Gah in Trying to Hold On

  • Jan. 4, 2019, 10:15 p.m.
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  • Public

So… herein we discover the fundamental flaw of me. I don’t mind trial. I don’t mind hearings. I don’t mind motions. But my lack of experience in the “deep weeds” of the law sends anxiety through me every time I have t enter. I have to enter. It is something (honestly) that most people have likely done by my age in the law… but I have not. And because of that, I’m gripped with anxiety in the form of panic. A panic that feeds on itself because (1) I don’t want to do it; (2) because I’m not sure how to do it; (3) but I have to do it; (4) and I’m worried I’ll make a mess of it; (5) and the longer I put it off, the more stress I feel; (6) because the more it has to get done. So… there. That’s where I am right now at 11:00 a.m. Central Standard Time.
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Well… I finished it. Took me 4 pages and I’m certainly not confident… but I finished it. Another reason why I don’t do drug crimes, man. All this stake out, search warrant, confidential informant, drug sting bullshit? I may get pissed as hell at my victims sometimes but… Special Victims is more up my alley. Someone hurt you, help me stop them. BOOM. That’s my job. Someone did something terrible, it isn’t your fault, I’d like to help. BOOM. That’s my job. This “You’ve been selling methamphetamine all around town but nobody will narc on you because you’ve threatened to kill their families and they believe you’d do it; so we’ve had to stake out your house for over a year”… that bullshit? I honestly think it is necessary… Meth is a great evil in our time and should be halted… but there’s just… I guess I would say a lot more moving parts to it all. But the writing portion is done. We’ll have to wait until Monday to see if I fall flat or rise above.

I’m torn by it. On one hand, this is a case so old that predates Trump’s first official year in the White House. On the other hand, this is a well known drug user hurting our community. On one hand, I’m the sixth attorney to deal with this, so it isn’t necessarily my fault if the case collapses. On the other hand, I’m the attorney tasked with carrying this case over the finish line I don’t want to falter. So… that’s where I am right now.
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Yesterday, the most diverse Congress in our history began its session. It is shameful that it took us this long to elect a Native American (seeing as how this was their country long before our arrival) and I’m proud that more and more states are getting past their “First Woman” or “First Person of Color” awards. The non-Latino White in America make up only 61% of the country’s demographics. Some reports state that you can break that down further into only 31% of the United States is non-Latino White Men. So, and here me clearly here, it is about damned time for Representative Government to start shifting away from “As many non-Latino White Men as you can pack in”. More women, more diversity in background and race and culture.. all good for our country. But it begs the question… Republicans were recently given a chance. Embrace “fiscal conservative policy and family values platforms” which could keep their Black and Hispanic voters from getting further disenfranchised with the party. OR embrace “Trumpism in all of its inherently racist, misogynistic, red pill bull shit.” The GOP, so far, has strongly backed Trump. And I was REALLY confused by this. Granted, I have officially left the GOP and with a pit in my stomach registered as a Democrat this year. But back when I was a passionate conservative, the platforms that mattered: (1) Stop throwing money away as a government; (2) build up military and national security; (3) protect family values. Simple. But when I talk to Republicans now about those platforms? (1) “However much money Trump wants for that wall, he should get. No question.” (2) “National Security means building the wall, not being nice to our allies.” (3) Fuck immigrants, they deserve to have their kids taken away.

Not my party. You want to throw money away, build the wall. You want to spend money wisely, listen to your damned experts. You want national security, don’t start fights with your allies while writing love letters to your enemies. That shouldn’t NEED to be said! And family values? Here’s a riddle. The United States separated children from Asylum Seekers. NO ONE had broken the law, Asylum Seekers and their Children are legally allowed to submit themselves to border security. But the children were taken anyway. Fine, if you have no problem with that… fine. But the children weren’t “processed” correctly, so the government didn’t know who the parents were. Here’s where it gets worse… The government deported the parents BUT NOT THE CHILDREN. So, parents are back in Mexico or Honduras or Guatemala or Venezuela or wherever… kids still in a Border Detention Facility in the U.S. And the United States has (officially) declared that they don’t know what kids go to what parents or where those parents are. I don’t care WHAT your stance on Immigration is… if you care about “Family Values”, the idea that the government has taken children from parents, sent the parents off, and now can’t reunite those kids… that should upset you.

