1.) Part man, part wind instrument, all cop. OBOECOP.
2.) I’ve always found it interesting how people are all like “the original gray Hulk was supposed to look like the movie version of Frankenstein” but Captain America was the one found in the frozen wastes where the book Frankenstein ended.
3.) Hope, kept fair and kind by compassion, kept humane and honest by compassion, kept grounded by compassion. Compassion, renewed when exhausted by hope, illuminated in darkness by hope. Compassion and hope.
4.) How about a God neither cruel nor absent nor perfectly loving? What about a God trying Her best but stumbles like you, too proud to directly admit mistakes but inside begging to be forgiven like you? I could almost grok a God who asked ME for forgiveness instead.
5.) The main advantage to being a bee-themed superhero or supervillain is getting to call your lair “The Honeycomb Hideout”.
6.) QVC, how can you get your New Years sale so wrong, to call it “Happy New You”? The obvious pun is on the you/new rhyme and you call it “Happy You Year!” Jesus, why wasn’t I consulted?
7.) Remsen could have a St. Patrick’s Day version of BarnFest called BlarnFest except that, of course, in March Remsen is only accessable by dog-sled.
8.) A Silver Surfer/Ms. Marvel crossover called HERALD & KAMALA GO TO WHITE CASTLE. Somewhere along the way, they pick up Doctor Horrible. Fight me.
9.) New from Discordian Motors, the Fnord Fnarlane.
10.) In Spanish “Sid And Nancy” means “Yes, Dan. Nancy.”
11.) 83% of the time a white dude is called “Trey” it’s because he’s a “the Third” in a WASP-y rich family and is trying to dodge his true calling insofaras inheriting his father’s BMW dealership.
12.) Shotgun Formation in football in boring. Shogun Formation, where the quarterback mystically becomes a samurai and starts attacking linebackers with his katana, it’s just a lot cooler.
13.) If I ever see a tractor trailer shipping Quaker cereal, I’m gonna match speeds with the driver and yell “HAULIN’ OATS!” at her or him until such time as my witty pun is acknowledged.
14.) A bluegrass festival held on a space station called AUSTIN CITY UNLIMITED.
15.) Maybe I’ve subconsciously undermined myself because success would mean taking on responsibilities that scare me. I’m open to the idea but I’m not sure.
16.) I’m on this planet to woo ladies and make puns so, sadly, the puns are going to continue for the foreseeable future.
17.) Someone asked “What if we took the Grateful Dead and made them REALLY PRETENTIOUS?” and “Phish!” was the answer. And it was profitable.
18.) If there’s any justice in the world, those poor kids in the child concentration camps at the border will grow up to have superpowers and we’ll have to deal with like 1,000 Magnetos avenging this sin in 20 years. And we’ll deserve it.
19.) Slaw and Hors D’Oeuvres: Special Vittles Unit
20.) At the Beatles Cafe, they call the onion rings “Ring O’Starch”.
21.) Llama Mia, Here We Go Again, My My, You’re A Goddamn Llama
22.) Louis C.K. left with the choice of quietly accepting his fate out of the limelight but very rich or leaning into his identity as a cruel bastard because that’s the only market left for him, so as to be famous again, took the Dennis Miller option.
23.) An ad for AAA staring Henry Winkler and his two fellow triplet brothers, Benry and Menry Winkler, that ends with each of them saying “Ayyyyyyyyy!” in quick succession.
24.) After wordlessly accepting his Monk Of The Year award (at the Monkies) he took a bow of silence.
25.) She couldn’t bring her emotional support lizard because it was a no-frills airline.
26.) It’s luggage that’s totally covered in that stuff they made mood rings from. It’s called “emotional baggage”.
27.) In Britain, would a brain sausage be a head-banger?
28.) If I started a fight club in Brattleboro Vermont, I’d call it BATTLEBORO and I’d make the first rule of Battleboro that you have to talk about Batttleboro because I’d be so proud of the pun.
29.) Today we get e-mail from Nigerian princes looking for help with inheritances and we call it “spam” but 600 years ago it was owl-bourne scrolls from British princes and we called it “chain mail”.
30.) Honestly? 2018 beat me into the ground. I lost almost more than I could take & many around me did as well. I pushed through I got up I kept going but I leave this year battered. 2019, you owe me. Let’s kick ass this time instead of getting our asses kicked.
31.) No matter how careful you were, foreplay activities with Mac Tonight and his terrifying moon-chin would be perilous at best.
32.) Matt Damon gets bonked on the head and believes himself to be a humble Swedish fisherman in THE BJORN IDENTITY.
33.) Scully was hoping for a Majestic-12 but Mulder gave her a Majestic-5 at best.
