2018 in review in just testing

Jan

Started the new year with a stomach bug.

Valentine started getting sick as well – they thought hyperthyroidism but it turned out to be gum disease. She hardly has any teeth left.

I was on WW online but pms/hormones/will/stress/food addiction made me quit pretty quick. I guess a few months.

I finally cut ties with my old job. I thought we could remain friends even though I quit but I guess not. They’re not interested and it was kinda sad for me.

I remember it being very cold jan with snow days.

Emma turned 3 this month – she didn’t really understand “birthday” but liked the presents and the Elsa nail salon party with her cousins.

Due to being made permanent at my job I took Will onto my health care which made that bill cheaper for him.

We lost a few people on my team but got a new person. Unfortunately she left in 2 months, while I was in the middle of learning my new role I got all her responsibilities back.

I believe I do get seasonal depression, which started mid-January until I guess March.

I fought with Will over chores, I’m not his maid…

I started making my Christmas ornaments this month.

Feb

This month was also very cold and me and Will had our annual fight over the heat.

With my team losing people I was beginning to be stressed and at the end of the month was the first time I let them know I was overwhelmed/rushed and making mistakes.

OD came back and I thought I was gonna go but didn’t. I did read some entries from me from 15 yrs ago and it seemed like a stranger was writing it.

By the end of Feb temps picked up and I started walking in the park.

Still making ornaments.

March

More lays offs at my job. More work for me. I started coming in early and staying late. I again emailed my manager about being overwhelmed and making more mistakes. Que crying in the bathroom.

Mother Nature was crazy. We’d get a foot of snow then 50 degree weather would melt it so I was still walking in the park.

I dropped and broke my glasses, which lead to a fight with Will cause glasses are expensive…

Also fights with my mom this month over my sister and Emma issues

AND fight with my sis cause she “rented” baby chicks for Emma for Easter. She’s already killed fish, lizards, hedgehog, frogs, all due to simply not having time to care for them and I didn’t think renting chicks was ethical or responsible.

Still making ornaments

April

Mother Nature was still going crazy. We’d go from 80s to 40s.

I forgave Shauna this month. I met with her. She got lap band surgery. I only saw her once – she’s probably a skinny mini now, I’m jealous.

I’m still mentioning to my job that I’m overwhelmed and making mistakes. Still coming in early and staying late . They seem to be appreciative of my honesty and understand where I’m coming from but NOTHING changes. I finally started Job hunting. I also contacted my HR and asked for another person to be added to the tem. HR told me to go above my manager to my director. My director didn’t give a … and did not add another person.

HR said I could apply for other positions within the company but I didn’t want to overload my team by leaving so I didn’t apply. I did told my teammates all this and they agreed to take on more of my responsibilities (even though they are already busy)

I quit ww officially because unofficially I had not been eating on point for a month (stress), but I was still walking in the park.

I went to Holi color festival, which was SO FUN!

I had a fight with Will because I asked him to help me with electronics and he said ask google. I know that google has all the answers but he’s my husband and he knows how to do things so why won’t he help me?

Still making ornaments

May

I had a fight with Will because my mom called us irresponsible for having 6 cats and he completely started bashing her. It wasn’t right.

Work got even more stressful because they shortened due dates and gave me a new large project. So I was still coming in early and staying late – 12 hour days.

We finally went on our cruise and agree it was our last cruise so we could save for house.

I was afraid to return to work after cruise. My team took care of my work but every one of them needed OT to do what I was doing in my 60 hour week. We need another person on the team but that’s not happening. Still overwhelmed and making mistakes Started having trouble sleeping/bad dreams. Still Job hunting.

Still walking in the park but weight keeps climbing.

Still making ornaments

June

Work got EVEN More stressful because they took away OT.

My manager keeps giving away my responsibilities to my co workers to help me out and then when they complain they come right back to me. We need another person on the team but that’s not happening. Still coming in early and staying late without OT because I can’t get my work done otherwise and I’m still rushing and making mistakes!

