She's Terrified in I Never Felt So Low

She’s also different and I do not fit into this little group of hers.

It’s like trying to fit a square into a circle. She also is doing the same shit where she could add me to the conversation but she doesn’t and when I add myself to the conversation, it’s awkward. And it’s not like she gives me a follow or includes me anyway.... which is because she is terrified.

It was just me and her in the Skype call and she was nervous but trying to hold it together. She came back and everyone was gone cept for me. She tried to play it off but she couldn’t fool me.

And she has no much more intimacy with these friends of hers.

Plus, she lied to me about dating DeeJay. She did date him. I overheard her talking to her friends last night when I was in the skype call. Which after I overheard that, the whole call magically “dropped”.

I fucking asked her, cause I knew she was dating him. No fucking wonder she didn’t want to tell them she was dating me. She didn’t want them to know because she was dating both of us. I don’t even give a fuck that she did that cause its not like I was her boyfriend at the time. What pisses me off is that she lied to me. She fucking lied to me. I don’t know why the fuck she lied to me! I would have been jealous and I would have expressed that to her. Perhaps that was why? It still doesn’t make it ok that she lied to me.

She was talking about how she can be herself around them and she was sending them pictures that I didn’t receive which sends me the signal of “you aren’t apart of this group”. She continues to do that. It sends that signal to the others.

It’s also awkward af with DeeJay. Because, and if this is true, she told him that she wasn’t ready for anything which is the same thing she said to me.

She has all of these people pinning after her. All she told them was she wasn’t ready. That doesn’t say, “i’m not interested in you”. I think she is but she seems to be picking me. Yeah I know her actions say the complete opposite but then other actions and words she says makes me believe that she has chosen me which makes it so awkward with these people. Cause each one of them thinks they have a chance with her and they all know that my chances are higher. So they just cock block from talking to her and dominate the conversation. Now they listening to rap music that I really don’t like but it’s what she likes I guess? I mean I respect her music. Ugh I dunno.

Anyway, back to the snapchat thing, she is just so intimate with them and it’s like I get very little things. Like she sends them pictures of her with food in her mouth and like other shit. With me, she still gives me the surface of her. It’s just the surface of who she is and she is terrified that I will reject her if I see more which is NOT true! I want to see more and I am expressing that but then she gets scared and UGH! CYCLE!

distracted:
Tried to include myself just now in their convo and nada. Awkward. I can’t build intimacy with her like this. Did it again, awkward. The conversation gets saved usually by Ethan. Ugh, I’m making observations about their social circle.

Ugh, anyway, I’m really trying right now to spend time with her but this isn’t spending time with her. Not really. She’s different when its just me and her. I’ve seen her. But then she is only like that every once in a blue moon. Its hurting me cause I love her and I know she loves me.

She can bond with these people. That’s fine. But I do not fit in. I wish she could call me one on one cause I am better in those situations. Which she fucking knows that. I think she really has such a fear of intimacy that she won’t do it with me. Perhaps because she felt more for me than she did for the others? I really don’t understand. We did build a relationship last year and we have built one this year but its always been at the surface. Only some times I get to break through.

Ugh, sorry. My brain is all over the place.

I’m low key glad we hung up or they started some other shit call there cause I wanna fucking just be myself and not worry about her judging my face. It’s like yeah, I’m going to look depressed and hurt when you do hurtful shit and even though you don’t mean to it doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

And then she ends up feeling guilty about it and its just this never ending cycle.

Yeah, I said that twice thus far. It’s a cycle. I don’t fit in with this fucking group and she’s using this group subconsciously to block me from building intimacy with her but at the same time inviting me keeps some what close and in her control.

I don’t know why my chances are higher than the others. I do know that when intimacy is involved she tends to back away from me.

She says she loves me, I know she loves me. There is no doubt in my mind that that’s true. I just don’t know if that love is strong enough for her to fight though the mental illness to get to me. Cause that’s what is blocking her from having a romantic relationship with me, its her. She’s blocking herself.

Wonderful.

I set up a Go Fund Me for her to see if she can get therapy. She didn’t know what to say. It touched her heart. I know that for sure. Made me smile.

I hope we can get past this and we can become closer. All I want is that type of intimacy with her where we both can be ourselves. I don’t feel judged by her in the wrong way. What I meant up there was her feeling bad because I’m depressed and she can tell.

With so many things, she is so wonderful. I miss being with her. I miss the woman I knew when we were together.

My pain is getting worse. Meds wore off. Now I feel fucked even more.

I have to get that diagnose of bipolar cause I know I have it. I will see. I know that should also help cause now I gotta figure out how to deal with this. I’ve had it since I was a teen, I’m sure of that. But I never noticed my highs and lows ever before. My friend Mario has it as well and he is my age, newly diagnosed. He said that we don’t notice when its happening. That’s why it can be so dangerous left untreated.

It’s why I blew all my money and the reason I lost so many relationships. Well, the ones I lost because of me being a jack ass are few but they still hurt and they are still there.

I’m out of spoons. I feel so pathetic. I need to rest a bit before I go take care of my cat and get something to eat.

Later for now