Fuck. in I Never Felt So Low

Well, once again back into an argument with MJ. This time over Riley. There will always be that friend that makes me think she wants more with them which makes me think when she is ready, she won’t be picking me. Which has been my fear and my worry this entire time when in reality, I should just be happy for her.

Part of me is. I’m glad she found that. At least from all these friends, she will find the friend who sticks by her. Which is the case usually isn’t it? The bonds we form is what makes us who we are after all. I just hate that. That jealous monster. I try to say, “nope. Not jealous at all”. Then it hits me, she used to think all of that about me or maybe she still does but I was such a monster its going to take a while to clear it back up. But she wasn’t much better. Many of the people I talk to tell me she is leading me on. Which she’s not because she promised me nothing.

I asked her what role I play her in life. Her reply was that I was her best friend. I know there is so much more there. That she has intense feelings for me and even if we did live near each other, I wouldn’t see her.

She’d be with Riley or DeeJay or whoever the fuck.

I finally told her too. That if it was a poly thing she wanted, I wouldn’t be sure if I was number one. She didn’t say anything to that. Even though I know she has thought about it.

The other issue is simply how do I get to her?

Its impossible.

Ok, not impossible but I don’t know how possible it really is. What I have to go through to get there. I guess that part does scare me. It scares me knowing what I might be able to do. I think I need to do what I can and not push myself. Its so hard.

Don’t push past your limits but sometimes those limits are so low. Maybe she would be better off with a person who can actually give her everything she needs and wants. I’m not sure if I can be enough. I don’t know.

Anyway, seems like my brain hit a wall there. I need to keep going forward. No matter what that means. What does that really mean though?

I mean, I know I have to work my ass off if I want to get money to be able to do things more independently. As it is I can’t even pay for my own food.

Screaming into the void here.

Therapy was good but it left me with a lot of unanswered questions. She said I have to think about each thing and go from there.

I need to get over the fact that I am broken. I know I am now how do I work with the pieces I have left?