Rest In Peace, Grandma in Musings

“I got your back babe! Fuck them!”

Yeah I hear you Alex… but I’m always in your shadow… I’m tired of telling white people that I’m fucking gorgeous, tan, with dark hair and Asian slitty eyes and that I’m not a fucking gold digger. I make more money than all his trustfund baby friends. I’m tired of being some fucking fetishized, Puerto Rican witch who has you wrapped in my fingers…not good enough for you, a fucking good time that snaked you.

I’m tired of even my family saying that I’m not good enough for you, and my aunt’s whispering behind my back that because my mother is a witch, She’s done some spell to bind you to me. In that same breath; they say “Andy is so handsome” “Andy has such beautiful skin, you saw his eyes? They look like his mother’s“ “ugh but he smokes and he drinks a lot, he’s so pretty but Norma (my mom) didn’t raise him well”

I’m so tired… I’m exhausted. The only person on my side is my cousin… “yeah Andy is pretty, I can’t pay for a home for you mom”

I don’t know how to explain it…I’m always lacking something in all aspects… I’m a gold digging nigger to Alex’s friends—I’m apparently an attractive Puerto Rican boy, but I’m not good enough for a good white man… but if I date a Puerto Rican, other Latino, or a black man I’m even less…

I don’t fucking know.... Alex goes around in my family and because he learned Spanish fluently, my aunts talk to him and he tries to defend my honor… everyone thinks I’m a slut and I deserved to get beat: does that make sense?

My great aunt who’s the matriarch of my family… my sister said that she said I was too proud and that I needed to keep my nose down because I was a faggot “maricon”, this is after I had spoken to my great aunt, I know she never liked me because my grandmother worshipped me and her fucked up sister use to hate me as a child and she has been fake to me through adulthood.

My sister was drunk and she would’ve never said this to me if she were coherent.

I don’t fucking care who the fuck you think you are or your fucking hierarchy in our family… I’m fucking Andres and if you wanna scuffle with me, I have a 3.95 GPA I’ve traveled lands that you can’t even pronounce, and you’re on lands that you’re children can’t e even pay for, you fucking hate me, but my family inherited these acres of land and I pay for it now… my grandmother left it to me, Danny and Ana. I fucking pay for these acres of land

I went to that bitch (who is my great aunt) and I was like “bendicion Tia” ( Aunt, bless me by God) she blessed me and I looked at her ancient ass and said “oh so I heard you said I was a faggot” and her mid-70 year old ass smirked at me and said “but aren’t you?”
It took all of my might to not fucking slap the fuck out of her old ass. “I don’t know if you know who the fuck I am Tia, you’re in my house, Grandma left me this , so you need to respect me” I told her.
My mom was holding me back because it became a fucking heated argument. “Respect you?!” She said “you’re probably not sure who I am Andres” she said as she lightly grazed he hands over my face.
My mom tells me “Andy shut your fucking mouth” and I shoo her away and tell my great aunt verbatim “I’m not the fire you wanna play with tia… I will make your murder look like a suicide” “That nasty, vulgar mouth of yours is mine and I’ve had it a lot longer than you have, I wiped you’re balls in pampers” she said
I yelled at her so belligerently “well you fucking know that I’m not the fucking faggot you want to cross, this is my inheritance from your sister, you might have age over me, but I’m not the fucking bitch you want to cross Tia, you and your adopted bastard kids will starve if I sell this land”

My mother slapped me in my mouth. And my great aunt said “I say what I want, you understand that, flea?”

I don’t know why she said that because I went ballistic.
My cousins were like “Andy stop”
I slammed bottles of liquor on the floor. “I may be a faggot, but you take care of your mistresses children, cause you couldn’t give birth to your own. You barren fucking bitch… at least I can produce children from my faggot dick, you couldn’t even give you’re fucking husband a child” I said as my mother pulled me by my hair. “You never fucking liked me because my grandmother (her sister) she loved me. You’re not even a woman, you couldn’t even give your husband children” my mother slapped my mouth so hard I felt blood and Alex grabbed me and held me, when I spit blood. “Tell that fucking bitch to get the fuck off of my grandmother’s land, or I will forget that I’m a man and that she’s my elder and drag her fucking face through the sugarcane fields”

