Keep Moving On in Journal

It’s been a while since I’ve written since life took over. Everything has been stressful AF but I’m still alive and managing so I must be doing okay.

J and I moved to a new apartment - it’s much nicer but lots of problems structurally since no one has lived here for a year. Lights flicker, wrong wiring, leaky taps and last week the bathroom flooded - which was hilarious but the timing was fucked because it happened the day before my birthday so I couldn’t shower or anything. Half of my birthday was spent waiting at home by myself for the plumber to show up - the real estate is really nice but god they are slow at replying. I hate renting sometimes.

We got scammed and fucked over by the removalists so they only moved half of our furniture and it took them five hours and then billed us $600. I was VERY angry to say the least. It took us another 5 days to get everything moved ourselves - luckily J’s friends helped out. Once it was all over it was like a breath of fresh air. Unfortunately now we are in an ongoing fight with our internet service provider who refuses to connect us. Have taken it to the Ombudsman but it’s going to be months until we get a solution.

This impacts my uni cos half of my degree is online - and I don’t have a lot of phone data. Cue extreme anxiety and stress. It wasn’t so bad before but now it’s starting to pile up and I’m having sleeping problems again. Last two nights I’ve been up to 3am and 2am respectively. I managed to curb the anxiety on Tuesday by having a shower which helped but last night I really felt like committing suicide. There was just that voice that keeps whispering ‘everything will go away’ and as ridiculous as dying is to solve your problems, at 2am that voice just gets so much stronger and my will to rationalize is weaker.

I don’t really consider myself ‘depressed’ - sometimes my mood nosedives but depression isn’t chronic for me. There’s many times I feel the opposite of depressed. I took my mood journal to my therapist and she confirmed i’m not ‘bipolar’ like she previously thought - just fucking over-emotional. I cry at everything. I think I’ve cried every day since moving here.

Last night I told J what if moving was a mistake and this is the universe throwing bad omens at us? He laughed but sometimes the very small, spiritual part of me feels like things do happen for a reason. We almost broke up last year and then we moved in again with a contract for a year. Things have been stressed on us here. J got fucked over by his job for two weeks (no shifts) and he was online playing video games all day and all night. He was getting depressed again. I tried to get him off the game and out doing other stuff but it just seems like I bother him more than help. So things have been weird between us. He was so nice to me on my birthday - he got me a great present, a lovely bouquet of flowers, a card that made me cry. Then he came out with me and my friends and supported me the whole night. He is honestly my rock and my biggest supporter. And that’s what worries me. I’m travelling next week by myself (with my friend) for 6 days and he won’t be there. Without him I never feel confident, and it pisses me off. I wanna be strong without him. My best friend booked a trip for herself for 2 months and I’m so jealous. I can barely do 6 days. How does she do it? I wanna be strong too.

What else? Uni is very hard. I have an exam tonight after work and I have barely studied due to all this stress. Then next week we have a group assignment and I won’t even be here for 5 days as I’m away. The timing is just shit. I messaged my disability counsellor and she suggested I drop out with a note from my doctor due to medical reasons - won’t be charged anything and I don’t receive a fail. But I want to try. I’ve given up before and it felt good for maybe 5 minutes until I felt like a failure again. So I’m going to try and do it. If I fail, I’ll try again next year, but at least I tried. I did so well last year my GPA is now up to distinction level and although it doesn’t mean anything really - I want to keep it there. What if I do so well I receive a scholarship of some kind? That would be the dream. I’ve always been smart but barely tried in school. I only studied for a couple days in my final exams in high school and I feel like had I tried better, I would have gotten into the best universities off the bat. Instead I fucked around for 5 years and spent thousands of dollars on a dumb degree. This time I wanna do it right.

That feels good to write to be honest. My therapist has been urging me to write down the things I’m doing right instead of the things I’m doing wrong so here goes:

I’m still at uni
I booked a trip despite the anxiety
I still have a job (which is going well despite everything)
I may have found a cure for my leg pain
I have friends who love me
I have two cats
I have J who loves and supports me
My family are being great atm
My birthday this year was great

Like, things are okay. I need to breathe. Things are just fine.

Stress is normal and it all passes with time.
Just be patient. x