"Everything About You Makes Me Want to Be a Better man" in Musings

I never get into political debates or anything polarizing with any of my friends, any of Alex’s friends or strangers, for that matter. I have a very clear idea of what I look like decked out in labels, dripping in diamonds,Latino and dating a white man in a suit.
However, I was completely about to fuck some white motherfucker because the busboy came over to me and spoke to me in Spanish and this white asshole said “Andy, don’t speak that Mexican you know to him” and the busboy literally poured my Pelligrino in my glass smirked and said “perdon señor”

The fucking hate that pulsed through my veins, I felt my ears thumping blood—you white piece of shit, we live in NYC; Mexican isn’t a fucking language, my closet is worth more than your fucking net worth, you cracker ass Midwest garbage of a person.
Alex heard his fucking privileged white friend and stood next to me, as I balled my fists and he said “Mexican isn’t a language! You Cum rag!” And his friend (Franklin) looked at Alex and looked at me and said “I don’t care! If Andy speaks, this is America, he should have some decency to speak; OH! I don’t know!? English?! Like what we all speak”

What I did, should never be repeated or even documented… I grabbed my bag, walked over to the busboy and dragged him with me, whipped out my mace stood in front of Franklin and said “maldito gringo, hijo de la gran puta” and I maced the fuck out of him.

Don’t fucking talk to me like I’m one of you… and don’t fucking diminish other people that speak Spanish just like me.

The party scattered because the mace spread… Franklin starts crying “you fucking bitch!!” And I looked at him as he rubbed his eyes and the busboy runs away… Alex grabs my mace hand and rips the mace off of my keychain, throws it away and rips me away from Franklin… I see people taking videos of me, I see the room scatter. Alex grabs my bag and pushes me into the crowd to the elevator.
I get pushed into the elevator and Alex and I are by ourselves with the elevator attendant… and I’m crying—the elevator attendant says in Spanish (and no, I’m not going to translate it anymore, fucking google translate!) “Diablo papi, los maricones como tu, no necesitan razon. Deja de llorar! Tu eres machito! Los hombres no lloran”
Alex was scared shitless. We get off the elevator and the elevator attendant said “, cuídate de los blancos, estan podrido!” My Spanish is from Puerto Rico, but I understand Mexicans—we we’re all raped by the same Spaniards. Mexican isn’t a fucking language, Puerto Rican isn’t a fucking language—we speak fucking Spanish… it’s like speaking English in London, Ireland or South Africa…

I leave the elevator and I’m fighting Alex “Alexander, get the fuck off me! How dare you’re fucking bum ass friend think that he could talk to me any fucking way that he wanted to!” I started foaming my spit at the mouth “I speak whatever fucking language I want!” I said screaming at Alex “he said ‘why you speaking Mexican?’ To the busboy?! And he said why are you letting me speak Mexican?!”

Alex was super nervous and said “babe, just shut up—that was a big scene, I’m snot nosed from your mace”
I looked at him and said “Good… wake up, Trustfund baby! I fucking worked for everything I have. White niggas think I’m going to let them diminish me?” I scoffed “I wish a white nigga would—I’m from the fucking projects, I had lead poisoning, ACS was at my house every fucking week, I was homeless as a teen! I should’ve been a fucking statistic! Every fucking thing I god damn have is because I worked for it, white privilege doesn’t belong in NYC when my closet is worth more than your fucking trust!” And I started crying, unconsolaby. “Baby I know” Alex said as he dragged me to our Uber. “Do you?!” I said sliding into the backseat “do you fucking know that I sucked dick so that I didn’t get mugged or beat up and my mother could be free in the projects?!” I felt all of my miserable life ripping through my eyes. “You know how many times I wished I was dead because of how fucking poor I am? ‘Cause I was a “Becky bitch” before Beyoncé made it popular.”

