Weird. Destiny. Sex. Diamonds. in Musings

White boys just don’t get me. Thank God I’m with Alex and although he’s a white boy, he knows that I’m not a boy that he has to understand, he’s just like “that’s my babe, don’t disrespect him—you don’t understand him, but that’s why I love him, I don’t understand him”.

I met this fabulous Puerto Rican boy from the island and a Dominican boy that he is dating… Jorge is the Puerto Rican and David is the Dominican.

I was sitting talking to this white guy and I felt like I was defending myself and I was getting frustrated. Jorge was standing at a distance from me and I was holding my crocodile skin Birkin bag between my legs and he interrupted my conversation with the white guy “Sorry, you’re bag is gorgeous. Where’s it from?” He said and I looked at him and saw that he had a fox fur vest and a gorgeous crocodile YSL clutch… generally, I don’t give a fuck about what outfit or what bag you have, but he was very visibly Latino, and don’t think of me as snotty, but Latino’s that I’ve met at these white bitch parties, I’m just a novelty… I was shook… every fancy gay or ‘regular’ party I go to I’m always the only Latino and if I do meet another Latino, they always are just kinda broke… no shade, there’s nothing wrong if you can’t afford what I’m wearing—I sucked a lot of dick to get to where I am…

“Oh. Thanks…” I said sitting deeper into the couch “it’s Hermés” I said putting it next to me.
“You’re name is Andy?” Jorge said smirking and reaching for a handshake.
“Who are you?” I said putting my bag on my lap. This may sound egotistical, but if you know bags and you ask about my bag… my bag is a limited edition bag and it has a 6 figure price, but most bitches don’t know my bag is 300k and if you ask, you’re trying to rob me. The hardware is whitegold, and the belt has diamonds… regular people don’t know that, but if you know, I always become very hesitant and I just hold my bag in my hand hard.
“I’m nobody, I’m Puerto Rican like you Andy” he said as he squeezed in next to me. “I’m not trying to scare you. I just that you’re Boricua and I actually follow you on Instagram and I love your bag. And I love that you’re so Puerto Rican” He said laughing “can I just chill with you? I don’t want your bag” he said laughing and grabbing my knee “I think that you’re family’s farm in Puerto Rico is next to my family’s farm in Puerto Rico” he said. Alex came over to me and grabbed me by my arm and lifted me to him and grabbed my bag. “Babe, you okay?” And Jorge stood up, Super Puerto Rican and nosey, obnoxious “Hi! My name is Jorge!” He said as he grabbed a waiter and whispered something in his ear. Alex was like “hey what’s up? I’m Alexander” he pulled me tight into him.
“I think that Andrés and I might be distant cousins… aren’t you a Maldonado?” Jorge said. And I was stunned… “yeah that’s my family’s name” I said shyly and I was skeptical “you could’ve known that if you follow my Instagram” I said holding on to Alex.
“Yeah, you’re right. But isn’t your Aunt Virgenmina? And Tia Ana’s sin just came back from the army… right?” And I was completely shocked. How the fuck would he know that? I don’t talk about my aunts on Instagram and even if you google me, I don’t have any sort of connection to my family in Puerto Rico. My last name is very weird and it’s an Arabic last name and there is no way he could ever relate me to my mother’s family.

Once I stopped being so skeptical, Jorge told me everything about his family and I know in Thanksgiving everyone treated me like I was a King—like ‘Andy do you want this? How’s the potato salad, is the skin crispy enough on the pernil (pork shoulder)’ and I had my aunts and 2nd and 3rd cousins… and other family that I didn’t know how they were related to me, but Jorge, he’s a part of my blood, he’s my great aunt’s daughter’s daughter’s son from my grandfather’s brother’s side, his wife married into the family and Jorge is related to me but very far removed… our family’s are neighbors in Puerto Rico.
I was mind fucked and I had to call my mom, who called my aunt and she called her husband who knows and her husband called his son who face timed me and he was like “Oh shit Andy?! And Jorge?! Yo I told Tia that you guys would be mad cool with each other cause you’re both fags and equally fucking wealthy prissy jerks!” And I was like “fuck you, I barely know you, watch you’re fucking mouth” he apologized I hung up.