But a writer suggested something. WHY are we seeing these Old White Men In Power act with less diplomacy, professionalism, and humanity than ever before? One theory? They know that their time is almost up.

It’s why Mitch McConnell is holding the Government hostage over an ineffective, multi-billion dollar monument to racism of a border wall, that two-thirds of this country doesn’t want.
It’s why men like Tucker Carlson, rant mindlessly about successful women ushering in the “decline of men.”
It’s why Republican leaders have spent the past year creating a massive straw man out of exhausted migrant families and refugee children, as though they were wealthy foreign adversaries rigging a Presidential election.
It’s why Right-wing trolls “leaked” a video of a high school-aged Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dancing, as if it was a clip of her saying she could grab less powerful men by the genitalia.
It’s why Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr, performed embarrassingly contorted theological gymnastics, in order to align with this President over poor people.
It’s why Donald Trump spent Christmas Eve bunkered down in the White House behind a smart phone, tweeting scattered, rapid-fire nonsense—instead of being with his family or reading or God forbid, serving someone.

It is the white-hot fear that has overtaken them all.

They’re all in a scalding panic, because they understand that their brief moment in history to have their way and impose their will is quickly coming to a close. The landscape is being renovated, the climate is changing, and as a species they are dying—which is why they will do what all frightened animals do when they are backed into a corner and realize the level of the threat: they will grow more violent than ever before.

And just like that, things come in to focus. The return of KKK. The rise of the Incel. The contorted screams of contradiction blending “We can’t spend money on HEALTH CARE” with “BUILD THE WALL FOR AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!” People feel like their whiteness, their identity of power is being forcefully taken away from them. So screw logic, we have fear. Forget compassion for the less fortunate, I’m losing power. Just one theory but… a theory that helps me make sense of some of the stupid things… from BOTH political parties (actually).
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Well… my after lunch time has been… interesting?

Phone tag with an attorney who represents Children in Need. She is currently assigned to our kidnapping victim. His kidnappers have gotten their cases severed and re-assigned; so I needed to find out if she could be in a county 3 hours away next month and then, on the same case, different defendant, a different county 5 hours away in June. She cannot, and I don’t blame her. So then we had to find attorneys IN those areas that specialize in representing traumatized children to assist this victim. After finalizing that, I had to go report to the Judge. Speaking with the judge turned into an hour and a half long gab session because, even though he is my parents’ age… apparently, we grew up in the same place and both of our mothers were music teachers for the school district and both of our mothers encouraged us to play instruments and both of us weren’t very good but enjoyed it. It was… weirdly fun bonding with a District Judge.

Came back to my office… new snafu with our kidnapping victim. His Family Support Residential Professional had been shifted out of her position last month and the child was absolutely melting down! Problem in many ways. This boy was kidnapped and tortured. So he has mental issues. Knowing that, his tormentors are claiming they never hurt the child but tried to control a “mentally ill child”. It is so sleazy it just might work. You force the kid into court, watch him scream and cry as he relives the trauma that was inflicted upon him, and the Defense stands up and says “How are you going to take care of a child like that? These people did the best they could!” It sucks. But (as I’m not prosecuting that case) I get to be a LOT more human about my response. You see, I’m the Juvenile Attorney… my job is to get that kid in a healthy house (which he is now) and provide for his welfare. So… if he is melting down… I get to be personally and professionally worried for the child. And I am. But there isn’t much I can do for him. Poor guy has already gone through hell; I hope the systems we’ve put in place are enough to help him.

