welcome back (life update TW) in urges

i havent written in a while
i forgot this site even existed honestly, but then shit happened and i remembered that this site was a thing that i could use to vent
i’m so tired and overwhelmed
my parents are constantly pressuring me to take the SAT and go to a four year college and “be successful” cause a piece of paper and studying for another four years will somehow magically accomplish that
i honestly feel like a complete disappointment now
i dont want to go to college right away
i just want a break
i think i’ve started developing an eating disorder
if i eat a lot or if i eat “unhealthy” things, i make myself puke
a lot is over 800 kcal
i’m just so tired
every thought is about food or blood or death
and its not like i can tell anyone because i’m still not 18 and my parents would be involved and i would end up inpatient and it would be a whole ordeal and my parents already have enough bullshit to deal with
my mom was sexually assaulted at work by my fucking uncle
she acts like it doesnt really faze her but i can hear her fighting with my dad and the pain in her voice when she told me
i’m just tired of everything
its always too much
a five minute phone call for a job is too much
eating is too much
existing is too much
i had a panic attack in the car because of a stupid phone call
oh speaking of which i finally got my license
yayyyy
i bought blades three days after i got my license
i’m planning on buying icecream and energy drinks at some point this week so i can b/p
ice cream is really easy to puke
spicy things are not
neither are chips
in case you couldnt tell, i hate myself
my mind is a complete mess
i can’t stay on one train of thought for more than ten minutes
my grades are slowly dropping
a C there an F here an suddenly i’m barely getting by
maybe its (definitely) just me being a perfectionist but getting a B average makes me want to die
i hate it so much and i feel like a complete fucking disappointment
i’m just so fucking tired of everything
i want to sleep and never wake up
i want to not care about how everyone will be affected by my death
i want to fucking kill myself every single day
but i cant because for some stupid goddamn reason i care more about my parents marriage and my sister’s mental health than they do
and thus concludes a stupid fucking rant with this dumbass
have a nice day

Last updated November 03, 2018