34.) People dismissing Senator Warren’s 2020 candidacy and it isn’t even 2019 yet but the far-left says it isn’t sexist. rolls eyes
35.) Gym. A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.
36.) All these people wanna vote for Great-Grandpa Big Promises, nobody wants to vote for Grandma Achievable Goals. Do you want Trumps? Because that’s how you get Trumps. THAT’S HOW WE GOT TRUMPS. Jeeeeeesus Christ.
37.) Ollie, being at least part french poodle, when he stands up I call it “The Arf-ful Tower”.
38.) They subjected the captives to THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, not so much as a torture, more a show of force.
39.) Yeah, Slim Whitman’s cool. But do you know what’s REALLY cool? FAT Whitman.
40.) If it eats your sins, yeah, that’ll feel nice for a while but it’ll come for your joys too. And then everything else. Better to come to terms with who you’ve been and what you are than to be hollowed out entirely.
41.) Damn “Dr. Pimple Popper” marathon on New Years Eve without a bunch of promos about champagne corks being popped? Another reason I should always be consulted first.
42.) “Taxslayer Gator” doesn’t sound like a bowl game, it sounds like Ayn Rand’s failed attempt at a (750 page) children’s book. For the love of God, college football consolation bowls, give it up. If it isn’t a playoff, no one but the gamblers care.
43.) The characters in GREASE probably would’ve been incredibly racist toward characters actually from Greece.
44.) The Creature From The Black Lagoon and her suspiciously-not-much-younger daughter troll the Okefenokee Swamp for dudes in THE MOREGILL GIRLS.
45.) Before making it big as a rock star, Tom Petty made ends meet donating to a sperm bank. The day they stopped paying him inspired his later hit song “Don’t Come Around Here No More”.
46.) The older you get, the more you realize that Eddie Valiant’s girlfriend was sneaky-cute and a lot more attractive than Jessica Rabbit.
47.) The ninth rule of Fight Club is no weapons, you can’t fight with a club in Fight Club.
48.) Today I finally realized exactly what gin tastes like, gin tastes like throwing up a Christmas tree but in reverse. Why. Why did you do this, England? Why did you create this Worst Thing?
49.) I like to think that in Italian “Alice” her sassy friend was named Firenze and her catchphrase was “bacia la mia polenta!”
50.) I love it when Brits talk about how things are in Europe, as if they aren’t like thirty feet off the coast of Europe. Really swole people can swim to France from there, don’t play.
51.) Why doesn’t PBS air Oscar Grouch’s New Years Rotten Eve?
52.) Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest may technically be separate entities but they were both cloned from the same scrapings.
53.) The ball having dropped in Times Square, now begins the four-hour countdown until the people who were in Times Square can get to an unoccupied toilet.
54.) Jenny McCarthy’s new years resolution is to kill 2,019 children by talking their moms out of vaccinating them in 2019.
55.) New Years sunglasses look 33% less stupid when there are actually two zeros in them so LOOK OUT 2020!
56.) SPOILER: Katy Perry has never in her life felt like a paper bag.
57.) In the universe where you held off on buying “Achy Breaky Heart” as a cassingle, Miley Cyrus grew up to be a healthy well-adjusted sociology professor at a community college in Tennessee.
58.) Frank Sinatra, skydiving for the first time, yelling “I REGRET… AH, IT’S NOT WORTH MENTIONINGGGGGGGGGGGG!”
59.) Hey, at least now you don’t have to worry about putting the wrong year on your checks for the first few weeks in 2019 because (a.) we use checks a lot less now and (b.) we are all broke as hell.
60.) I just want someone to love me as much as the guy from the Mountain Goats hates his step-father.
61.) Giada DeLaurentis says Italian words like she is suddenly passing a kidney stone in the middle of a sentence. “And then we just add a little MARRRR-SKA-POOOOONE cheese.”
62.) Grimace once had four arms, Oscar the Grouch debuted in orange, the world didn’t start on the day that you were born.
63.) Unless you woke up under the bed, congratulations, you woke up on the right side of the best. If you did wake up underneath the bed, you’ve probably got bigger problems to deal with than just a foul mood.
64.) It’s convenient that the same people telling you “it’s only money” are the same ones charging 70% interest in their credit card ads.
65.) They say if you smell burnt toast, you’re having a stroke. I keep smelling mall pretzels and I have no earthly idea what that means other than the fact I’ve been on a low-carb diet far too long.
66.) A kickstarter to get Michael Dorn to put shoes on his knees and film WORF ON GOLF.
67.) In the military, MRE means Meal Ready-to-Eat. On social media, it means Meme Ready-to-Erase.