“I know you, I follow you on Instagram ‘cause you’re like insta famous for hair.” He said ” I do makeup and I remember before Doña Carmen died (my grandmother) we use to play in the backyard and everyone use to make fun of you ‘cause you didn’t like being on soil and you had this weird obsession with this black baby chicken who had one foot” once he said that I was like holy shit how small is the world, he’s telling me the truth… there’s absolutely no way that he would know these intimate details of my history without being a part of my family or being around my family.

So then I relaxed and a bottle of champagne came, he immediately whipped out his card and closed the tab. And then I became even more like “oh shit… like he doesn’t even care about money” and then David, his Dominican boyfriend (who by the way was super unattractive, his most attractive feature was his scent)
“Damn you dead look like an Asian-ish version of Doña Carmen. Your nose, I mean yours is longer, your Cupid’s bow, your cheekbones and the way you laugh reminds me of Doña Carmen (my grandmother)” he said as he pulled off his fox fur vest.
I felt kind of like an idiot being afraid of my bag. I put it between us and he just looked at it and smirked “you can touch it, the hardware is white gold and the buckle is full of at least 2.45 carats of diamonds” I said putting the bag on his lap.
“Fuck!” He said as he gently held my bag in his hands “this is why you’re family fucking hates you in Puerto Rico” he said swiping his fingers on the handles of the bag. “It’s crazy that I met you here, now!” He said.
“Bitch, you’re family and everything happens for a reason” I said. “If those bitches hate me back in Puerto Rico, that’s their ducking problem. I was too young to understand a will and that she left the farm to the children of Norma” I said “My brother and my sister are bums and they can’t afford the farm, I’ve only understood that the farm was my family’s like 7 years ago and now I’m able to afford it. Bitches hate me cause they wish to be like me… they wish that Abuela left the land to them, she didn’t even leave the land to one of her 23 kids, she left the land to my mother’s kids… I would hate me too…I’m not the bitch that’s gonna sit back and have people desecrate the house of my ancestors sweat, blood and tears. If you don’t like it, then don’t come on my land—I don’t care how old you are, I will let you know exactly who the fuck I am”
“You sound just like Tia Carmen (my grandmother) she was an asshole just like you, she was ruthless, I mean she didn’t even leave the land to her kids, she left it to her kid’s kids” he said laughing.
“You do coke?” He said “you know how it is being Puerto Rican—if you ain’t doing it your selling it!” He said standing up and grabbing my hand.
“No.” I said “well I do, but not infront of my man” I said looking over to Alex.
“Bitch, you do what you want, I mean where’s your fucking ring, if you’re so worried about him?” He said pulling my left hand “exactly empty!”
I laughed and grabbed my bag, pulled out the ring he gave me to be engaged with him. I pushed Alex, slapped my bag into him and showed him the ring.
Jorge was just mouth opened…
Alex grabbed my bag and half kneeled and laughed, pushing the ring into my left ring finger. And he hugged me.
I wiggles my hand in Jorge’s face and was like “don’t talk too soon, I just don’t wear it out or often depending on my outfit for the day”

