I guess I’ve been gone for kind of a long time now?
I don’t know exactly how long it’s been, but it feels like it has been a long time.
I haven’t been able to read or write anything on here…not for any real reasons, just brain defectiveness.
I’m just writing right now as an exercise more than anything.
I don’t think anything new has happened at all…I’ve been going to work and I’ve been going to school, and I’ve just been kind of going through the motions like I’m supposed to…but not really feeling anything. (like I’m supposed to?)
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and I told him I’m happy with the fact that I’m functioning on my meds…but I’m not so excited about the fact that I don’t really feel anything anymore.
I think I said something along the lines of, “I’m doing a lot of cool shit right now, and I should be excited about it, but I’m not…like, sometimes I’ll be out hanging out with my friends and I have to tell myself that logically I understand that I am having fun right now…but I don’t FEEL like I’m having fun.”
I should be excited that I only have like six more weeks of school and then I’m done.
I should be excited about all the cool shit I’ve been learning.
If I could believe it, I would be excited about the prospect of making some actual real money for once in my life…but I have been struggling for so long that it honestly doesn’t even seem possible to be making more money than this without dealing drugs or turning tricks.
My psychiatrist said he was going to keep me where I’m at until the end of school, (which I pretty much asked for, I said I didn’t want to go rocking the boat this close to the finish line) but then when I’m done with school we’re going to lower my Latuda from 40mg to 20mg…and maybe that will give me some feeling back.
Like…I’d like to be in another relationship, I think?
Okay…just, for the sake of argument, let’s say I want to be in another relationship…how the hell am I going to make that a reality if I have absolutely no sex drive at all? Like, I am kind of disgusted by the idea of sex…I need to change that somehow…I think if I start feeling feelings again, that will come back.
Also, if I start feeling feelings, I will probably have a desire to begin painting and drawing again…maybe even writing songs again?
That would be the bees knees.
I have defined myself as an artist my entire life…and these last two years that definition has slowly deteriorated to the point that the only thing I consider myself to be anymore is a software engineer…and even then, a noob.
Today I had my third day off in four months, (no school, no work, and I’m not doing any god damn homework today.)
I had to spend it at the fucking DMV.
The DMV opened at 9am today…I figured I’d get there a little early, showed up at 8:30 and the line was already wrapped around the entire strip mall…so that was a fail…so I got in line and I started reading my book, and I played some video games, and at one point I was like, “Fuck this…” and I actually left and went and got some food at a little cafe around the corner, and came back and there had hardly been any progress in the que at all.
All in all, I spent 5 hours there.
I renewed my license and my registration, $300 later.
Today was an expensive day, all around…I spent a lot of time and money.
I got a lot of reading done, though…and I feel like I’m getting closer to some answers all the time, I have been pretty deliberately moving towards them, so hopefully they will stay put long enough for me to actually find them…and hopefully when I find some answers they aren’t just going to be a thousand questions dressed up as answers…but they probably will be…because that’s all a fucking answer is.
I also played some video games on my Nintendo 3DS.
I did a lot of interesting stuff, and I was still so bored.
I am so sleepy right now…maybe I’ll take a nap after this…
I wish I had more interesting stuff to talk about right now, but I just don’t.
I’ve been in a depressed cycle lately…not to say that I’m sad, I’m not sad.
I think a lot of people think depression and sadness are the same thing.
I’m actually really grateful for a lot of things, and I’m fairly satisfied with the way things are going right now…but my body is severely depressed.
It takes so much energy just to do a simple thing…any simple thing.
And I sleep so much.
So god damn much.
My appetite is all fucked up.
My head is cloudy.
It just likes to come in and make life feel impossible.
I’m good for doing like…two things in a 24 hour period…if I really push myself, I can pull it off…but three things? No no no…not three things. Definitely not four things.
Thanks for listening.
You’re the only person I know who’s been with me my entire life.
That means something to me…even if I can’t feel it right now.
I know, logically, it means something to me.
I love you for that.
…and for so many other reaasons
but especially for that.