More mental illness mumbo-jumbo in 2018

So this is going to be quick because Kris just left to bring Evelyn for a birthday party, so he’ll be back soon…

We got into a big fight last night and it’s kind of dragging on today as well. I can’t seem to talk to him about anything as far as my mental health goals, because I guess if you haven’t experienced it like I said in my previous entries you really cannot relate or empathize. He just keeps telling me to go get help go get help go get help…

Like I don’t know that. It is like an alcoholic admitting to have a problem. Easier said than done. I can admit to you guys that I have a problem but even still that took me like a decade to do that.

I don’t know what it is about me I don’t know if I just don’t want to seem weak or I don’t wanna show any emotion because all my life showing emotion just got met with a closed door. I talk to my mother about seeking help for my anxiety, I’m not sure if I talked about this on here yet or not, but basically she told me that if I went for help or Saw a Dr. for it that they just medicate me and I will snowball into something else and become someone I’m not… So obviously I’m not getting any support there. The ignorance of some people is astonishing.

So basically the fight stems from disagreement, and went from there. And hold the simple things that I do are extremely overwhelming and since I can recognize that I have anxiety and depression I should be able to just stop it in its tracks, apparently. Because like, if I could do that, I wouldn’t have already tried that… Fucking retard. Sorry.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I basically want to try other things before I go on Medication. Like I realize I’m not a doctor but from what I’ve read, if I’m not too far down the hill with my mental state, I can get away with making a few changes and perhaps that would help. I told him that, and I told him That it wouldn’t take much, simple things like picking up after himself so that I don’t get so easily overwhelmed, or a helping hand. Him deciding ON HIS OWN to maybe take the kids to dance or whatever… just that extra little bit.

Because right now, I know tomorrow I have To go driving with my driving instructor because on Thursday I have today my G test, And that’s all that’s on my mind… It’s consuming me… And I don’t know why these two simple things have such a grip on my brain right now… But like I can’t fathom adding anything else to my week. I should be able to handle More.

And I remember when I started working at Tim Hortons or year to go I was like this should help my seasonal depression because it will force me to get out of the house even though I don’t want to, I have to. And there would be days where I’d wake up and rack my brain for an excuse not to go to work that day, but I have no choice so I get up and go. And I thought it was working. But now that I sit back and think about it I believe that I did way more damage to myself than good.

On those days where I just want to curl up and sleep and have an emotional day, I push myself to go to work, bottled up everything, and carried on. So A year later, suppressing my feelings, forcing myself to do something I didn’t want to, trying to people please of course, here I am…

Kristen <3