“Holy fuck!” Jorge said grabbing my hand. “That fucking sparkle” he said holding my hand into the light of the bar. “Are these blue diamonds?!” He screeched throwing his bag on the ground.
I squatted to pick up his bag. “Yeah! These are blue diamonds, not lab created, actual natural pale blue diamonds, a custom made ring—you think this head and ass is cheap?”
Jorge started jumping in excitement. “No!! You’re fucking lying!!!” He said ripping my hand into him. Alex just furrowed his face and just put my bag into his forearm.
“Bitch I’m not lying. My family in Puerto Rico hates me, because I’m a bad bitch. While they give up their pussy up for bums who beat them, side note I’ll tell you something later, I give myself to niggas who have money, who give me investments and security… taking dick up the ass hurts, so I will get money out of it… yeah Alex is gorgeous, but if he was broke and had no hustle mentality, I wouldn’t be with him, you wanna be broke, you chill with that other bitch who wants to be broke with you. I own a business, I’m not gonna be with a broke nigga… ” I said.
“Wait you own a salon?!?” Jorge said as he held my hand leading me to the bathroom.
“Yeah” I said feeling drunk and feeling like I don’t want to say something to someone who may or may not be my family.
“Wait!?!?” Jorge screeched “you own a fucking salon?! In NYC?!” He said pushing his purse into my hands.
“Yeah....” I said holding his clutch “in Manhattan a premiere blonde salon, it’s worth 3.25 million” I said immediately just regretting the words escaping my mouth.
“FUCK!!!!” Jorge said “shit! Sorry, don’t hold my trashy, cheap YSL clutch!” He said grabbing his purse away from me. “Damn! Can I work with you?!” He said as he and I crammed into the bathroom together.
“Well actually, I’m a partner at the salon, but I am building something else with a talent agent, that encompasses everything about beauty… so if you can give me your card, and show me a portfolio of your work… you’re family, I can put you on the top of my list” I said.
“I don’t have a card Andy!” He exclaimed and pulled out a little bag of coke.
“Oh? You don’t? That’s a problem. If you don’t take yourself seriously, family or not… I’m not going to either, do you at least have a portfolio?” I said as he snorted a bump.
“Yeah I have a website that I post my pictures, but Andy its not like yours, like I haven’t done Vogue, Elle or WWD like you!” He said as he pushed the coke up my nose.
“I don’t give a fuck what magazine you have or have not done… if you are talented, I can fix the presentation” I said grabbing his bag of coke.
“Also why do you have a 2 thousand dollar bag and a 5 thousand dollar fur vest and get cocaine from a guy that uses bags?” I said flicking the bag.
“What you mean?!” He said holding my hands in his…
“Not to be bourgeois, but my cocaine comes in tiny glass vials and my dealer is an architect for some of the most popular modern buildings of NYC… I dont fuck with plastic bags coming from some niggas crotch. What do I look like meeting up with a drug dealer on a corner in the projects with a 300k Hermés bag? If my dealer has a better apartment than me, a better car, a better life than me, that’s a fucking problem…I’m spending money, because I got it, but I will always be wealthier than my coke dealer, he pays monthly rent in some apartment in DUMBO, I’m paying a mortgage on my property” I said as he snorted more cocaine.
“Damn Andy” He said pushing his bag into my hands. “You’re fucking fancy, it just drugs” he said.
“Yeah?” I said pushing his bag of drugs back “it’s drugs, true—but why do you feel like shit after a bag of this shit up your nose?” I said. “My drugs, I can do it all night and I don’t have diarrhea the next morning, my nostrils aren’t burning. This is trash cocaine” I said pulling his bag of coke into a light. “You see how this coke is fluffy? You see how when I put it to the light it’s not an iridescent yellow? It shouldn’t be fluffy and it should look like yellow fish scales. This shit is cut with baby laxatives, cause I wanna take a shit now and I don’t want anymore of that shit, cause it’s from some low-level street dealer and my nostrils are going to be bleeding tomorrow.” I said as I started to make my way out of the bathroom.
“Damn!” Jorge said. “Like do you know you’re beyond cool? Like you’re legit a fucking bad bitch!” He said as he hugged me from behind as I opened the bathroom door.

Alex was waiting for me infront of the bathroom and pushed my bag into my chest “you snorting some shit up your nose Andy?” He said as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
Jorge tried to defend me and lie “no he didn’t do anything!”
“Yeah I snorted some drugs, I’m sorry” I said right after.
“Listen… babe, I don’t care that you do drugs, well I do care, cause I know you use them cause you have an issue and I don’t want you to use them because I want a family with you” Alex said.

