some day in 2018

December 25, 2018
11:55pm

There are a lot of things I would like to say tonight but I am not sure how well I’ll do with that.

The thoughts are jumbled, crowed around all of the wrong things. I feel so stupid most days. I really want to stop torturing myself with all of this, but I don’t quite know how yet.

I am trying.

But it’s really difficult when he’s literally sitting right outside your house. Like I’m pretty sure his truck is still there right now, at this late hour, or maybe he’s leaving - I just heard car doors. I hope he’s leaving. It hurts me when he’s there; so close yet so far.

I won’t ever contact him again. As much as I wanted to wish him a Merry Christmas today, or have some kind of excuse to start a conversation, I know that that would be the wrong move. It would be a sad, stupid, pathetic move.

It’s funny [in one of those not so funny ways] that life can be such a contradiction. Like I want to let life play itself out and work out the way it’s supposed to but I also hear about how I’m supposed to fight for what I want and not give up. What the hell am I supposed to do then? Let go....or fight?!

Except he’s the only thing I ever fought for and I lost, so I guess that’s my answer right there, huh?

I am having such a difficult time with this. And I am fully aware of how stupid it is. It is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever been apart of. But what the hell can I do about it? I am trying so hard to ignore it, to move on, to forget it was ever a reality that existed. I can’t though. I think about him every morning when I wake up. I think about him every night before I fall asleep. I think about him during any quiet moment of my day. I can’t make it go away no matter how hard I try.

I fully understand how wrong we were for each other but at the same time I cannot deny how incredible he made me feel at the beginning. That’s the feeling I can’t let go of. It’s super cheesy and incredibly lame to say, but he was every thing I had wanted for so long. Or at least all of the things I’d thought I’d wanted. And I’m not one of those girls that gets easily attached to men. I can take ‘em or leave ‘em honestly. He’s literally the only man I ever thought was worth going after.

Look how that turned out..

That’s the worst part for me. The fact that I have literally never felt that way about anyone and then it turns out that all of those feelings were wrong. Like what was the point? Who controls these emotions? And who got it so damned wrong?

Most of my anxiety these days comes from him being with someone else. I don’t even know any details, but my mind finds a way to make them all up anyway.
He got here at like 10 something this morning. I was eating breakfast at the dining room table. Just him and his son. He looked silly in his baseball cap and sunglasses, but then I saw him later when he moved his truck [they parked like wild people on a ranch instead of in this small town neighbourhood] and he’d gotten rid of both those things and of course looked super attractive to me. I hate that. That he’s still so cute - with that beard and that bald head. At least I didn’t have to see him with her though.

I don’t remember what time it was, but maybe like 2 or 3, I’d convinced mom to go for a walk with me. That’s my new thing. Get the exercise while I still have the ability to move. We weren’t gone long [stopped to visit some people who sent us home with food!] but by the time we’d gotten back both him and Lucas were gone. Fine by me. Except some time before 7, when I’d gone out to get cookies from my neighbour, I saw his truck was back. Of course my mind jumped to conclusions. He had to be with her. There’s no way he’d be back with his son. He must have left him with the kid’s mom and picked up the gf to come back over to finish celebrating. What other explanation would there be? heh. I can’t believe how late he stayed here though. Don’t they work tomorrow? Everyone else had already gone.

Sometimes it feels like it’s on purpose. Just to torture me. And I am so not that important but it feels that way to me. Out of all the people in the world that could move in next door and it had to be his brother? Then he turns out to be the one relative of his that visits the most? I mean, come on. Give me a freaken break. I am just barely surviving and nobody even realizes it.

I wish it didn’t hurt so much. I wish I didn’t have to keep coming in here to pour these same thoughts out. I’m so sick of it myself. But it crushes me when I don’t.
I can cry at the drop of a hat. The depression is so real. I don’t know how to make it all go away. I just don’t know how not to feel this way!

Some day it won’t mean so much to me. I keep telling myself that. The memories will fade. One day I won’t remember what it felt like to feel so safe and comfortable with him. I won’t remember so intensely what it was like to have his hand rolling over the top of mine. I won’t hurt so damn much for being rejected by a man that I know never really wanted me.

I cannot wait for that day to arrive. God, I hope it’s soon.

rose.
12:51am