I'm Unclear in I Never Felt So Low

So today, MJ invites me back to the whole “come hang out with me and my friends” thing. Which is nice and it made me feel good that she wanted to talk to me or like have me around or whatever. Or I thought may be she was fighting through her issues.. Which I dunno what the motive was. Humans always have a motive to do the actions they do. I just don’t know hers or maybe I do but I dunno if it’s true.

She wrote something so romantic, I cried on her Instagram bio. And I dunno why she did it that way but it was for sure for me. That was a message for me and I know if I ask her about it she is going to freak out and lie to me again.

She lied to her parents about something and she is lying to me. Now, I dunno what the lie is. That’s the issue. I know she is lying but what? why?

She put down she was in a relationship on there. Her parents seem to think its Riley just because she was with him over the weekend playing video games and drinking. I don’t think they are a thing. They seem more like buds. But the thing is, why did she put this down?

within the last few weeks, me and her have gotten closer and I told her how I wanted to wait for her and it didn’t matter.. blah blah Romantic stuff that I mean but its so mushy I don’t want to even repeat what I said but I did mean it. Its kinda for her ears only I guess.

Anyway, I know I told her I wanted to be with her but that kinda made the chat died out. When we talk about intimate stuff, she kinda just stays quiet or she says thank you if I’m complimenting her which I do a lot because I want her to start to think that way about herself. She is critical of herself and it breaks my heart cause she has nothing to be critical about.

Alright, so the thing is, she is also talking to other dudes on Twitter. She is talking to other guys and I don’t know what the context is. I mean I also talk to a lot of people on Twitter and its not like I’m looking for anything cause I’m not but I’m looking for someone to connect to. That might be it. I dunno.

I asked her if she did it for me. Cause I had changed mine when I saw hers assuming it was about me since that is what would make since to me since I know how she feels about me and the advances I made on her, she knew I wanted to be with her and I was putting the decision in her hands. I thought this was her round about way of saying she wanted to try again. I dunno. So I asked her this and she said no that it was an accident. She used this same lie on her mom.

How do you change that by accident? You have to know you are doing that. Like no one ends up there by accident… So I don’t know. After she lied to me about DeeJay, I don’t know. Well, I think she lied to me about him and I can’t ask her because of so many reasons.

Yikes.

So, I’m in love with her. In love with someone I can’t get close to, in more ways than one. Cool. Now what?