“But he wasn’t using anything!” Jorge said.
“Jorge, I don’t lie to my man… I had two bumps and I hate your cocaine and my man knows everything about me, good or bad” I said.
“Listen, I heard you’re related to him from some distant relationship” Alex said stepping over to him “but if you wanna chill with my fiancé, let me tell you something about me and him, there’s no secrets” Alex said. “He’s all I have in this world and I’m a fucked up guy, I lost him once… but once was too many times to loose him, don’t lie to me—I can speak freely baby?” Alex said as he held me into him and David came over.
“Speak your peace Alexander” I said.
“I don’t do lies. You don’t gotta cover for him, cause when he tells me the truth, it makes me distrust you ‘cause I know Andy and I know how he just sways with the wind, You lie to me, you lie to him and lies don’t go well with Andy, especially” Alex said wrapping his arms around me.
“Damn, I’m sorry” Jorge said as David hugged him.
“Jorge don’t be sorry” I said opening my arms to him. “I live my life in simplicity, I don’t lie. If I don’t like something I say it out loud” I said as Jorge hugged me.
“Yeah… he looks complicated and I don’t understand him, but that’s why I love him so much” Alex said kissing the top of my hand. “He’s complicated but he’s so simple to understand, he means what he says and it’s just yes or no” Alex said. Jorge began crying.
“I’m sorry!” Jorge said as David stepped in…
“Yo! what you do to make him cry!?” David yelled as he stepped up to Alex.
“First of all nigga, I don’t know who you are or who you think you are, but let me tell you who I am” I said pushing my bag further up my forearm. “You need to stand down when you speak to my man” I said.
“Stand down?!” He said angrily stepping to me and Alex put his hand between us.
“I’m not the bitch you want to have a problem with. I don’t know you, but Jorge is some distant relative of mine and I will talk to him like family…if you wanna fight— I don’t…don’t try to flash your balls… cause I will go from white gay boy to Polo Ground projects hoodrat and send you to the hospital for a buck 50” I said very calmly.
“You talk a big talk Andy” He said standing infront of me.
“Nigga, fuck with me and there will be 150 stitches on your fucking face and I will walk out here like nothing happened” I said and Jorge held my hand and tried to shush me “Who you think the cops gonna believe?” I said smirking “the Dominican with Jordan’s and a fitted cap? Or the Asian/Latino/White guy who speaks white, with the expensive bag and shoes.
“Yo does he hit you Jorge?” I said as I pushed him off of me.
Jorge stood silent for a while and then, that’s when I realized this dirty piece of shit is exactly how I looked and felt when Alex was abusing me. It was a crashing moment on my memory.
“No” Jorge said “not really Andy” Jorge said.
“Alex call the fucking car now” I said feeling my face filling up with blood and feeling so angry I wanted to cry. “Jorge I just met you today, but you’re coming home with me” I said through gritted teeth holding my tears. I grabbed Jorge by the arm and a weird club light him his face and I realized that he had bruises on his neck.

David ripped me by the wrist and pulled me away from Jorge, and even though Alex was on the phone with the car, he swerved around so fast and slammed David onto a pillar. Arianna Grande Bed was blasting and I just heard Alex say “you’re not worth me going to jail kid, but you touch Andy again I swear on my mother I will make your homicide look like a suicide. You understand?”

Jorge was shaking and crying and I just grabbed his hand and walked down the stairs of the club.

In the car Jorge was just belligerently crying and I could see his cake face. And I cried with him and Alex had his arm around my shoulder.

And then Jorge confessed that David beats the fuck out of him. And then Alex just opens the window.
“Nobody deserves to be abused, Jorge. This comes from a guy who abused Andy and he left me, because I was and I am an animal” and he started crying “I’m lucky I got a second chance with my soulmate, he use to lie to everyone about the bruises on his neck and he just would wear turtleneck shirts in summer” and Alex cried and I cried and Jorge cried.
“I love Alex, but he’s a one in a billion… and still I don’t trust that he’s not going to beat me up” I said crying.
“Babe!” Alex said as he intertwined his fingers into mine. “I’m sorry. I will never loose you again!” He said as Jorge cried on my lap.
“Jorge, I want you to understand that some people are unhappy with themselves, they need to let out aggression and Alex says ‘sorry’ but I forgave him during and after it happened” I said composing myself.
“Alex, Andy is mad cool! You’re an asshole” Jorge said sniffling.
“I am an asshole… Andy knows I’m sorry” he said kissing the top of my palm.
“He is sorry, I never needed ‘sorry’ what you’re existing through now, Alex, that’s not my problem—you can’t forgive yourself, cause I forgave you a long time ago.”

