Araw Tatlo in Trying to Hold On

  • Jan. 4, 2019, 8:01 a.m.
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Positives and Negatives
At work last night, my boss recommended I check out a case that the State (we’re county, so they’re like our Big Brother) is filing on for inspiration for my Resistance. That will be good as writing a legal document from Whole Cloth is… well… the honest answer is “scary” but the professional answer is “stupid.” You see, the truth about the law is that new means “problematic.” That is why “precedent cases” mean so much. If the issue has been litigated before, Judge’s don’t want to re-invent the wheel. They may rule differently than the precedent case; but they are required to distinguish the legal differences between the two to justify their conclusion. So to in paperwork. Technically, I could write the word “Motion” on any piece of paper and write whatever I wanted to and file it. But there needs to be a difference between Unlicensed Johnny Come Lately and Professional Attorney. The difference, partly, is our paperwork. So if I, a licensed Professional, can use other people’s past paperwork to make mine look Professional and Proper… much smarter.

So… here’s hoping I can finally freaking finish that Resistance Motion based on that document. Because… truth is… I’m likely to win the hearing. Or most of it. But if I don’t look like I’m playing the game, a Judge may penalize me and rule against us simply because of my lack of work product. So I have to put that all together. Even though, truth told, I kind of don’t care? Y’see… this is that stupid, dumb as hell, super old drug case. I’ve taken the large arm full of charges and said, “Plead to the Possession of Meth. Meth pisses me off. You had a small amount in your home, in your bedroom, in your closet, in your locked safe. It is your meth. Plead to the Meth and you won’t even serve any jail time.” And the asshole still won’t take the fucking plea because he thinks he can convince a jury that it isn’t his Meth, it is his son’s. His son. Who lives in a different part of the house. Who would have to enter his father’s bedroom, his father’s closet, his father’s locked safe to access the meth. Pisses me off. Take some fucking accountability, submit to the NO JAIL TIME sentence, and let us all fucking move on with our lives!! GAH!

Then last night, Wife and I hit the gym. I kicked my ass, of course. Of course I did… I tend to. To the point where I’m super sore today. But worse, due to my condition, my lower back fibers are just screaming at me. But I’ve got to try. Though, truth told… I am genuinely worried that my medication will act as a sabotage to my weight loss goals. See… I was a skinny guy before my pain got out of control. Pain went crazy, lived a Life In Bed lifestyle for a few months… only gained about 10 pounds. Got on medication and graduated from college… gained about 30 pounds. Switched medications… gained 40 pounds. Started working as an attorney (doing mostly sedentary work) and gained fifteen pounds. So… yeah. I’m a little worried about the medication’s affect on my potential to slim down. I’m not trying to get back to 120. That was High School weight and underweight at that. I’m not even trying to get back to 136 (where I was when Wife met me) even though that is where BMI says I should be (between 118 and 159). Right now, I’m just hoping to get below 200 pounds. And then, hopefully, soon thereafter down to 170 pounds.

It is insane how things work, man. All my life, people kept telling me to gain weight. Born and instantly diagnosed “Failure to Thrive.” At two years old, sent to Medical Specialists for Observation since I stopped growing for 9 months. Considered rail thin in High School and told that I needed to gain weight. Then as soon as I do, everyone enthusiastically and passionately reverses course. “You’ve gotten thicker”, “When did you get fat”, or “You need to exercise more.” Exhausting, stupid bullshit. Especially because when I was thin, I didn’t listen to any of them. I liked my size, weight wise, but wasn’t thrilled with my height. So… add that up. Being okay with my size during a lifetime of people saying “gain weight”… then I do gain weight largely brought on by excruciating pain beyond my control and the medications to manage it… and I miss my thin frame and have family telling me to “get in shape, exercise more, stop being fat” etcetera. Compounded uniquely and emphatically by current marital issues. Thus why I am, genuinely, a little extra sensitive about the whole stupid thing.
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Well, my 10:00 appointment forgot to show up.