After that unfortunate phone call… more joy from Special Victims (I do mean what I said above, but there is a lot more personal drama involved). The mother of one of our victims says that her child can’t testify. (1) Her child isn’t set to testify until February. (2) Her “child” is 25 years old. So I listen to the reasons that her child is traumatized and distraught and incapable of testifying and I understand. I do. Testifying to terrible things that happened to you isn’t easy for anyone. It shouldn’t be. If you can calmly and dispassionately detail the specifics of someone traumatizing you? I’m going to be a little worried. However, if I’m not hearing this from the victim themselves, I’m not even legally allowed to make any movements. The victim has not requested anything and, at last conversation, wants to testify. I have to go off of that conversation.

After all of that (which, in total, took only 3 hours); I unfortunately got into an argument with a good friend here on Prosebox. The notes were private and for sake of that I won’t go into detail. The general concept felt on this end to be judgment claiming that expecting a sexual relationship with my wife was wrong. Clearly I disagree with that. The argument felt like it got heated and to whom it may concern: I am genuinely sorry if I upset you. You know I consider you a friend and while we may disagree on some elements that are VERY personal to us, that doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. It just means that the things that make us different, the things that make our lives different, are important things that the other may not see clearly through these limited Prosebox Windows.

AS that was going on, I get a return judgment on the case that pissed me off yesterday. Dismissed. SO according to the judge… if person 1 is screaming while holding a baby, person 2 removes that baby from the situation, person 1 stands to leave and gets their coat on, person 2 returns from the baby’s room, and person 1 backhands person 2.... apparently, no assault occurred. I… passionately disagree with that… and told my officer that if given the same facts, he should still make an arrest. So… if this is a hill I have to die on professionally, so be it. An individual cannot strike someone because they are “emotional.” It doesn’t matter the gender. It doesn’t matter what was said. Physical violence perpetrated against another MUST by law be justified due to an actual or imminent threat being affected upon the individual that was NOT brought about by their own provocation.

That was immediately followed by “Track the Prescription.” I have bad eyes. They need medication. I am almost out of the medication, so I asked my local apothecary to fetch me more. They phoned my doctor and said they would get back to me today. Instead, I received a call from an apothecary near my parents’ home. THEY have my medication. I phoned my apothecary in an attempt to discover why. Apparently, my ENTIRE AREA is out of the medication; so doctor felt sending it to my old drugist would be acceptable. I mean… it isn’t terrible. But it will require 3 hours of driving to obtain the medication :(

In similar news, I received confirmation that if I want to see a specialist about my ever-plugged up constantly-bleeding snoring-and-stop breathing nose… that will be a problem. For ALL of 2019… the ENT is only in town on days where I am swamped in Juvenile Court. I set a February Appointment and I’m just crossing my fingers that it doesn’t conflict with some impending major Juvenile Matter.

So that entire thing was my 1:00 to 4:00 today. I only have half an hour left and I REALLY wanted to get everything finished for January Scheduling but… this weekend I’ll have time. Time and motivation to do it.

Speaking of motivation… I really wanted to avoid getting a haircut and shave until I had dropped more weight. When my hair is big and my facial hair present, Wife doesn’t make so much noise about “my head shape changing” so I wanted to get some of the weight off first. But it is getting to a point where even I can barely stand it. So… I think I’ll give it another month. Make it part of Groundhog’s Day: Shave and a Haircut. We’ll just see if I’ve managed to lose any weight by then!

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Family Gift Exchange Theme: Hats.
Yes, someone got me a Batman Hat.


Perpetually Plump January 04, 2019

Your wife is brutal on your self esteem. Why does she feel it's okay to just rip you apart like that? Man...

Purple Dawn January 05, 2019

Be a little kinder to yourself sometimes.
Your workload would give me a nervous breakdown I think. Take care,

woman in the moon January 07, 2019

I like the hat and the idea of a hat gift exchange.
I also like the view you give us into law.

Ares 5 days ago

So cute!!

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