As the car stopped infront of our building we slid out and I just wiped Jorge’s eyes… I had a hooded coat and I just took it off and put it over him so that our doorman wouldn’t see him crying or see the bruises in the harsh lighting.

When we got into the elevator Alex pulled me into him and he just held me… and as he kissed me, I just tasted the salt from his tears rolling down from his eyes. “I love you” He whispered as the blips of the elevator resonated in my ears.

We got to the apartment. Alex took a shower and I stripped into pajamas and gave Jorge pajamas. He didn’t want to change, so I literally pulled his clothing off…

And his chest was bruised as fuck and his back looked like he had a job as a punching bag. I pulled a shirt over him and then ripped off his pants and he had hundreds of tiny slices on the top of his thighs… I’m grateful to the world and the universe that I wasn’t a cutter… He just curled up into a ball on the sofa and Alex came out of the shower and he kissed me hard and hugged me so hard “you’re a wonderful person, you’re so handsome and you don’t even know how absolutely beautiful you are. I’m just going to bed”
I wiggled jorge into pajama pants. I pulled out the sofa bed and led him into the bed… and he cried and cried and I just curled up behind him. I know how embarrassing it is for people to see your shame, seeing my bruises on my body I felt ashamed. Jorge is a super gorgeous man and he can have his pick of gorgeous men and I remember hearing that as I stood with Alex and I still hear it being with Alex… my bruised body was up for everyone’s conversation as if being physically attractive is an advantage and a defense against being abused.

I understand and maybe destiny and the universe placed him in my path so that I can open up and be more trusting like I was… and I need to just cuddle with him as if he was me being hurt and abused by someone who said he loved me.
I know Alex lives in a permanent atonement… I also know that he asks for my forgiveness, not because he doesn’t know I have forgiven him, but because he can’t forgive himself. He’s seeking forgiveness from me because he lacks the ability to own up to his own mistakes, his past haunts him like a permanent ghost and instead of being introspective, he seeking validation from the outside.
I forgive him, I forgave him. My conscience is clean and I choose to be with him because he’s shown me his change… I don’t care what anyone says… but he needs to forgive himself the way I forgave myself for being an idiot, assuming that his abuse was a sick form of love.

Jorge cried to sleep and I fell asleep next to him. I woke up when Alex scooped me into his arms and the sun was out.
“I’m working from home today, but I want you in our bed” he said as I felt like I was levitating being carried to the bedroom.
He laid me softly into the bed and I was fully awake. “Did you just carry me here?” I whispered.
“Yup” He said. “I just need to be with you always baby” he said as he laid between my legs and pulled the covers over us.
“Tresor?” He said kissing my neck “can I make love to you?” He said pressing my hands against his chest.
“Shut up” I giggled.
“Why you laugh, every time,when I want to make love to you?” He said kissing me.
“I dunno babe, it’s just a happy giggle an awkward laugh” I said as he pulled of my pants, he wet his palm with his mouth.
“Oh okay” he said as he slowly pressed himself in me. “This is daddy’s right?” He said as I just felt him pushing in me.
“I’m yours papi” I said feeling myself being stretched apart by him
“My angel” He said as he slowly began thrusting and he kissed me deeply as I felt his throbbing release “I’m sorry babe” he said embarrassed.

“I love you Alexander” I said kissing him, his shoulders, rubbing my hands over his chest. I felt him pull out of me feeling his love milk drip out of me.
We laid in bed making out and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
He woke up and made breakfast at 11:00 as I slept on my stomach side. I heard the jitters of the plates. He placed them down On the floor and he pulled my waist to have my ass stand up.

He just entered me and made me whimper as he pulled me by the neck.
“This is mine” he whispered holding me by the throat against him, pushing my hips into him as he thrusted.
I felt a burning warmth in my body as he kissed my neck, and I just felt a small, delicious death as he kissed my neck.
He placed a towel on the puddle of my love and he held me in his arms.
“You don’t even understand how beautiful you are” he said kissing my forehead. “We have a long life of love ahead of us, I can’t wait to let you know, every single morning for the rest of our lives, how beautiful you are.