“Andy… Imma tell you this now and once” he said holding my chin in his hands “everything you have is off of the sweat of your back” he said pushing his forehead into mine “you busted your fucking ass for the shit you have, you understand me?” He said kissing my nose and wiping the tears off my eyes “don’t make me your enemy cause I’m a white guy, Frank deserves what he got” he said wrapping himself around me “don’t fuck with a Puerto Rican” he whispered and I giggled. “Everything about you makes me want to be a better man” he said as he held me tightly into him. “Babe…my own aunt from Paris gave you hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry—and she knows you’re a saint when she found out we broke up” he said as he kissed me. “Tante doesn’t talk to me, because she knows what I did to you” he said as his eyes teared up. “Whatever Puerto Rican witchcraft you have, my brother doesn’t talk to me, my father doesn’t talk to me ‘cause they know what I did to you” he said as the cab driver told us that we were home.
I hopped out of the car and Alex hooked my arm into his… “fuck you scare the shit out of me bro!” He says as he just intertwined his fingers into mine.
We ride the elevator to our apartment and he just holds me into his body… and the ding of the bell makes me push him off… I search for the swipe key and Alex just pulls it out from his pocket.
As we go in to the unfurnished condo space “I live with you babe” he says as he just rips off his clothing. “Yeah, I know bro! I said as I flung my python bag onto a bean bag chair.
Alex comes over to me in his underwear, hard as fuck, and he says “I am the man that I am today, because you’ve always been the man that you’ve been” and he kisses me. “Shut up Alex. You’re getting laid, stop being so fucking ‘climby’” “Babe when I met you at that club, I went for you ‘cause there’s something so sexy about you being such a fucking dick” he said as he wrapped his hands into the back of the hair on my head. “Andy you’re a fucking bitch, you’re so unapologetically you!” He said as he dropped down to his knees. “You’re my man—you’re my boy—you’re my girl—you’re whatever fucking label you want me to understand of you” he said as he kneeled in front of me, holding my hands to his mouth. “I’m sorry that Frank said that you were speaking Mexican, I’m sorry that you felt bad macing him, I’m sorry that I dragged you out of there and made you feel like you did something wrong” he said as he hugged my knees. “I am the man I am today, because you loved me” he said hugging my legs hard. “Babe get up!” I said grabbing his chin. “I love you beyond what words can describe” and as I pulled him to stand up we both said “you’re my family” and I giggled. “Jinx!” I squealed “knock on wood” I said as he held me softly in his embrace.
He dropped his boxer briefs and held me into him and said “baby speak Mexican to me” he smirked mischievously. “Fuck you!” I retorted. And he smiled naked with his Calvin Klein boxer briefs around his ankles. He ripped off my shirt and led to our bed. “Baby?” He whispered as he slowly began to penetrate me. My hands, softly, on his shoulders as I felt him ripping into every wall in my body.

Alex is the only man I’ve ever had sex with, without a condom…and fuck my ex husbands, now boyfriend, fiancé’s dick is amazing....
on an off note… I get feverish when I ask him to wear a condom and he refuses and instead of being a kid about it… we went and got tested for STI’s and HIV… and because I’m so paranoid we got tested again after a 3 month period, we are on prep, but I don’t want to get super gonorrhea…
So we had that 1st test and we got on prep… and fucked with condoms, which he hates and I’m impartial to…we got tested again after 3 months, maybe even 4/5 months and tested negative for all viruses…

That night I had a condom for him in the bed… and as he was making out with me front facing, I opened the condom wrapper, so that he could penetrate and he spit in his hand and pushed himself inside of me. “It’s mine baby, I don’t fuck anyone but you” and I felt him for the first time after we were married, bareback.

