13 Seconds in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

  • Jan. 1, 2019, 12:58 p.m.
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Briefly:

Yesterday (December 30th) was an almost perfect day. Joy, family, and accomplishment. Hell, the only way it could have been any better is if my wife deigned to interact in an affectionate manner with me!

Today (December 31st) was an almost terrible day. Isolated, alone, and pathetic. Hell, the only way it could have been any worse is if I had actively tried to masturbate and failed miserably.

What separates these two days?

Day 1: Wife, Parents, and Dog all working to make things look functional in my little home.
Day 2: Wife rejecting me in every way saying “we can spend time together next year” and actively demonstrating that she finds me “tolerable at best.”

But here’s what I really realized.... what gripped me as we transition into the new year:

My life is almost perfect! (Comparatively). House, Job, Location.... all of that is better than I could ever have imagined.
And wife? I find that I still love her. I’m still amazed by her, at times. I still find myself stopping to appreciate the little things. I’m still driven wild by her appearance. In so many ways: perfection.

But here’s the humor:

Our non-existent sex life has me feeling the two worse things that I can.
I’m enraged and sorrowful.
But as this is something I’ve talked about with her and here until I’m blue in the blue in the face… there isn’t much reason to blow up on her. So I sit… acknowledging an almost perfect life but for the involuntarily celibate nature of my marriage which has accumulated into (no exaggeration) almost an average of sex once per year at best for the entire marriage.

So… in order to not yell at her or cry or break down over something that SERIOUSLY DEEPLY DISTURBS ME… I drink. Which Wife uses to yell at me and tell me how I’m failing by drinking.

So… I have an almost perfect life… BUT FOR a wife that has any sexual interest in me.

I get it. This is a shitty last entry of the year. It is an old, over discussed issue. This is the same issue that brought me to writing in the first place 5 years ago.

But… seriously… 30th was almost perfect. It was “Life as I have always wanted” even Wife as she engaged my parents, the family dog, cooked dinner, and just… it was an almost perfect night. Brought to an end with a “Don’t touch me” and Wife sleeping in another room “due to my snoring.”

I just…

it feels like....

so close. I’ve worked my entire life to get to this point. To find the RIGHT job, the RIGHT community, the RIGHT house… and the wife??? I love her. I am attracted to her. The specific unique things that make her HER bring me joy. The fact that she is literally keeping a Plot Journal for her favorite pod cast? The fact that she gets so wrapped up into the lives of fictional characters? Her personality, her spirit… I love HER. I’m attracted to HER. But… celibacy is really wearing thin. Very, very thin.

I don’t want to be enraged and sorrowful about my marriage. But, after this many years? I have begun to accept that such feelings aren’t an indication of my spiritual failing or personal shortcoming. A marriage is supposed to involve physical affection, personal compassion, and fucking intimacy. And the fact that so much of my life is “right” but that portion isn’t just “not right” but “completely fucking lacking?”

I am giving myself permission to feel those feelings. I am giving myself permission to understand those feelings. And I am disappointed that those feelings are understandable.

Here is how I end 2018.
Happy about my career.
Happy about my location.
Enraged and sorrowful about my marriage.
Terrified and furious about my government.

There we are.

Lustful Dreams and Profitable Schemes to you all for 2019!!


Always Laughing January 01, 2019

I hope your 2019 brings your more happiness and a resolution whatever it may be with your marriage.

stargazing January 02, 2019

Drinking doesn't solve any problems. It doesn't make you feel any better and brings on more problems if you continue to use that to "cope." I'd hate to see you go down a road that is difficult to come back from.

Park Row Fallout stargazing ⋅ January 03, 2019

100% agree. It is a big reason why we started counseling in July and a big reason why I'm pushing so hard this month for counseling to cover the "Here's the truth of shit". Because I can try to keep burying stuff, try to keep soldiering on... but at the end of the day, that isn't helping anyone and it contributes to self-destructive habits.

stargazing Park Row Fallout ⋅ January 04, 2019

My Uncle is an alcoholic, so I have to make a very deliberate decision to not drink when I'm upset or feeling down. I'll only allow myself to have a drink if I'm out to dinner with friends/family, and then I limit it to 2. I don't want to go down that road.

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