No Rest for the Criminally Insane Pt. 2 in I Never Felt So Low

Okay, so, when I do practice with these guys, I feel awkward because I’m Enby and I express myself as male. So these guys do not know that about me. With all the transphobic garbage I have been through lately (I will talk about that later), I dunno if I can trust them with that information. I know that will cause issues.

I just cannot be myself unless I am stoned and\or drunk. That is an issue.

I’m also struggling with the fact that I may have bipolar disorder.

So, that’s kinda of making me think more about where I am and how my moods are.

So, that is kinda affecting me because I never know when I’m experiencing mania and when I’m in a depressive state. I think I’m kinda having one now.

Okay, so back to the guys.

So far, we have been jamming out every week for about 2 hours to some times 3 hours.

Danny is an amazing guitarist and Kevin is an amazing bassist. The things these 2 do with their instruments is amazing. So having these guys say I’m a drum God? It puts pressure on me to perform and perform well.

I don’t know how to get over that performance anxiety.

Any tips, hints or ways to deal would be appreciated! I’m going to look into myself.

Going to therapy again next week, so I can ask her how to deal with that. My brain isn’t working at the moment.

I was writing this entry and then I got distracted because I’m on a Skype call with MJ.

She is speaking to her abusive asshole ex, Riley. A little boy I personally want to stab until he sees darkness. Sorry. Never will act on these emotions but these dark emotions are here. He is a total fuck boy.

He hurt her, physically and emotionally. He even stalked her. And now here she is, being friends with the ass?

I told her I do not understand it but that it was her choice. She is in control of her own life. No one else is. So these choices, they are hers and hers alone. However, I will voice my concern to her. Always will because I care deeply about her as you can tell.

She’s special to me. More special than anyone else in my life (she is up there with my mom and my sister). My 3 important and wonderful women\people (my mom is Enby like myself).

So, in other news:

I have so many people trying to hook up with me romantically and I don’t want anything romantic with them. Thankfully Mark hasn’t messaged me again since I didn’t answer his last message. I think I just need to distance myself away from him cause he doesn’t really understand that I am not interested nor do I want anything more than flirting right now.

Especially since me and MJ are working things out in our relationship and she is figuring out things in her own life.

I got distracted again. MJ is eating a lollipop. My mind is going to places it shouldn’t. Oh God, she’s like me. She doesn’t suck it much, just eats it. Impulsive little shits we both are.

Things are def weird with her and her friends. The fact that she isn’t even with them right now in a party speaks volumes and it seems these skype calls are becoming more and more rare. She just did a cute face and I’m like Awwww yeah!

But um, yeah. Things are for sure very weird. It seems like there is a divide. It isn’t as centered around her anymore. It isn’t really centered around anyone which makes it a bit more, healthy I think.

She’s an interesting person. She says profound things at times. She isn’t afraid but afraid at the same time. She’s strong, determined and doesn’t give up. Even when she drags herself and even if it takes her time, she doesn’t give up. A fighter. She has survived through the hells of abusive and has come out here. To where she is.

I worry about her. Especially if she is allowing these toxic elements from her past but there is nothing I can do. I will not control her. She is her own woman.

Distracted again: She plays with her piercing a lot (she a nose piercing). It’s endearing.

She is getting better with opening up about herself and how she identifies. She’s being stronger in the face of people who want to bash her down. She has been bashed down for so long. She deserves love and she deserves to stand up for herself.

I’m proud of her but I worry about her at the same time. I guess these are the emotions we get when we truly care for another person. I never experienced it before with someone outside my family.

I worry about myself.

There are things that I need to do and I just let the days slip by. I need to do more art for Raf for his birthday. I need to get off my ass and apply but my body is keeping me from doing what I need to do.

I think I dunno why my face feels weird. I hope I didn’t fuck up and take my meds wrong or something. I mean I feel fine minus that. Wow. Sorry. This entry has been all over the place.

I promise that I will write about my band stuff later. Maybe after another jam session. I’ll even make a book for it. Maybe post some pics and recording samples.