I have been absent.
I know this.
I have been struggling with a very deep depression that has been ruling my waking life with 12-16 hours of sleep.
It’s all I can do to do the bare minimum and scrape by at work and class.
I feel like I am starting to come out of this depression finally, for the first time in a long time.
I’m still not out of the woods, though.
The strange thing about this particular depression is that I haven’t felt any sadness associated with it…just frustration and anger and so much fatigue.
After I am finished with school (in less than a month, I’m so excited!) I have an appointment with my Dr. to reduce my anti-psychotics by half…and I’m hoping that is going to help with the fatigue and the depression and the inability to feel feelings…because I’d like to feel feelings again.
I would like to feel sexual attraction again.
I would like to have creativity again.
I would like to be able to have fun with my friends without having to sit and tell myself, “Dane, you are having fun right now…this is what fun and happiness feels like, these are the moments you need to remember, this is what feeling good is.”
Do you ever just sit and listen to Busta Rhymes?
So, today I got some heavy news.
My best friend in the entire world told me today that his mom has cancer.
And she has practically been another mom to me for the last 17 years.
We sat and talked on the phone for three hours today…we both cried a lot.
I don’t know what’s going to happen…I don’t know if she’s going to beat it or what, but I guess it’s not looking good.
She’s the healthiest person I have ever known…she eats right, exercises, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t hardly drink…she’s just on top of her shit.
And cancer doesn’t give a fuck.
I can’t imagine living without her…and I have no idea what Alec is going to do without her.
At this point it’s looking more and more like I am going to have to move back to Utah, I need to go take care of my mom and take care of Alec.
Life is so weird…do any of you even know that?
Like, does anyone sit and just think about how weird life is?
Is it just me?
Why are we here?
What are we doing here?
What’s the point?
Why is there so much suffering and so little joy?
What is death like?
Why must we all die?
I have some notes that I should respond to…and I will respond to them eventually…but not right now…I just came here to check in with you and to let you know that I’m still alive, because I had a feeling you were worried about me.
I’m sorry that you worry about me so much.
I always tell you not to worry about me, that I’ll be just fine, and I know that doesn’t make it any easier for you.
If I ever do kill myself, I will let you know before I do so you’re ready for it.
I love you.