Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with one of my best friends, Wesley, but I had all of this candy that I got from a school party, and the candy gave you a ton of energy, very similar to adderoll, and Wesley wanted all of it…and he ended up trying to steal my car because it was full of the candy, and I had to yell at him and send him out to wander the streets…and then I went home and there was some bear in my bedroom eating all of my candy and then I had to hand feed the bear for some reason, but it was totally fucking up my hands because…well, it’s a bear, so…yeah, it was fucking up my hands.
At some point in the dream I had some woman there and we were both interested in each other, but it wasn’t Amanda and it wasn’t Jenny…so it was kind of confusing. Those are pretty much the only two women I ever dream about…except for random street women that I sometimes run into when I’m wandering around the city.
I like the term “street women”.
…I actually haven’t been dreaming about Amanda at all since I’ve been talking to her again, and for me that’s such a great side effect…dreaming about her was starting to drive me fucking insane, like…the real kind of insane, not that “You’re making me crazy!” kind of insane…but like, it’s easy for me to confuse what happens in my dreams as actually happening in real life, and that line was getting blurred real hard....and it was actually making my insanity worse than it usually is.
Speaking of women…deleting my dating profile kind of feels a lot like giving up.
I don’t have the luxury of having someone just walk into my life, I’m way past that, as I’ve discussed before, I am a poisonous person and I’m not down to destroy someones life that hasn’t already been destroyed…so I can only date particularly poison people…so it kind of felt like this dating site was my last chance to find someone....and it kind of feels like I blew it.
I feel like I saw every profile on that thing, and I struck out with pretty much everyone I was attracted to.
I had sex with that Math Teacher one time and then split on that…which I feel terrible about, but the whole thing just felt so so so so wrong from the very beginning, there was no way I could lie to myself about it all and convince myself that what was happening was right on any level.
I’m okay being alone forever…I think…it was a scary idea at first, but now I’m realizing how comfortable I can be.
Speaking of comfort, I talked with one of my managers yesterday about clothes and how I’ve pretty much just devolved into wearing whatever is comfortable and that’s why all my girlfriends make fun of me and call me “dad”…but my manager is an actual dad and even he knows that dressing for comfort is social suicide.
…so it was decided that I am just fucking up all around the table.
I dress for comfort, I shower like twice a week at this point, I eat like shit…I’ve just barely started exercising again…I’m starting to not sleep for 13 hours at a time…I guess I’m moving in the right direction.
Maybe after I get my tax return for this year I’ll go and buy a bunch of new clothes…but this time I’ll go to Target so I can actually change out my entire wardrobe…last time I went shopping I went to Urban and Vans and spent approximately $300 on like, two shirts, two hoodies, some pants, and some shoes…okay, maybe I got three shirts…but still, I feel like $300 at Target could go so much further, and target isn’t bad…especially if I don’t really give that many fucks at all about what I look like, I just need new clothes, that’s all I Know.
Maybe once I start making more money I’ll be able to find a woman…bitches love money.
The dog slept on my bed last night/this morning…and that always makes me feel special.
“Earth people, New York & California
Earth people, I was born on Jupiter.”
I need to shower today.
I need to eat food.
I need to remind myself of these things.
Why is self care so difficult?
Like, really…it seems like something you would just want to do…like, I know all of these people who genuinely enjoy eating and it’s so confusing to me.
I know people who enjoy showering too.
How do I get that?
Fuck, I even know people who enjoy working out…like, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?!?!?!
You want to know what I enjoy?
That was kind of a joke, but it was also kind of serious.
I’m always glad I showered after I shower, and I’m always glad I worked out after I worked out.
I AM NOT ALWAYS GLAD I ATE AFTER I EAT THOUGH!
Most of the time, after I eat, I’m just like, “Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?”
Except, you know, when I ate strictly pescetarian for a week I always felt really good about eating and I was kind of looking forward to every meal because it was always a challenge to find something that wasn’t going to have meat in it…and also I liked eating fish as my only source of animal protein because all the fish in the world is highly radioactive now (except farmed fish, I guess?) and I like the idea of killing myself a little bite of fish at a time.
Maybe I should go back to that?
Maybe…if I quit drinking first…that’s step one…quit drinking (I say to myself as I’m sipping on my second glass of wine of the day and it’s only 12:37 PM)
I always thought life was going to be a lot cooler than this.
“I thought I would be more than this…”
Thank you for everything.
I know sometimes I just write and it doesn’t mean anything and it’s not exciting.
I didn’t mean to question my love for you last time.
I was just…in a mood…
…or maybe I just wasn’t feeling anything at the moment?
I can’t actually remember.
My memory is terrible now.
But you know that.
I do love you.