Alex politely said to her “Listen, please go to the otherside of the field” “Oh why?” She said puffing her chest and bloody mouthed and all hearing my mother screaming in the background, my brother held my mother “you don’t know me, but you’ll know me now” I said as I felt blood dripping out of my nose and my mouth “get the fuck off my grandparents land now. or I will have you removed off of my land” I said spitting bloody spit near her feet. “I’m not the man you want to stand up to” I said smiling as Alex held me by my throat and pulled me to the farm house. “Babe you don’t want to do this on your grandmothers death anniversary” he said putting his hands over my mouth.
And as I was dragged by Alex I ripped his hands off of my mouth and said “you’re the joke of the family, you empty uterus bitch… you didn’t even come to my grandmother’s funeral! Get the fuck off of my land!!! You fucking bitch! You’re not a woman! You barren, empty pussy bitch! You can’t even raise you’re husbands kids well they’re fucking delinquents selling cocaine and crack at gas stations! But I’m a faggot! Look at the deed! Look at how many acres were left to my family, look at Grandma’s will! My name was first, but I’m a faggot right! I will fucking set you’re fucking non-woman self on fire!”

After Alex dragged me into the house, and forced me to relax under my canopy bed… I woke up and felt terrified about everything I said…

My mother asked me “how did you know what you said to Tia?” I didn’t know. I wasn’t aware that my mother is a mulatto until I went to college.

I became possessed by my grandmother’s spirit. My grandmother never liked her sister and I never felt submerged in so much hate and violence…

My cousin, her son’s son (one of the children she raised of her husband because she can’t have kids) he came to me and he sat in my bedroom and said “Andy, you’re grandmother hates my grandmother… I always heard about you”

My great aunt knew I was terrified of the latrine because of the worms and bugs… she found some fucking millipede and threw it at my feet. I was a child and I cried and my grandmother would suffer with me and she would wash my feet and she would tell me “don’t worry, be humble, if your evil back you will never live, life has it’s ways” my grandmother was the only person that believed that my great aunt would torture me. I don’t know why she didn’t like me… I would get coffee beans for her and grind them myself under my grandmother’s surveillance and my grandmother never asked me why I had such an urgency to grind coffee or where I would take it to, my grandmother loved me in ways that I never knew I could be loved.

I would bring the coffee grinds to my great aunt… walk the 2 miles on a road as a kid from the farm to her fucking door step shack of a house… just cause I wanted to be enough, just so that she wouldn’t hate me so much…

I’m not too much… it’s that everyone around me isn’t enough.
I’d walk back and this road was full of mosquitos and insects…cars would swerve by me because it was like a cliff… and people would ask me to get in there car… and I could’ve been killed or raped or whatever mutilstikn they do to kids… but I was protected.... I’d get to grandmas house and she’d nab me up and ask me “where you been boy!?” And id just say “I’m sorry”. She’d pull me by my little forearm and drag me to the bathroom “why are you so dirty!? These mosquitoes are eating your city blood! Take off your clothing. I have to wash them! You give me so much grief!”

And I’d be naked in a bathtub as she poured warm water over me and made me lather my hands to lather my body.

The only time I’ve ever felt that I was enough… in her arms, bathing in her warm water that she would boil for me…

I felt like I was enough… I was too much, but for my grandmother—I was hers… wholely. She loved me and when she died, my whole world just became a place I didn’t know…

She taught me to be honest… brutally honest. She taught me that death is a part of life and when she’d slaughter animals infront of me she’d tell me ‘you don’t eat sad meat, this pig/chicken/cow/fish/rabbit died so you can live’ She taught me how to fucking be enough and to not allow anyone to tell me otherwise.

I wish you were here with my grandma…
I have your land… I feel possessed by you…

Grandmother, I’m sorry for wanting to kill your sister…thank you for showing me how to be a man—someone everyone envies
I wish I could just smell you again and feel your hands brushing my hair or making me hop into my underwear. You thought I was beautiful before I even knew the concept.

Rest In Peace
You’re my guardian angel
I will never let you die

Love always,
Your Andrecito

Xoxo