We tracked her down and got her into the office anyway as she is a Domestic Violence Individual that is begging us to just “make the criminal prosecution go away.” This is the woman whose boyfriend threatened to kill her and her entire family and sent her 12 detailed text messages detailing the specific ways in which he would do so! So… important that she come in so we can convince her that SHE NEEDS TO PROTECT HERSELF AND HER FAMILY from this dude.

How’s this for law. Victim comes in, we’re having a fairly decent conversation. She’s confused, she doesn’t know what is best… frankly, GOOD. I’d rather have Domestic Abuse Victims confused because that means they are asking tough questions of themselves. The ones that come in demanding we drop the case, protect the abuser, and look the other way? Those are the ones that bother me because they’re unwilling to ask the hard questions. I get it. And if someone goes through the process, really digs deep down, asks the tough questions and then says she doesn’t want to pursue it? I’ll still pursue it, but I’ll appreciate that she took the time to take stock, ask the questions, deal with the situation. NOT LIKE the girl who was almost killed, shaking and hysterical when police found her, and then broke the law in order to get her abuser back into the county and told us to she’d perjure herself if we asked her to testify. I would say that is a fear response, she’s afraid of him… but the truth is… when she goes to find him and bring him illegally back into her house… whether she realizes it or not, she has the power there. She could say, “he hasn’t contacted me, I don’t need to go find him.” She could say, “he has another place to stay, I don’t need to smuggle him into my home.” It isn’t fear; it’s drugs. And that bothers me............ but… in the middle of this meeting, my File System goes crazy. 9 cases were just filed on all at once. What? The 9 cases? Fucking… allow me to say something people need to hear

Just because we call it the Land of the Free, does not mean you get to do whatever you want.

You damned sovereign citizen bastards. Guy decided to hunt deer on someone else’s private property without having a license… he did this throughout the midwest. Fucking thing should be a Federal Level Offense, but each county in each state is having to file charges. Defense attorney just filed Defense of Entrapment. Entrapment?! Are you fucking kidding me? Entrapment means that BUT FOR THE STATE’S DIRECT ENTICEMENT the individual would not have committed a crime. So… what… did the Midwest Tourism Board tell you to trespass and hunt without a permit? Are the wildlife just “too tempting”? What?
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This has become rather rambling. Maybe that’s good. Maybe rambling is a good way to keep my brain engaged. Maybe being all over the place allows you, the reader, to find at least one or two things interesting or noteworthy.

As I sit at my desk eating the first 460 calories of my day (salad & 2 7Ups), while the church bells next door play Christmas Hymns through the lunch hour; I begin to think about self-esteem. Certainly my wife’s is lower than I’ve seen in any other person I’ve met save one or two. On the surface, I can understand it as she feels that she has never achieved anything, never accomplished anything, really… never done anything. This is why she’s always focusing on her career/school/daily to struggle and wrestle with that question to which she still has no idea: What do I want to do? It is also why any assurances given to her that she needn’t obsess over that question fall on deaf ears. She looks to me, my brother, my Sister In Law… and we’re all, in her words, “doing things” whereas she feels like she “isn’t and hasn’t.” In other words, we’re still dealing with Wal Mart concepts. Brother, SIL, and I have jobs that use or require our Bachelor or Master’s Degree. Wife has never had a job requiring a Bachelor’s Degree and, as her BA is in Art Photography, she has stated that she does NOT want a job that uses her B.A. Degree. Thus why she is contemplating a second crack at College.

Tied up in all of that is a perpetual issue I notice in most people around my age. Wife is always saying that she doesn’t feel like an adult. Wife is always saying that she doesn’t feel like a Wife. That somehow her mind got stuck at “College” and it has been impossible for her to transition out of it. She doesn’t know what would make her feel like “an adult.” I suggested owning a house? She said that, so far at least, that hasn’t made her feel more like an adult. It is why, I am certain, December 30th was such a good day. We got to host my parents. They came to our HOUSE, we took a walk with the dog around OUR city, we cooked FOR THEM, sat them around OUR table… we did the things that typically “the parents” do. And I think that helped. But we can’t have our parents over for us to serve all the time. At some point, Wife is going to have to simply… embrace life, I think. Embrace “I am an adult and make my own choices” and how… making choices and dealing with the consequences is what makes us adults. Embrace “I am a Wife and that bares with it certain joys and responsibilities” and how… being a Wife just means being in a dedicated, committed, monogamous, romantic, sexual relationship.

