Here We Go Again in I Never Felt So Low

I stayed away from her cause I’m trying to heal but I didn’t want her out of my life. Even after all the shit she did and all the shit I did, I didn’t want her out of my life. I needed a damn break away from her. I needed to get my mind back on my life.

She decides to message me. Today, yesterday and I think even the day before when we had our blow out fight over Jack.

I stayed away from her. I even took her off my FB newsfeed. Controlled when and if I would check to see how she was. I didn’t want to. There is a reason they tell you NOT to check up on your ex but its hard when that ex is your best friend whom you still want as your best friend even if she is seeing some extremely shitty guy who abuses her.

Now she’s spending a week with this dirt bag and she blocks me again. Most likely cause she’s drunk cause every fucking time she is over there she is getting drunk. Drunk. Sex. Weed. Rinse and repeat. She is worth so much more than that and she doesn’t even see it.

I’m still in love with her and I don’t think I’ll ever not be in love with her. Especially since we never really got a chance to explore what we could have been cause I know what she is like as a girlfriend. She’s a good girlfriend. She’s loving and kind, she respects you, she tries her best. I can’t believe after everything we have been through, she does this to me again.

Last year, it was months away from her and she nearly died. I’m not saying she can’t live without me. I’m saying she needs good friends around her. She needs people who truly care about her well being. People who don’t shove booze down her throat when they know she has a drinking problem. Riley knows this and he still gives her the alcohol. She wants to die and he is killing her.

I hate this. I hate when she gets like this. This person isn’t her. This is some driving force in her that makes her do these things to either end of her life or make it as miserable as possible cause I think deep down that is what she truly believes. I know I used to be like that and she is a lot like me in all the scary ways.

Last big thing I told her was I rather she be single. I rather she just be on her own, get to know herself cause she hasn’t gotten a chance to do that. I think she is scared to be by herself. She is scared to figure out who she is cause I think she is afraid she may not like them. I know how she feels.

Like there is a demon inside of you. You start to think that is who you really are. But its not. Who I am when I’m angry isn’t really me. It is an explosive part of me that I have to fight to control but it not the whole part of me. She needs to understand that overall she is a good person who strives each and every day to better herself. She really does try on her good days.

She isn’t this dark twisted version of herself that she created. She’s just MJ. A really sweet if explosive Canadian young woman with a fucked up past.

This next part is directly to her:

Before the romance feelings, my feelings for you are best friends feelings. That feeling of you are the one person in this fucked up universe who really understands me. Not many people get me but you did. You do. Yes you had moments when you didn’t get me but you always tried so hard to get me. You would even fight with me to try to understand me and you never gave up.

No one has ever really done that for me. Not like you do.

I dunno if you even come round here or remember this exists. Chances are you won’t read this at all but I can’t help but to write as if I was writing to you.

I told you those letters I wrote.. I was mad. I told you that. I dunno if this is about the letters or if Riley put you up to it or if you decided you hated me while you were drunk but I don’t hate you. How could I hate the woman I love? The woman who is my best friend.

I hate these actions you do.

The not telling me about Riley. The dating Riley in the first place. Drinking. Whatever else you do cause I’ve done it too. Riley isn’t for you. Riley is not a good man. Riley does not care about you. Riley is nothing more than a stalker who has done nothing but hurt you. Please know you are better than this. Please know that if any of those people are really your friends, they will understand and stand by you. If they don’t, they aren’t your friends.

Please understand that. So many people go a whole lifetime without learning this valuable lesson. Hell, I almost did. I was 28 when I learned it. Painfully.

You can make your own way in this life. You have that power. Please don’t leave it up to someone else.

Please MJ. You are worth it. I know I get mad at you for the things you do but I understand. I know you get mad at me too but deep down, you understand too. If you didn’t, you would have cut me out of your life completely. You would have told me we were over. I know I told you that for now we are over but that doesn’t mean forever.

It’s up to you what you want out of this life.

And yeah, I don’t care if you read what I have to say at the start of this. Its all shit you need to hear anyway cause its how I feel.

Last updated October 02, 2018