Absence in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

  • Sept. 11, 2018, 12:03 p.m.
  • |
  • Public

I have been absent.
I know this.
I have been struggling with a very deep depression that has been ruling my waking life with 12-16 hours of sleep.
It’s all I can do to do the bare minimum and scrape by at work and class.
I feel like I am starting to come out of this depression finally, for the first time in a long time.
I’m still not out of the woods, though.

The strange thing about this particular depression is that I haven’t felt any sadness associated with it…just frustration and anger and so much fatigue.

After I am finished with school (in less than a month, I’m so excited!) I have an appointment with my Dr. to reduce my anti-psychotics by half…and I’m hoping that is going to help with the fatigue and the depression and the inability to feel feelings…because I’d like to feel feelings again.

I would like to feel sexual attraction again.
I would like to have creativity again.
I would like to be able to have fun with my friends without having to sit and tell myself, “Dane, you are having fun right now…this is what fun and happiness feels like, these are the moments you need to remember, this is what feeling good is.”

Do you ever just sit and listen to Busta Rhymes?

So, today I got some heavy news.
My best friend in the entire world told me today that his mom has cancer.
And she has practically been another mom to me for the last 17 years.
It’s heavy.

We sat and talked on the phone for three hours today…we both cried a lot.

I don’t know what’s going to happen…I don’t know if she’s going to beat it or what, but I guess it’s not looking good.

She’s the healthiest person I have ever known…she eats right, exercises, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t hardly drink…she’s just on top of her shit.

And cancer doesn’t give a fuck.

It’s scary.

I can’t imagine living without her…and I have no idea what Alec is going to do without her.

At this point it’s looking more and more like I am going to have to move back to Utah, I need to go take care of my mom and take care of Alec.

Fuck.

Life is so weird…do any of you even know that?
Like, does anyone sit and just think about how weird life is?
Is it just me?

Why are we here?
What are we doing here?
What’s the point?
Why is there so much suffering and so little joy?
What is death like?
Why must we all die?

I have some notes that I should respond to…and I will respond to them eventually…but not right now…I just came here to check in with you and to let you know that I’m still alive, because I had a feeling you were worried about me.

I’m sorry that you worry about me so much.
I always tell you not to worry about me, that I’ll be just fine, and I know that doesn’t make it any easier for you.

If I ever do kill myself, I will let you know before I do so you’re ready for it.

I love you.
-Dane


Ginger September 11, 2018

"I would like to feel sexual attraction again.
I would like to have creativity again.
I would like to be able to have fun with my friends without having to sit and tell myself, “Dane, you are having fun right now…this is what fun and happiness feels like, these are the moments you need to remember, this is what feeling good is.” "

I can relate so much to all of that and to how weird life is. I've spent too much time thinking about it.
I'm sorry about your friend's mom.

Superposition Ginger ⋅ September 18, 2018

I'm sorry you can relate to what I've written here...fuck. No one should have to relate to this bullshit.

Deleted user September 14, 2018

Thank you for checking in, I've had those waves of deep depression and I don't give a shit about myself, let alone anyone else. It speaks a lot to your character that you even had a thought about "internet people" during such an emotionally dark time. Love and thoughts with you.

Superposition Deleted user ⋅ September 18, 2018

Thank you...I read this a few days ago and it made me feel a little spark of something, but it was like speaking in a foreign language, I could tell someone was trying to communicate but I couldn't quite grasp what it was, although it was friendly...I'm in a much better place to receive this right now and it means a lot to me.

Deleted user Superposition ⋅ September 19, 2018

That happens to me too when I'm in that place, like what you reference to: I know I should be having fun, I should feel good, I should recognize that others are reaching out to me or are being kind, but I don't. There's a disconnect between thought and behavior. It's fucking stupid, for a lack of a better way to express myself, haha. I'm glad you're back.

Superposition Deleted user ⋅ September 19, 2018

That kind of shit is so hard to explain to people...it's one of those things were you either get it or you don't. And yeah...coming back is nice. I wrote a whole long entry last night that didn't get saved for some reason, but it's okay because I was a drunk mess anyway, I've been living that black-out life the last week or so...decided today that it's time to take another vacation from drinking.

Deleted user Superposition ⋅ September 19, 2018

Exactly, you can't really talk about it with people who haven't experienced some version of it. I'm convinced you're not a full-blown alcoholic specifically because you go through periods of time where you decide you've had enough and quit entirely. It's impressive; I have zero self-control so doubt I could do the same if I were you.

Superposition Deleted user ⋅ September 20, 2018

I'm just really good at quitting things...I think a part of me enjoys the restriction as much as the binging.

Deleted user Superposition ⋅ September 20, 2018

I will never know what that feels like. I commend you regardless, I know this will probably be a tough couple of weeks/months. What do you do to keep yourself from drinking when you feel like having one?

Superposition Deleted user ⋅ September 20, 2018

I usually drink a lot of Coca-Cola...it's the only time I do...and I eat a lot...and I exercise, and I smoke a lot of weed...but so far I'm doing a terrible job of quitting because I'm sitting here a bottle deep in the wine and I cracked another one because...you know what? Fuck it...what does any of this even matter for? Nothing...there's no one keeping score, and if there is they're both assholes...torture me for all eternity? Hahahaha...this life has been torture, so sure, go for it. Bring it on...My entire life has been pain, why shouldn't my entire afterlife be pain?

Deleted user Superposition ⋅ October 02, 2018

That's funny, I've never thought about it before, but that's what my sister did when she quit drinking; she would constantly eat those fucking reese's pieces and drink coffee, it drove me insane. But you're correct, there's no one keeping score, so in all actuality, it won't matter if you slip up. You set the goal, you can unset it.

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