NoJoMo... oops in Just Stuff

I’ve never done this before but I totally missed out on it last month due to life so.. I’m gonna post it here and do it all at once. I’m cheating, whoopsie. 🙃

11/01 - What is your dream vacation?
- Italy. The food, the history, the people. A country packed to the brim with so much to do and so much to see. I spent a month there but god, I dream of going back constantly. Italy revived something inside me of when I went as a teenager. Taught me so much about myself that I didn’t know. I’ll go back one day, I’m sure of it!

11/02 - Write a letter to your 14 year old self
- This is hard because 14 year old me started to go through so much shit. I want you to know that you are loved and you are worthy. Life is worth living and although you’re scared right now, things will get better eventually. Learn to trust in yourself. You are smarter than they think, stronger than they will ever be. You have so much resilience in your tiny heart and they will never know or understand. Don’t try to let them. One day you will be free from their clutches and you will grow into the best you that you can be. I love you. You can get through this. Your beauty isn’t measured by the affection of strangers but by the love inside of you. Trust in that. 💖

11/03 - Nobody knows that I…
- Write stories. I’m always worried that they are embarrassing or not good enough. It is hard enough for me to share poetry but short stories are on a whole ‘nother level. I always dream of finishing a masterpiece but I get one idea and drive it into the ground, it never goes anywhere. I’m too much of a perfectionist. I need to just write and let it be. Maybe in the future I’ll take it more seriously.

11/04 - Three things you can’t go without
- My partner (he is my rock), my cats (they are my children), and my phone! It is always attached to my hip and I freak out without it. Typical millenial blah blah.

11/05 - If you could design one room in a house to suit only your needs, what would it look like?
- The ultimate PC gaming room. The best PC, a fuckload of monitors, RGB everything and LED lights. Big enough for LAN parties. Just god, yes. The other day I asked J if there’s any psychologists that game in their free time… if not, I’m going to be the first. When I’m “rich and famous” (lol) I’ll build a huge gaming room for all my friends… or just me cos I’m a huge fuckin’ nerd.

11/06 - What was your favorite childhood toy?
- It’s hard to pick cos I had a lot of toys. I think my soft toys. I had some really cute bears. They stick with me cos I always had them when I fell asleep so it feels like second nature now. 25 years old and I still cuddle a teddy bear at night. Can’t explain the level of comfort it brings me. I’ll be 50 and still cuddling toys, idgaf.

11/07 - If you could instantly become an expert in any subject or activity, what would it be?
- Gaming! Would honestly be a dream to be a pro competitive gamer. It’s fun, you make a lot of money, what’s not to like? Unfortunately I’m pretty poo at most multiplayer games :c

11/08 - Write a letter to someone who believed in you even when you didn’t believe in yourself
- You know… my therapist, M. She always said I could do things and. You weren’t like the other psychs, I felt a real connection to you and it made me want to believe, even if I didn’t really believe. And I went through so much with you. From almost dropping out of uni again, to work drama, to physical pain, to heartbreak… but then triumph, success, achievement. I’ve never experienced accomplishment with a psych before and it has helped me more than words could describe. Thank you. I look forward to all we can accomplish together next year, as well.

11/09 - Who made you feel good this week? Bad?
- My uni teacher gave me a distinction this week and some great feedback, that made me feel fantastic, especially after working so hard. A co-worker made me feel shit because we don’t mesh well together and she finds it hard to work as a team. I like work to be easy going and structured, not stressful and all over the place. At least in retail lol.

11/10 - If you could meet any fictional character, who would it be?
- I wanna say… any of the characters from Dragon Age. The DA universe has my favourite lore out of any game and I’d feel starstruck to be apart of it lol. Or Mass Effect! Liara or Garrus. Any alien basically 🤓

11/11 - My happiest memory is…
- So hard to pick just one. Spending the day at J’s for the first time. We ate pizza, watched movies, cooked a cake and fucked all day. It was one of the best times I’ve ever had with someone I was dating. The first time he said ‘I love you’ and I felt like I had truly found someone special. I still do. I need to remember these moments more when the anxiety gets to me and I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. We have been through so much together. We are here for a reason.

11/12 - Three pet peeves
- Chewing loudly (close your damn mouth), extremely heavy breathing (IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE), and hating cats cos “I’m a dog person!”. How about we enjoy cats AND dogs you asshat. I’m sensitive about cats.

11/13 - What is the quality you most like in a man? In a woman?
- Softness, emotional vulnerability, ability to show sadness just as easy as happiness, loving and caring, empathetic. On a more shallow level, I like beards on dudes and big butts on gals. Give me chubby gents and ladies anyday.

11/14 - You have the freedom to travel to any city or country in the world. Where would you go and why?
- Lol, Italy of course! Because it’s the most romantic place I’ve ever been and I can’t stop thinking about eating pizza three times a day, chain smoking cigarettes and drinking Moscato in a busy Italian restaurant by the sea. Take me the fuck back.

11/15 - In 5 years, I will be… In 10 years, I will be…
- Ahhhhhhhh. In 5 years, I will HOPEFULLY be finished with my undergraduate degree and be a studying provisional psychologist.
- In 10 years, I will be living in Scotland, Melbourne, somewhere where it gets cold; with the love of my life, a dog and a cat and a Volkswagen Beetle. Maybe I’ll also get a tattoo, fuck it.

11/16 - You have an extra $100,000 to give away and you cannot spend it on yourself. What do you do with the money?
- So mean because I could literally pay off my uni debt with that and then go on a holiday with the rest lol. I’d give it to the people in my life and buy them gifts, take them out, give us all an amazing time to get away from real life. It’d be sick.

