Triggered in Musings

My movie producer friend wanted to do some research in domestic violence across all spectrums… man on woman, woman on man, man on man etc.

And he wanted to talk to me about somethings… I feel like I went completely numb as I expressed to him that what I went through wasn’t anything a human being should ever have or should endure.

I felt really triggered and I fell really deep in a dark hole that I didn’t want to acknowledge and I dunno… can I patch things up with Alex?

As my friend recorded my interview for his project, he literally stopped the tape and told me to look at him and I’m not there anymore.

I just remember Alex arguing with me about something super mundane… why didn’t I pick up his dry cleaning and he started getting really furious and I just kept doing my business, which infuriated him even more. He ripped me from the kitchen, and I felt like my soul checked out… I went on survival mode and tried to rip away from him and he just grabbed me by my throat and slammed me against the refrigerator and I tried to fight him, but I was scared and all I could do was say “babe please! Let me go! I’m sorry’ I’m so sorry” and he loosened his grip on me and as I tried to run out he slammed the door shut and started crying. “Why?! Im sorry Andy, I love you” and he had me pinned against the door, and I felt helpless and scared. I felt so alone and pathetic. “I’m sorry babe! I’m not gonna go, I’m sorry” and I cried and he cried and he kissed me.

Those that run from the presence of the light, follow darkness like a dream.