Whelp. in I Never Felt So Low

I dunno what the hell but we are talking again. She was drunk (no surprise there) when she blocked me and unfriened me.

So, updates:

We are trying to talk again but she mentions him and I see all the shit he does her and it makes me RAGE. Things I would NEVER do to her.

I’m also upset at her cause when we were dating, she NEVER gave me her account info. Not that I asked nor wanted it cause its her privacy but she offers it to everyone but me. sigh I need to accept that she isn’t the one for me. As much as I want her to be, this is just another one of those “she won’t commit to you” things.

So, I find out she gave it to Riley.

What does Mister Shithead do?

He goes on her account when she is suffering going to her grandfather’s funeral, reads her messages and unfriends me. Not only that but he changed her name to his because he knew she had me as a close friend. WHAT AN ASSHOLE! This is his way of saying “NA NA BOO BOO She’s mine”. I’m here rolling my eyes.

The worst of this, I told her about it, she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t see it as a breach of trust and privacy because she “gave him the account”. When she literally was like “I won’t read your messages”, when she went on my account for a second. It’s NOT healthy!

Then she says “oh he paid for the plane tickets and drove two hours to make sure I was ok”. As if that makes him Boyfriend of the Year. NO. That’s what he is SUPPOSED to do. This isn’t some amazing feat.

My friend’s ex did the same thing. Made her think he was a great guy by doing “nice” things and then ended up being controlling, possessive and shitty. To the point she had to file a restraint on him.

I know this Riley guy is an abuser. I know he is untrustworthy, has intense anger issues and so forth. I feel like he was a spur of the moment decision she made.

I hurt so much. Part of it is morning that part of our relationship that I will most likely see ever again. Getting a glimpse of who she is and the love she gives. Knowing that she is giving that to this dickhead stalker abusive piece of shit all because he is closer? Cause that was her reasoning. I would have never done this to her.

If she would have talked to me and said “hey I know we were on a break but I met someone so I think we need to break up” or something I dunno, anything. Anything to spar my feelings a bit. Cause I don’t understand this at all.

I know she loves me. I know she loves me romantically. God, I just, I want to cry. I want to fucking cry and never stop. Cause now she is with him and I will never be with her cause I dunno if I can after this. After everything. She never even gave me a fair chance to be with her.

He is going through her things.
Unfriending people she loves.
Telling her what to do.

but nope. He’s a great guy cause he did one nice thing for her. Fuck him. He is a snake. He is the worst kind of man cause he is smiling in her face and stabbing her in the back. She doesn’t even see it which scares me. She doesn’t.

I have been so fed up with certain people too.

Yes.

Be honest with me but do not tell me I’m “throwing a pity party” cause I feel lonely or I tell you I feel lonely. If I tell you I feel as if no one will ever want to be with me because this, this has affected me to the point where I dunno if I can trust again.

Cause I trusted her, I loved her and this is what I got. A nice slap in the face.

The last was like this and the one before and the one before.. the only person who didn’t fuck me over was my first gf. I got scared and fucked her over. Which to this day, I feel horrible about. I couldn’t own up to the fact that I didn’t feel for her the way she felt for me. I mean, I was 13 but still.

So many friends telling me to drop her and I can’t.

I mean, I dropped any hope, any will to be with her cause I don’t think it will ever, ever happen.

I am very upset at that friend, Kal, who I talked about earlier (that she is filing a suit on her ex, the one she was moving in with, she has bad luck with men). I’m mad at her cause she was comparing me to him. Comparing me and saying that I am just like him.

In this situation, I AM NOT CHASING HER LIKE HE DID TO HER. Asking her to be with me when she says no which is what he did to her. I would never ever do that. If MJ would have told me she was done romantically and told me she wanted to break up, I would have cried a lot but I most certainly would not be chasing her. I’m not doing that now.

Am I trying to make sense of what happened? Yes.
Am I trying to look out for her cause I still love and care for? Yes.

I will not control her.
I will not possess her.
I will not be toxic to her.

She has enough of that shit with other men. Pretty much every other fucking man in her life, yeah, even her dad to an extent.

I should have known that when she said “break” she meant break up but I was so hopeful that maybe we would get back together. I still don’t really understand why.

I keep crying over this and my head, back and hell, everything hurts. I need to.. I dunno. Let this go the best I can.

I can’t stop thinking about how lonely my life has been.