MC and PI in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

  • Dec. 24, 2018, 11:51 p.m.
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A genuine and enthusiastic Merry Christmas to all.

I genuinely hope you are all doing well and enjoying the day.

I have realized a strong and unfortunate massive personal flaw.

I completely lack an inner sense of validation.

Without external voices, I have no inner voice saying “Good Job” or “You’re enough” or even “You’re okay.”

So notes. Emails. Feedback, etc… make TOO MUCH of a difference. I mean… I need a voice from outside to tell me that I am not some globular, morbidly obese, atrocious example of a half-man. I shouldn’t but… I do.

I would prefer if my wife didn’t make me feel like a fat ugly person. I would prefer if the world didn’t make me feel lonely so often.

Perhaps a shitty Christmas Message but certainly something I’m feeling right now.


Amaryllis December 25, 2018

I agree, I think this is one of your biggest issues. Recognizing it is MASSIVE progress. Hang in there, you are doing the things you need to do. Merry Christmas.

Perpetually Plump December 25, 2018

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal! I struggled mightily with self esteem for a long time. A friend of mine once asked me if there was anything about myself that I like. I looked at her for a long while and said, "no. I pretty much hate every part of myself." that was when I started with daily affirmations. It's definitely been a long journey!

Park Row Fallout Perpetually Plump ⋅ December 27, 2018

Merry Christmas and have a wonderful new year!
Daily Affirmations could be a good idea. Especially on days where I know I'll lose a case or when I'm fighting both Perp and Victim. That is the one thing about the Prosecutor side. In Defense, I rarely believed that my client was truly innocent of the crime, so if I lost... no harm, no foul in some ways. But in this side of things... I feel like a lone voice shouting into the void "Just take responsibility for your actions." Don't get me wrong... still love the job... but every job has its little things that make certain days harder.

Purple Dawn December 25, 2018

Merry Christmas!

Park Row Fallout Purple Dawn ⋅ December 27, 2018

Merry Christmas and happy new year!!!

woman in the moon December 25, 2018

One thing about you that you recognize is that you are very intelligent. That's probably more important than any of your other strengths/weaknesses. You also have a caring heart. That's right up there too. Maybe if you look for real life evidence of recognition of those things, you will find it. I hope so.

Park Row Fallout woman in the moon ⋅ December 27, 2018

Tee hee... that is one of those validation things. I'm still genuinely surprised when people think I'm smart. I'm too often too quick to simply say, "I'm not smart, I'm well spoken." My own way of thinking, "I'm an idiot, but I can articulate my thoughts... which makes people think I'm smart because instead of 'looks good' I can say 'satisfactory." But the more I experience communities outside of where I grew up the more I realize that such a community truly did give me advantages that make me smart and caring... things I am struggling to accept in myself as I suppose I still hopelessly wish this world were a generally more intelligent and caring world.

Always Laughing December 27, 2018

I am the same way...why I ended up with the horrible ex and what I accept the love I think I deserve, but not what I really deserve. I would rather be alone than with someone like your wife telling me everyday how crappy of a person I am. Hugs.

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