But I contemplate that and think… maybe that is why she struggles with Wife Identity… because she wanted to be Wife but didn’t realize what being Wife meant and if she isn’t willing to be a Wife? I need to start working on my own self-esteem more.

But looking into the subject? Not only is the advice sometimes contrary but the advice is sometimes wholly outside of a person. “Learn to accept compliments”, “spend more time with friends and family”, “go out of your way to do nice things for other people” are all very popular pieces of advice on the Self-Esteem forums. But that intrinsically implies things that may simply not be true. “Learn to accept compliments.” That assumes people give you compliments. I don’t know if it is me, my community, or my job but… that isn’t exactly an every week occurrence. “Spend more time with friends and family.” That assumes (1) that friends and family aren’t a part of why your self-esteem may be low and (2) assumes that friends and family are nearby and readily available. “Go out of your way to do nice things for people.” I can’t help but feel like Self-Esteem lists are written exclusively for people in large business office environments in the heart of big cities. First of all, I always try to do nice things for people. Second of all, my best opportunity for something like this is in the gym (because that is where I see the most people) and what am I gonna do? Offer them my towel? Ask if they need a rub down? C’mon.

(Picture is unrelated. Just another way of showing how doing for others translates differently to different people, I guess!)
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All right, with apologies… something happened that is politically significant and personally affecting so the rest of this is going to have to come out in secret, not as accessible ways.

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stargazing January 04, 2019

Weight is such a hard thing. Growing up, my Dad would always make comments about my weight whenever I would eat ice cream or something fattening...and yet at the same time, he would complain when I wouldn't eat what he'd bought for me. I couldn't win. And I'll note that I was a healthy weight back then. I'm now overweight, and I still hear his voice in my head. It's not helpful. Telling someone they are fat does not help at all.

Most people that I know that are my age (43) still don't feel like they aren't adults. I often thought that maybe if I bought a house, that would help. I won't be having kids, so that won't help either, but I have friends who are married, bought the house, and have several kids, and they still don't feel like an adult. I once asked my Mom when she felt like she was an adult, and she said she still doesn't. It used to bother me, but I've decided to let it go. If my Mom, at age 71, doesn't feel like an adult, why am I upset by the fact that I don't either?

If your friends and family are part of the reason why you don't feel good about yourself, then you need new people in your life. You can always make new friends. It isn't easy. In fact, I haven't done it yet, but I recognize that it is within my control. And as for doing nice things for doesn't need to be big. You can buy coffee for the person in line behind you. You can let someone cut in front of you in line. Do/say something nice for someone at work. Do something nice for your wife. I don't leave my house often since I work from home...really, just on the weekends to get food...but there are always opportunities if you look for them.

Perpetually Plump January 07, 2019

Why do you let other people control your self esteem? It's your self esteem, and you should take responsibility for it!
I used to be fat. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, in fact. I'd be fat and my grandma would make comments about my weight. She'd ask me if I was pregnant or just fat. If I lost weight, people would say I was getting too skinny. And don't lose anymore weight or else I won't look good. Or my fave was too thin. Welp, fuck em all. I lost 110 lbs. (Although, per my bmi, I am overweight. Except I am most definitely not.) I wear a size small in tops and a size 6 in pants. People say all sorts of horrible things to me about me being skinny, but they can all fuck off, because they are the same people who would gloat in me being a fat ass again. People are inherently jealous and don't want to see others do better, I think. And those are the ones who tell you you're too thin and then too fat. Can't ever be perfect and certainly can't please em all! So, fuck em.

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