The Future in Journal

Do you ever feel a gust of wind and close your eyes, and that wave of nostalgia hits you? Like the feeling of a good memory on the tip of your brain but you can’t actually remember what the memory is? Is there a word for that? I get that all the damn time. Sometimes I wonder if my brain is just mush from the PTSD that remembering things before “the trauma” is just so hazy and unrecognizable. I’m starting to forget what it felt like to be young (without anxiety) and it scares me a bit. Reminds me of how old I am getting. I turned 25 this year. I didn’t expect to make it here to be entirely honest with you. I always thought I’d be dead by 23, max 30. But now I envision a future and it is… terrifying. Good and bad but mostly just fear. I’ve grown so accustomed to feeling afraid you’d think I would be numb by now but still… it hurts just as much. I want to push through it though. I want to do something. I don’t want to just lie here and take it anymore. I want to take control and live my fucking life. I haven’t been able to say this in… years.

Anyway, I just finished cleaning the apartment, I had a shower, felt so clean and refreshed, J is fast asleep and the place is quiet but peaceful. I walk to the window and a cool breeze comes in and ot just felt like… a different time. Like I was another me, living an alternate life, and it was a distant memory. I don’t know how to explain it other than it felt euphoric but… sad at the same time. These types of feelings are always the emotions I’m scared of. They are unpredictable, unsure. I’m scared of getting hurt again so I stick to the routine that ironically, damages me more in the long run rather than facing my fears. But I’m bracing for it this time. Things feel different this time. I’m ready for love, life, future. Time to put the past behind me.

I thought this year would suck but… it is ending well. Here’s to next year too. 💖

Last updated November 21, 2018