I don’t know how anyone else feels… but I’m a bottom… and condomed dick or bare dick feels the same… but his dick in a wrapper, I felt half satisfied and when we finally went through testing and then the 3 month test after being monogamous, he just, in a way, raped me bare… it just swirled in my mind feeling him inside me in a far different way than before… I can feel his foreskin and I notice more intimate things about him—like the veins that burst around his v-line as he thrust… and the way his toes bend on our bed and turn yellow… the sweat on his scalp, the hair in his armpits and how I feel like he’s literally pouring his pheromones on to me as he drips sweat from his chin.
I love the way that his eyes turn from espresso bean to milk chocolate and his lips go from a pink beige to ripe pink. I clearly know that I’m inlove with him and I’ve told my girlfriends about this weird phenomenon about him…
As a bottom, I’ve always had to get myself off, manually … with Alex I never had to touch myself and he just makes love to me and doesn’t touch me—and it’s all his penis inside me and I just have a hands free orgasm…
After these past few months and being on Truvada (which by the way made me violently sick, obviously because it’s a fucking antiretroviral NNRTIs nrt PIS… if you’re taking prep—you better research the fuck out of what you’re absorbing in your body… PrEp isn’t a fucking joke, antiretroviral medication on a healthy immune system is not a fucking joke—it can make you sick as fuck, bone atrophy, kidney malabsorption, excruciating headaches, yeah side effects from an antiretroviral, it’s like having chemotherapy just because you can be possibly exposed to cancer—Prep is not a fucking joke and it’s such a new thing to the public there isn’t enough research on how it will affect our bodies in the future). Nonetheless, I had to force Alex to wear condoms during the period that we were taking Prep daily. And after our 3 month check up he doesn’t care about condom usage—thankfully I trust him and I know he’s monogamous.

But no shade sometimes I get off on the fact that he comes home from work and I’m making him food and I’m in my underwear and he pulls my underwear down and pulls his dick out through his slack’s zipper…and don’t get me wrong just because he’s the top and I’m the bottom, doesn’t mean that he has control over when and where… there have been times where we’re at Target and he’s just telling me something super mundane and I just grab his crotch… I’ve left our shopping cart and dragged him to the Target public restroom in the Bronx so that I could blow him or get fucked by him.
Ugh… I’ve never said it out loud… but I’ve realized that there is something incredibly sexy about how aloof he is about his white privilege…there was something completely arousing when I told his friend, Franklin, that Mexican isn’t a fucking language and Alex chimes in and I maced his friend and the fact that Alex semi-realizes that if I were white I could just walk out of the club IF I WANTED TO, but I’m not white, I’m rich—but not white and Alex’s white privilege guided me out the club into an Uber.

I know I’m fucked up and I get off on knowing that my net worth at this point is worth more than Alex’s trustfund… I don’t work for money, money works for me in stocks, investments and hedgefunds—however, I’m still a fucking cotton pickin’ faggot, nigger to the white patriarchy. Alex, in his way knows that, and he defends me in the way only a white person could… and it is fucked up that I lust to absorb his whiteness—it’s also fucked up on his part that he wants to understand and absorb my niggerism’s.

And maybe I’m completely fucked up in my head because when he’d beat me and torture me and raped me when he’d fuck me, there was some sort of fucked up love and release when I would say “no” and be raped by him… and still wake up and get his dry cleaning… and never believed that he did anything wrong.

I know in my heart of hearts that Alex is a good man with psychiatric and psychological problems… but he loves me in his own sick and twisted way… and I know I’m damaged and psychologically fucked up and I get my revenge—and now we exist in perpetual atonement. More him than me…I only regret and feel sorry for never explaining to him where I was and in ways I realize that I’m a much more sick and twisted individual than he is.
He just beat me and put me in the place that he believed I wanted… I didn’t abuse him physically, but I destroyed him in ways that only someone who has access to his mind would… I disappeared on him, with no traces… I fucked his bestfriend… I’m not the person you want to fall inlove with and physically hurt…you can hurt me topically, but I will use every intimate detail I know of you and eat you from the inside out and make you believe that you were at fault and I’m an angel.
I am toxic. I create lonely wastelands… and I have no mercy or soul—I have the ability to love, to feel empathy, but it’s all an act… I don’t feel anything—
I love you Alexander… you’re my husband and my partner and my best friend and you know how absolutely manipulative and insidious I am… you aren’t the man you are today because of me… you are the man you are besides me… I’m spoiled goods and everything I touch turns into death and destruction and I flourish within that.

In the whole wide world, I’m Andy… and just like gas—I will absorb your life because I manipulated you to give it to me.