empty window in 2018

5:45pm

Well hey, look at that - the save and finish on another platform thing works! I’m impressed =)

Anyway, I did not end up going to the aquarium today. When the client and I talked about it last night he seemed to be giving me an out. Mentioning things about how I’d have to be up early and what not. And I’m not all that ashamed to admit that I gladly took it.

It might have been fun. I maybe should have said yes. But I saved myself the anxiety and an entire day with strangers. I saved myself some money. hah. I wasn’t feeling well this morning anyway. I didn’t even roll out of bed until almost 11am. Just couldn’t find the motivation to move. I was dwelling again. On all the wrong things.

It’s hard not to. I’m trying really very hard to get my head on straight. It’s a work in progress though. It certainly does not happen over night.

Some days it’s hard to accept how great I am and not feel like I am what was wrong with what happened between us. Especially with him seeming to have moved on so quickly…so easily.

I think about not having been good enough and him not liking me enough, but then there are also times when I start to think about the moments that seemed real. Like why would someone storm out of the house after our fatal “argument”? Why would he have tried again after so much time had passed? Why did it feel so real when I looked into his eyes?

Also though that’s probably just me wanting it to have been real. The parts of me that are still in denial. I really do just want some tiny sign to prove that I didn’t imagine the whole damn thing in my head. I wish I could hear him say that it meant some thing to him. Any thing.

Earlier today I was standing around chatting with the cable company because we had an outage and they’re terrible. It’s always such a pain but apparently you have to report it every moment that it goes out so that they can give you credit and I’m not going to let them take my money for their crappy service.

So I’m standing at the couch trying to deal with that moron after like a half hour of bs. I’d just looked outside but after a minute or two walked to the other window to see if the cable guys were still in the street working [at least that’s what it looked like but this dude had zero info about it…]. Glance out and BAM white ford at my mailbox .. of freakin course 🙄 story of my damn life. I knew it was him right away though it had been there long enough already for me not to see anyone get out. Other trucks across the street so I doubted for a second. But once I finished with the moron I stood around watching one guy talking to my nosy neighbour across the street haha and I see someone start walking across the lawn. Yup. Definitely tf. He’s the only one with that wicked beard. Plus you know I’ve spent a lot of time staring at him so I know him even from the back. Heh. 🤷‍♀️ confirmed when he turned around to hop in the truck and take off.
My heart started to race a little. I guess mostly I thought she’d be with him. Like is that her truck? I’ve seen her driving it. Are they sharing a vehicle now? How domestic. Also wtf does it matter to me?!? Ugh!!! Some day…some day it won’t.

I do want to see what she looks like. Out of my own stupid curiosity. Like I hope her ass isn’t nearly as nice as mine. haha. I’m kidding. I hope she’s nice. I bet she’s nice. I’ll stop.

On the plus side, I haven’t shed a single tear since I saw him earlier this afternoon so that’s always very good! I’ll consider that major improvement because the other day I broke down into a terrible mess. …over a guy…pfft. What a joke I’ve become.

But seriously. I’m alright. I’m going to be alright.

I honestly had other stuff to talk about today but then I randomly saw him and it threw me off. It still catches me off guard and I’m learning to not let it. Especially with the rest of these holidays coming up. I’m bound to see him a few more times before the year’s out. But then I’ll go to work and I’ll be too busy to worry about anything. I think this is the first year that I’m actually looking forward to work. Even with all the changes and the potential stress, I think it’ll be good for me to go back. It’ll be just the distraction that I need to forget all of this garbage. To get away from this window of lost hope.

rose.
11:21pm