This month I had a very bad day where my company let me know they were finally tired of my mistakes. They let me know they were going to start (unofficially) monitoring my work more closely. I asked HR to move me somewhere, ANYWHERE – HR said no. Everyone is overwhelmed at work sometimes and that’s not a reason to change positions. What will I do when that position becomes overwhelming too?

I also learned my client only signed a 6 mo contract and may not stay with us in 2019.

I told Will I might get fired over my mistakes or the client leaving altogether. Will (in his typical supportive fashion) says if I change jobs we’re not getting a house due to my unstable employment habits.

Will also said he doesn’t want a house in NJ and we have to look in PA. Still Job hunting, now in PA as well.

Mom’s not very supportive on the house front either.

Stress is making me and Will have small spats that are not even worth explaining. He had a hair trigger in those days.

Still walking in the park and Me and will started a low carb diet/shake/smoothie kinda diet.

Emma’s worse injury to date was this month. She fell on concrete and we needed 3 people to hold her down and tweezer out tiny rocks in her hands and knees. Very traumatic on us all but had to be done. Emma also had her first dance recital and it was really cute.

I started learning how to TNR cats and started a GoFundMe.

My mom said (in her typical supportive fashion) if I use my car to TNR cats I will get fleas and will not be allowed to see Emma anymore. We actually had a fight in the grocery store where I yelled at her to “shut her mouth” in front of strangers. Good times…

Still having trouble sleeping/bad dreams.

Still making ornaments.

July

I decided to stop coming in early without OT no matter the consequences. I had been depressed for months and couldn’t take it anymore. I talked to my manager about STILL feeling overwhelmed, still making mistakes – but it was just an FYI since nothing changes.

I was still Job hunting, now with a focus on animals.

I TNR’d my first cat – actually a family of cats. A momma and 4 kitens. Then I started thinking about selling ornaments for TNR purposes.

Oreo got sick that month and stopped eating. I had to hand feed him in the closet or he wouldn’t eat at all. He lost 5lbs in less than a month.

August

A co worker left on a 3 week vaca and I got her work as well. Still Job hunting with a focus on animals. My mind year review happened and my “score” had lowered since the winter review (of course).

I joined Planet Fitness with 2 friends. Will did say he would renew his efforts and go as well cause he’s had a memebership forever but that never panned out.

I also tried intermittent fasting for a very short while. It didn’t work out.

Lots of back and forth at the vet with Oreo. Xrays, sonograms, meds, etc. It was over $1300 for them to rule out thyroid stuff, diabetes, a blockage, and cancer. Basically all they’re diagnosing him with is kitty IBS, which is unexplained inflammation in his gut. There are inflammation meds that he will now be on for life – and an only wet food diet. I didn’t TNR this month because I didn’t have any spare cash after Oreo’s bills.

Me and Will had a fight about me not keeping up with the laundry while I’m depressed about my job, my weight (STRESS EATING), house hunting, and my cat potentially dying. We decided to stop looking for houses until we had a decent amount of money saved up.

I got word that my client IS officially leaving the company in 2019 and my company promised to place everyone somewhere else within the company. I was the only one happy about this news. I even saw my manager job searching on her lap top at work! I guess since the news about my client leaving in 2019 got everyone worried.

Still making ornaments.

Sept

HR/manager let me know they were going to start officially monitoring my work more closely. I was close to being fired by 2019. How would Will react if I got fired? I was still Job hunting with a focus on animals.

I wrote an entry about “ending it all”. Yeap after 9 months of all this, that’s where my head was at.

I started developed a crush on a coworker – I can only imagine this was a distraction to all my other stressors. Feeling rejected and Looking for attention… I’m married so it’s going nowhere.

Then Will tripped in a pot hole in our parking lot. He bruised his chest/ribs and got scraped up but thank God he wasn’t severely hurt.

We had a fight over Will always bringing home bad food for me. I’m not going to planet fitness as much as I should.

My original plan was to go 3 days a week. It’s more like to 2 days and we (me and my one friend) don’t push very hard.

I got back into TNR’ing. People are treating me like a hero over this. I don’t like the attention but I am proud of myself. Then I had to put down one of the cats I TNR’d. It was very expensive and very sad.