68.) At some point, Joan Rivers must have accidentally said “CAN WE TALK?” to a person who was mute and just ruined that person’s day.
69.) This cold and bitter rain, on a blustery New Years Day, the winter never came, no snow to hide the past wounds for a while, to let us soothe our sick or mend our lame, just another hard hard rain and here it comes again.
70.) REAL TALK: Louie CK was an over-rated navel-gazer that people who thought themselves “deep thinkers” more identified with than found funny, long before the mainstream knew him a creep or his hard-right Dennis Miller deathspiral.
71.) REAL TALK: Bitcoin, all cryptocurrency, was always just a pyramid scheme with a technolibertarian sheen slapped on top to milk the rubes. Tupperware with server farms instead of mom parties. Amway with coding. Avon for dark-web drug deals.
72.) If your regional identity is shaped by a mediocre fast food chain, consider holding your regional identity in less regard. I’m looking at you, The South & Chik Fil-A, Los Angeles & In-N-Out, New England & Dunkin Donuts, Canada & Tim Hortons, etc.
73.) Before the invention of the X-Acto knife, its creator first tinkered with the M-Precise knife and then the N-Accurate knife.
74.) After we run out of trees the magazine PEOPLE will, ironically enough, be made out of soylent green.
75.) Today I realized that we are living through the Toonces The Driving Cat of presidencies. Yes, you can technically put him behind the wheel but it could only end in disaster.
76.) DIE HARD is action schlock that people pretend to be a Christmas movie thinking they’re clever about a bunch of thieves that pretend to be terrorists thinking they’re clever. The symmetry.
77.) Did Shaq-Fu involve the line “Shaolin Dunk”?
78.) By far, the best mash-up of a porn star and a cult leader is L. Ron Jeremy.
79.) Ethel Merman was neither aquatic nor male. She was a land-based singing lady.
80.) We either die Bill Hicks or live long enough to see ourselves become Dennis Miller.
81.) Get a vest in the colour of the store you’re at (Target Red, Best Buy Blue, Wal-Mart Eternal Despair, whatever) and a name tag that says “I Don’t Work Here, It’s Just A Vest”. Enjoy the rest of your day messing with people.
82.) For bad chefs, ignorance is blintz.
83.) One of the best parts about New Years on social media is someone posting “it’s just an arbitrary change of the calendar, you guys” who two days earlier unironically pulled a “oh my God, I am SUCH an Aries, you guys”.
84.) Oh, Trump, literally busting out the “calm down and enjoy the ride” line that all selfish unskilled quick-trigger lovers do before hopping on for 75 seconds. Somehow the guy has figured out how to dip into negative levels of self-awareness.
85.) How did Kiefer Sutherland not name one of his kids Kiefest Sutherland?
86.) If you yell “Oreo!” over and over, eventually it sounds like trying to sing the theme to TAILSPIN drunk.
87.) If Tik Tok isn’t in reference to the minor Wizard of Oz character, count me out.
88.) A distant finale to the Disney Cartoon Universe where it turns out Goofy was actually intelligent and coordinated, it was all a con to throw us off his horrible unspeakable crimes, kind of a USUAL SUSPECTS deal.
89.) I’ll give THE ORVILLE a chance only if he promises to stop making FAMILY GUY, AMERICAN DAD, THE CLEVELAND SHOW and REALLY STUPID ALBUMS OF POP STANDARDS.
90.) Took a holiday nap and had a dream about watching a Superman movie that wouldn’t end, that followed his immortal life down through the eons until he traveled back in time and accidentally became God. My dreams are weird.
91.) Saw a commercial with an ad for an acne medication “prescription-strength retinoids” and imagined them as zit fighting robots.
92.) I can’t believe they settled on “Utahn” as the collective for people from Utah. Should’a gone with “Utor”, you could’ve sounded like a kickass barbarian. “Where you from?” “I AM UTOR!”
93.) Whenever a word has multiple accent marks in it, I interpret them as eyebrows or facial hair and decide what kind of mood the word is in.
94.) They never miss leg day in Quad Cities.
95.) When the naturopaths take over The Home Depot, they’ll start selling essential awls.
96.) The most pretentious comic book ever would be called CRISIS ON INFINITE JEST.
97.) At some point, a scientist miscalculated temperatures by using the wrong scale, yelled “KELLLLLL-VIN!” and every one in the room made Chipmunks jokes the whole rest of the day.
98.) If the next Avengers movie ends up over three hours, I hope there are lots of reviews with the headline “INFINITY WAR AND PEACE”.
99.) If the next Jurassic Park is really bad, I hope there are lots of reviews with the headline “Dino-SNORE”.
100.) Egoists build towers, saints build bridges, cowards build walls.