11/17 - The qualities that make a close friend are…
- HONESTY. It is the reason N and I have stuck it out for so long. Telling the truth even if it hurts initially cos friendships built on lies just fall apart eventually anyway. The ability to have fun but also be raw as fuck. D&M’s are a requirement. And to a degree, empathy!

11/18 - What is your favorite book and why?
- Lolita cos it’s the first real novel I read all the way through. It dealt with a fucked up topic but was written so beautifully and artistically. It’s how I based a lot of my writing off of. I felt connected to a story about a fucked up young girl who deals with the devil himself, even if it’s not told from her standpoint. Always a place in my heart.

11/19 - My favorite memory about my mother is…
- Yikes. Hard to talk about the woman who abused me for most of my child and adolescent years. I know she still “loves” me and I do still care for her but it is hard for me to forgive her for some of the things she said or did. But I do have one memory when I was very young where I sat on her lap, she brushed my hair and sang me a song. She was gentle then. Also when she threatened my bullies in primary school and they never even looked at me again. For all the bad she did, she did teach me how to stand up for myself, and conviction.

11/20 - What would you do if you found a magic wand?
- HARRY POTTER FUCK YEAH. Get me the fuck in on that. Where’s Dumbledore I am OUT. Seeya muggles, I’m off to wizard school and shit.

11/21 - Three things that are most important in life
- Love (for others and yourself), goals (something to keep you driven) and empathy - a genuine care and need to understand or help others. This is what will change the world.

11/22 - What is your best memory from high school? Your worst?
- Best: there are so many tbh. running away from teachers and falling down a hill, laughing our asses off (we still got away). skipping school with N and playing video games all day. making each other laugh during tests and causing the principal to come in (we still laugh about it to this day). making an amazing but awful comic book. drinking for the first time and feeling so grown up. parties that were so innocent and fun. smoking weed in the alleyway next to that house and almost kissing. making friendships that felt like the entire world. holy moly high school was actually pretty fucking cool.
Worst: losing friends, almost having to leave school cos of bullying, depression and shit, teachers that were assholes, getting caught skipping school (not so fun), almost getting beat up by an 18 year old. the problems were much simpler weren’t they?

11/23 - If you could go back in time and change one thing from your past, what would it be?
- I hate this question because i’m trying to move on from regret. but i still wish i could change this. not meeting HIM. not talking to him, blocking him, not letting him come to stay. if i could erase him from my brain and my history, i would. it is embarrassing to me.

11/24 - What are you most thankful for?
- J, my cats, the people that continue to love and support me. i have so much to live for. i just have to believe it myself.

11/25 - What is the the most surprised you’ve ever been?
- i think when my friends bought me a gaming console. I was surprised because i didn’t think anyone would get me anything or that i meant anything to anyone. it felt so good. i felt like i could explode with love. to be fair, they could have bought me a potato and i would have cried lol. i felt so loved.

11/26 - Three things you would do if you weren’t afraid of the consequences
- 1) exercise
2) tell my manager and family and everyone else i dislike to eat shit
3) quit my job and travel the world

11/27 - If you could have dinner with anyone currently alive, who would it be? What would you talk about?
- gaga. i’d tell her how she saved me as a pretty weird, fucked up teenager. i really felt like i didn’t belong until her music and everything she stood for came along. it helped me gain confidence and come out of my shell. i owe her so much.

11/28 - Have you ever been lost?
- literally? yes. i have the worst sense of direction. emotionally? also yes, all the time. don’t know if i’ll ever “”find my way”” 100% but i hold out hope.

11/29 - What is your most vivid memory of the kitchen in your childhood?
- i have so many bad memories growing up in an abusive household but i’ll choose to remember the memories of baking - i used to bake sooo much as a kid i absolutely adored it. i got pretty good at making cake and i used to bake every week or so. i remember making cookies with my best friend and we just sat there eating the batter (we were too young to know how dangerous this was lol) and laughing and watching spongebob. i need to get back into baking.

11/30 - Write a letter to your future self
- DEAR FUTURE ME:
it is so odd to consider a future for yourself when you never lived expecting there to be one. as a teenager, i never thought ahead more than a couple days at a time, never planned, never wanted to do much at all in terms of goals, other than lose weight or get a boyfriend (lol). i never saw a future for myself because i didn’t believe there would be one. i was suicidal and depressed and i never saw myself living beyond 30. there were times i would joke with friends about dying at 25, but looking back i was the only one laughing.
and despite all this, you beat the odds and you got out there and made a name for yourself, your created a future out of nothing and you continued to strive in the face of adversity. so many people wanted you to fail and never expected anything of you. your parents never pushed you to succeed because they never paid attention to the greatness that laid dormant inside of you and the possibilities that would flourish when you finally let them, leaving them behind. they probably aren’t a huge force in your life anymore and to that i say, good riddance and au revoir. don’t mourn their absence because they certainly never mourned yours, for 20 or so years that you lived under their roof. now you are at your greatest potential and if the past is anything to go by, the more you truly allow yourself to be, the more you succeed. you got help by yourself, you got an education by yourself, you made friends that would stick by your side through thick and thin, you found someone who would love your scars and teach you how to be a good person again, you raised two animals who are healthy and happy, you got your own place, you exceeded expectations and for the first time, the future is not an unknown but a vast, open, very real possibility. and based on all evidence, i know you will succeed.
five years ago i would write about how i never saw anything bright ahead, everything was darkness and deep and dreary but here i am, in 2018, feeling joy in the deepest recesses of my heart in a way i never imagined since anxiety, depression and trauma entered my life. and if i am feeling this way now, i can’t imagine how much more i will grow and flourish in the (hopefully!) many more years to come.
i am proud of you even if no one else is. the world did everything it could to stop you and look how resilient you were all along, how you succeeded through the worst parts of humanity and how you came up on top. you deserve happiness and i hope you find it.
good luck
- L