Work is finally starting to die down now that the client is leaving. Thank God.

I started following tarot card readers on you tube. I’m still following a few to this day. They really do help keep up my hope that everything will be ok.

Still making ornaments.

Oct

The new vendor is starting to take over the client and there is a lot of confusion but I am happy to LET GO. Just need to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. I made another mistake and actually packed my desk. I was sure I was fired This time but it all got resolved. Still Job hunting with a focus on animals.

I got the idea to spice up my bedroom. When I showed Will he had a stomach ache that day and nothing ever happened.

Still tinkering with Oreos meds. He’s not out of the woods yet.

Me and Will had a MAJOR fight when he tried to start vaping. A knock down drag out fight that rehashed every single one of our flaws. It was really bad. But with the therapist help he got over it. He was just looking for something new I guess. Maybe like my crush. He didn’t realize how bad a habit it was and he didn’t like me restricting his choices.

In the end his vaping isn’t even the biggest issues. It’s how he fights. How he reacts to resistance. We’re still working on this. I got a stomach bug right after this fight – unless it was stress related. Who knows.

I’m lacking on planet fitness. We go like 1 day week mainly due to one of my friends being sick with migraines and the other being way more over weight than me and not being able to handle the gym even though we weren’t pushing hard. She was usually very sore or injured the next day and needed more recovery time than me and I didn’t want to go alone so I would wait for her.

Still making ornaments.

Nov

Manager/HR tell me they’ve noticed an improvement (OF COURSE NOW THAT THE CLIENT IS LEAVING) and I’m no longer at high risk for losing my job. I got the news my job wanted to keep me but lower my pay. In the end that didn’t happen but it was a stressful time. I was still Job hunting with a focus on animals.

Still tinkering with Oreos meds. He’s not out of the woods yet. I also started giving the meds to valentine who also has inflammation but in her mouth and has been drooling all year. When I took her to the vet in the beginning of the year the doc basically made it seem like this is what happens to old cats and didn’t suggest any meds. There meds have improved her mouth issues a lot. The doc doesn’t know I’m sharing oreo’s meds with Valentine I’m sure she’s but she drools a lot less so I’m happy I made the decision!

I’m barely going to planet fitness now that it’s cold. No one wants to go to the gym at 5am in the cold, including me.

Still making ornaments.

Dec

Still making ornaments and I put them on FB market place and made a website to sell them on. No real luck yet. Still stalling about putting them on etsy. I’m afraid of failure, plus who’s buying Christmas ornaments after Christmas? Thinking about selling them in person at craft fairs in the spring.

But I may start to make magnets now until Christmas season again.

I’m not job searching as hard anymore. I’ve started working with my new team and I like so many things will be better and I don’t need to leave.

I got a few months free of a WW membership but I’m already messing it up. I’m thinking canceling planet fitness. We never go. I kinda regretting giving up kickboxing last year but I don’t have faith that I can stick to anything so I don’t know if I want to start paying for another gym.

Me and Will fought recently because Will sprung it on me that he’s not saving for a house anymore. Just like that, OUR plans are destroyed because of HIS choice. He says we’ll never save enough and even if we do he’s not gonna outlive a 30 year mortgage. I am very tired of his negativity and lack of support. We are having a double session with the therapist to hash this out.

I’m trying to be grateful for my job, body, and family just as they are.

Future Goals

I’m gonna take over the pseg bill so I can put the heat on WHATEVER I want this winter. I hope this stops any heat related fights.

I’m not going to include Will in my family plans anymore. It annoys me when I force him to go and he acts completely uninterested and stays in his phone. He says he’s intimidated by my family anyway. I’m not mad, I’m just done.

I’m going to stand up for myself every single time he yells going forward. I am determined to break this pattern.

As far as diet an exercise. I really don’t know. Will bought me a cruise for Christmas. It’s scheduled for Sept. I’d like to lose weight by then, but I want to lose weight every year and I don’t so… that’s that.

There’s my year in review. I remember after leaving the school and getting this job and then being made permanent that 2018 was going to be MY year. Lets hope 2019 goes a little better…

Last updated December 29, 2018