is suddenly very sad, assuming the entire staff is about to die on the next away mission.
2.) Every time you get a receipt from CVS, an acre of trees in the Brazilian rainforest must die for it.
3.) You can sketch out your proximity to Saratoga Springs by Stewarts’ density. Out to Utica, there’s like.. one or two to a city, but by the time you’re in Johnstown, there are literally two kitty-corner from each other at the same crossroads.
4.) Special napkins for Dungeons and Dragons game nights called Total Party Wipes.
5.) Maybe the reason Al Bundy never looked forward to sex with Peg, despite her being gorgeous, was that “Peggy” was not a nickname for Margaret, rather a nickname based on her kinks and Al wasn’t into that kinda thing.
6.) I am a lot of work, an acquired taste and a certain amount of the population lack the gene to appreciate me but if all those things align right, I’m pretty awesome. I’m the cilantro of dudes.
7.) Your gender-swapped historical fan-fiction will be called LEOPATRA AND JULIA CAESAR.
8.) Today’s song for the dog: What do you do with a fat-ass puppy, what do you do with a fat-ass puppy, what do you do with a fat-ass puppy, when his name is Ollie.
9.) You’ll be pretty impressed with Home Depot if you go in with Lowes expectations.
10.) An alternate-universe Punisher where before his family is murdered, the Kingpin intervenes, breaking up the fight because killing innocents in the crossfire is bad for business and Frank instead enforces honour among thieves instead of killing them all.
11.) Sometimes the slightly-unsavoury forces up front that you dislike are actually the best case scenario available at the time, holding back tidal currents of horror. Know when standing with them is the least-harmful action. It’s not about being right, it’s about being humane.
12.) Pert-Plus is pretty good and Pert does the job but what is Pert-Minus like? Just a tube of water? Just a package of soap shavings?