Hello! in Journal

I’ve been looking for a new place to upload a journal for a while now. I used to own an online diary when I was a teenager and for the most part it helped me a lot and made me feel apart of a community, especially when I was in a dark place and felt very much alone. I stopped journalling seriously probably 5 years ago after some trauma. I didn’t really think I’d come back but my therapist ensures me journalling is a healing process so HERE WE ARE and I’ll try my best to keep this up for as long as I need to.

I’m Luci and I’m 24 years old, soon to be 25. I suffer mainly from PTSD and pretty severe social anxiety but these are things I’m making strides towards dealing with. Writing helped me overcome a lot of my loneliness as a child from a somewhat broken home so I hope to bring back some of that fire and passion for writing that I used to have.

I live with my partner of three years and he is truly my rock. We have been through so much together and discovered so much about ourselves in such a short time. We almost broke up this year but we managed to work through our problems, mostly. I still have very bad trust issues but I don’t blame him for this, as they come from within me. Another thing I am trying super hard to work on is confidence. We met through Tinder (lol) which I used for hook-ups, and the last thing I expected out of it was a relationship. But you know they always say you find ~love~ when you’re not looking for it. I met him during a weird phase of my life where I was trying a lot of new things, and truth be told, I wasn’t ready to settle into a long-term relationship but I also did not want to lose him as we immediately got along very well. We spent a lot of time together and rushed through a lot of things pretty quickly, which was, mostly my fault. We began dating whilst I started to receive serious treatment for my PTSD so I was very dependent on him for a lot of emotional support. I regret a lot of the way I acted now, but being with him taught me to be more independent and rely more on myself. Furthermore, he became a lot more emotionally available through me, and allowed him to deal with some repressed issues he’d been hiding. Although things have been hard, I do believe we are stronger for it and I am excited for the future with him. Things have only been getting better, but still many days I am unsure.

I own two fur-children and they help me get through some rough days. I received my first cat as a newborn kitten after breaking up with my ex, so he is very special to me as he was with me during some of the toughest days of my life. Raising him helped me heal as corny and silly as that might seem. He’s a very independent sometimes grumpy cat but I love him all the same. My partner and I adopted our second cat last year from a shelter. She has some health problems but I am looking after her pretty well for the most part and she is a very happy, cuddly cat. Loves affection and acts more like a dog. I could write about them forever and ever so I’ll stop myself now.

A quick background story for me, I grew up in a volatile household with alcoholic parents. My father was emotionally and physically absent for most my childhood and my mother was aggressive and explosive. After a serious accident as a kid, I almost died and my home life was pretty strained on from them. I spent a lot of time alone and found it hard to talk to people and maintain friendships. Most of my teenage years is a blur as I tried desperately to find out who I was or what the hell was wrong with me. I entered into an abusive relationship when I was 16 that lasted for around 4 years. My ex was emotionally manipulative and sexually abusive, unfortunately I couldn’t see a lot of this until I was 20 and was able to escape. After a year of soul-searching I began therapy and am now working towards self-healing. I’ve been told it’s a long fucking process, probably a lifelong one. I hope to grow into someone I can admire as my self-esteem is pretty miserable at the moment.

Here’s to the future ✧٩(•́⌄•́๑)

Last updated September 09, 2018