I'm def not obsessing anymore. That is def a very good thing. I used to write (on OD) pretty much every day or every other day for months about him. I know I am over him.
I think I am just in a bad mood today. I know I didn't get enough sleep last pm and that could def be contributing to all this.
Bad mood or not, I'm pissed. I am pissed and I'm hurt. I'm pissed at Lou because I feel like he is feeling awkward about the idea of anyone in his life knowing anything about me and as a result, he is lying to me about things now. I asked him last week if he was watching the superbowl and he he told me he was at the mall and that he would prob be asleep by the halftime show. The next day he told me all about the superbowl and the halftime show. I think he felt the need to lie to me because he was prob at a superbowl party and didn't want to feel the need to invite me after I had invited him to a card game with my friends the night before. Then again today, he told me he was taking his son and his son's friends to the movies for his sons birthday. I asked him if he wanted to hang out while his son was in the movies. I figured we could get something to eat or watch a movie of our own. His son never even needed to know about me. I wasn't suggesting meeting his son. Long story short, he completely blew me off and texted me after, acting like he never went. Urrrrrrggghhhhh!
This brings me right back to George. The only reason I met Lou is because of George. After George decided to fuck Ilyana I decided it was time for me to move on for once and for all. I knew the only way I was going to be able to do that was from the help of another. That is when I met Lou.
I decided today that things just aren't working out with Lou. It's for the best, I'm not really ready for anything now anyways. I just needed a distraction from George. Lou def took care of that in a big way. He is a great guy, he just isn't ready for a relationship with anyone yet. I was very clear in my ad that I didn't want to be anyone's secret. Even though if anyone has good reason to keep me a secret, it is Lou... it's just not what I want.
Why do men always have to do this. I just don't get it. I'm such a good person. I have so much love in my heart. I just want to give it to the right person.
Back to George. The last time I had hung out with him was on MLK day. He was begging for sex. It is the common theme with us now. He never calls anymore. When we do get together, the only reason apparently is because he is horny. He begs me for sex and to be honest, that's growing old. It just shows me the only reason I hear from him is because he's horny. Since MLK day, I have heard from him once. I had tried a few times to engage in conversation with him but he would respond with one word and never initiate anything. Then he finally called me one day this week. He got a call from work while we were on the phone and he told me that they wanted him to go in at 2:30 and how pissed he was because he was hoping to get laid. That bothered me because I'm not sure if he thought he was going to get it from me or if (even though he knows I love him) he was talking about getting it from someone else. Either way, that was rude. If he was hoping to get it from me, I haven't heard from this clown in like 3 weeks, then I hear from him when he's trying to get laid??!!!! Or he's seriously going to tell me about how he was hoping to fuck someone else, knowing how I feel about him.
God, what the hell is wrong with me??? How could I have fallen for such a jack ass??
Either way, during that conversation, he was telling me how he's now looking for new apts because he is finally going to be getting a new car soon. I will believe this all when I actually see it. But he was saying that when he gets all this, he's coming to kidnap me. He said that several times very emphatically. He said once he does this he's going to "thump that ass"... hard! I just don't get him. Does he not understand how wrong this all is?? I just couldn't imagine taking advantage of someones feelings for me like that. Especially when it's someone who is so very good to me. Seriously... he knows I love him and how much trouble I have separating sex with him from those feelings. He knows how much I struggle with that. Yet he is still always begging me to fuck him whenever we do end up talking/hanging out. As if that wasn't bad enough, to not talk to me until and unless he's horny?? WTF?????
I have been nothing but good to this man. It's not like he's a bad person either which is why I just don't understand any of this shit. He's just completely immature. Waaaaayyyy immature.
Yet, I still find a way to romantasize all of this. I dream that the reason he doesn't want a relationship with me is because he didn't have all his shit together and that once he does get a car and his own apt, that he will feel more ready to take care of me and want that relationship. I actually entertain that idea. But the reality is that I have lost so much trust for him now. Even if he did get that car and apt and tell me he wants to be in a relationship with me now, I wouldn't believe him. I would think he's just telling me that so he can continue having sex with me but nobody would be around to know what he's really doing when I'm not there. I think that's part of the reason he hates living where he's living now... there are too many witnesses to what he's doing.
I just wish I didn't have to deal with any of this any more. I know that these days are few and far between now but since he hardly ever calls me anymore, I wish he would just disappear. I would rather have no contact with him at all than just hearing from him every few weeks when he gets horny. Fucker!